Are you there, God? It's me, Anne T. Garcia

Presenting...

SEXTALK WITH ANNE!

Just kidding. You guys know Anne. Please bow your heads.

It seems like President George W. Bush hasn't been able to catch a break.

Ever feel like you're having one of those presidencies?

The war goes from bad to worse, his poll numbers plummet and now the immigration issue is dividing the Republican Party.

And Anne expects Bush to "catch a break" about any of these things?

1. No one is going to be catching any "breaks" about the Iraq war anytime soon, as if it were simply a mismanaged banana stand.

2. Poll numbers plummet when people don't like the things you do. How exactly would anyone "catch a break" there? Perhaps by doing different things?

3. One might say that any division caused by the immigration issue (or any issue within either party) is a good thing, if only because it means politicians aren't all toeing the party line. Shouldn't the Republican party be pretty fucking divided, all things considered? What "break" should we give George Bush to make him feel better?

The libs salivate over the prospect of taking back the presidency, while holding on the both houses of Congress. Their dream agenda in that longed for era includes retreat from Iraq, higher taxes to redistribute the wealth and socialized medicine, which by the way, has been a dismal failure in Europe.

Longed-for era. Higher taxes for rich people. Free health care. Sounds cool!

You know what's been a great success in Europe? David Hasselhoff.

Anne, though... seriously. I tire of this secular commentary. WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ALMIGHTY?

But buckle your seat belts you left wing aficionados, it's all about to change. It's summer of 2007 and God is blessing America as never before.

I imagine that part being read by the guy who does all the movie trailers.

Many Christians have been aware for years that President Bush has to be blessed by God. It is simply a Biblical principle. If you submit to God, if you are humble and if you seek His face and pray, you will be blessed.

I know our throngs of readers come here to read hilarious commentary, but let's be serious here for a second. Really. This paragraph is just something that can't be ignored. It frightens me. It contains something so unconstitutional and despotism-ridden, I shudder and... perhaps... yes, I actually convulse as I reread it.

You don't capitalize "his" in AP style. God!

(Oh, and being "blessed by God" is like something straight out of King George's diary.)

Faulty political advisers notwithstanding, President Bush has modeled his life before the world as a practicing Christian. He must therefore reap what he has sown.

Agreed. Reap, George, reap. (But somebody give him a break in the meantime!)

Religious lunacy, untruthfulness and faulty logic notwithstanding, Anne T. Garcia has modeled her life after that of a newspaper columnist.

In our Tuesday morning prayer group we have been praying for a "spiritual Midway" in America for months. The Battle of Midway was the turning point in the war in the Pacific during World War II.

Now that the Daily Grego has the day and time of Anne T. Garcia's weekly prayer group, we will be scouring her future columns tirelessly, searching for clues revealing the location.

And then we're going to show up dressed as Barbara Bush and Enid Strict.

We are praying that America will turn around now, not only in its war against terror, but also in its war against sin. Bill O'Reilly calls it a culture war, but it's actually a war against the power of hell itself.

You know it's getting deep when Bill O'Reilly won't even fucking say it.

O'Reilly Factor Producer: Bill, here are the talking points for today's segment. War against the power of hell itself, that kind of thing.

Bill O'Reilly: *skims materials*
...I can't say this horseshit! I'll look like a fanatic!

God's signature characteristic, His proof that He is God, is that He knows and tells the future. If you are at all plugged into Biblical prophecy, you know that we are in a watershed moment in history of the planet.

I like how God has a "signature characteristic," like he's a sofa designer or something. Also, how do I get "plugged in" to Biblical prophecy? Lately all I've been getting is sports highlights and porn.

In May 2006 I received a mailer from internationally renowned evangelist Benny Hinn. It was entitled "5 Things That Will Happen Before Jesus Christ Returns." They are: The restoration of Israel, Russia's rise, Europe becoming a super power, worldwide lawlessness and then history's greatest outpouring.

If you're at all plugged into the internationally renowned evangelist community, you know Benny Hinn is the David Letterman of Messiah-related signs.

If you read many of the nationally syndicated columnists who appear in newspapers across the country, you know all of them frequently cite bulk rate "mailers" as reliable sources.

Also... worldwide lawlessness? Compared to when?

The first four of those points are in play and have been well chronicled in this column and elsewhere. Watching the evening news gives us a clear sense that we are in "the beginning of sorrows"(Matthew 24:7&8). These birth pangs will ultimately usher in the return of the Lord.

Yes, yes. Watching the evening news 600 years ago, you would have gotten the sense that things were actually quite nice!

This is quite remarkable for me to read, to be honest. Seriously. People think suicide bombings, violent homicides and natural disasters are the "birth pangs" of Jesus II? Remind me to take cover when God starts having contractions.

We have now arrived at the time of the greatest outpouring of God's power in history. It is no accident that the invention of videotape, satellite TV, cell phones and Internet access preceded the great harvest at the end of the age. God is using these vehicles to reach every tribe, tongue, nation and people.

Yes, yes! Yes! God's work, performed through the magic of Nextel. Holy Motorazrs falling from the heavens into the hands of unruly aborigines in the most primitive, untamed crevasses of wild bush. Millions of otherwise hedonistic peons using the Internet each day, not to access pornography or blog irresponsibly, but to digest God's word.

The last, ultimate Biblical sign of Christ's second coming is, like, the iPhone?

Those who are plugged into what prophetic voices in the body of Christ are saying can see it coming. There is already a mighty move of God in the prison system. Young people are turning away from the hedonism of the previous generation. Why do you think the military continually exceeds its enlistment quotas, even during this violent war?

Oh, I don't know... maybe because every branch and twig of this nation's military funnels enormous resources toward recruiting kids? Anyone with half a brain knows this. And weren't those enlistment numbers down not too long ago, anyway?

I'll tell you what. A lot of young people are enlisting in the military for one of two main reasons:
1. God is coming
2. Recruiters tell them they'll get paid to blow stuff up and women will dig it

Take your pick.

There are spiritual changes going on right now in Monroe County. God is raising up Christians who will cause the light of God to shine into the hearts of lost people. Again it's important to keep your eye on the younger generation.

We older American are their support troops. We labor over them and with them in prayer.

In... the Knights of Columbus building on Sentinel Street? The VFW Auxiliary Post off Highway 91? Your wallpapered basement on Eucharist Drive? Please, just a hint!

As for the forces of darkness, their power is already receding as the Holy Spirit sweeps through America in revival. For those who hate America, this summer will be the summer of their discontent.

Aw. We can't seem to catch a break!