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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

While we were out

OK, I know we've been gone for a while. But come on.

At the Missouri Press Association's annual awards luncheon, our beloved KDE editor, Grego P. Fabulous, won THIRD PLACE honors in the best columnist competition. Third place. Out of like five. At least two columnists actually finished behind Grego.

What "Press Association" from hell.........................?

Anyway, it was the first such award Grego received since this 2004 accolade and damnit, it had better be the last. He is not even the third best columnist in Kirksville.

More to come soon.

EDIT: The story included a picture of Grego. He's in the center. Gregory Orear: Award-winning journalist, and an avid user of mousse. Here's what his fans had to say:

Leisa Gardner wrote on Sep 12, 2007 9:40 AM:

" "Congrat" well done to some well deserving, miss your columns in the LCL can't wait until Monday to read Good luck in the future "

Leisa learned to write at the Grego School of Sentence Structure. She majored in "totally forgetting that punctuation exists," and graduated with honors.

vance myers wrote on Sep 11, 2007 10:48 PM:

" Congrats well deserved.... It is great to see the quality of journalism we have in (for) the community....This is the type of thing we need to build pride in our community and the people in it.....Thanks for the good work!!!! "

Vance's first name is actually "Lance." He just thinks "Vance" sounds cool.

CK wrote on Sep 11, 2007 5:24 PM:

" Congratulation! Out did the KC Star, huh? I'm impressed! Don't mind saying I am! :-) "

So far, Grego has received one "congrat" and one "congratulation." They love him because he writes on their level.


Monday, August 27, 2007

Is this one of those "here's your sign" things?

Our readers know that we love headlines. Here's one from the Chicago Tribune:

Ad firms doubting future of NFL star

Michael Vick's image hurt by animal abuse



Could have fooled me! The guy who wrote this article, Greg(o) Johnson, has a history of "master of the obvious"-type headlines. For example, here's one from 1994:

"Slicing up white people hurts Simpson's broadcasting career"


At least his golf swing wasn't compromised!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Chipping away at my sanity

I'm watching the Cardinals play the Braves right now on TBS. Adam Wainwright is pitching, and Chip Caray is the announcer. He's the grandson of Harry Caray - his real name is actually Harry Caray III. He's also a moron; here's what he said about Wainwright's contributions to the 2006 Cardinals:

"You could say that Wainwright was the MVP of last year's Cardinals team...he was an excellent middle reliever and then took over as the closer when Isringhausen went down...then he got the final out of the World Series. "

Adam Wainwright was pretty god-damned good last year, Chip. But the Cardinals also had a guy named Albert Pujols on the 2006 team. He's also on the '07 team! Albert's OPS+ last year was 180. His EqA was .358. His WARP3 was 13.2. In April and May, he carried the team with a .315/.449/.775 line. Adam Wainwright, meanwhile, was a really good relief pitcher. Thankfully, Chip shut himself up after...wait, he said more.

"Wainwright could also be the MVP of this year's team; he's the only pitcher who's been able to go out there every fifth day for this Cardinals team blah blah blah."

God damnit. Wainwright has been the best Cardinals starter, I'll give him that. He's turning into a very good starting pitcher. However, Albert Pujols is on this team, too. Since May 1st, he's hitting .336/.438/.590. If the Cards make the playoffs, he will probably win the MVP. Of the National League. The fact that he's the team MVP is a given.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Oh baby, you're so hot

My colleague came across this article, God knows how, and sent it to me. I think it's worth sharing with our loyal readers.

Fire ends teens' attempt to lose virginity


"A TEENAGE couple having sex for the first time were interrupted when candles set fire to the girl's attic bedroom and forced them to flee naked from her parents' house, German daily Bild reported today."

This is great. Talk about a memorable first time! This is worse than a story I heard from one of my friends - he sat his bare ass on the hood of a car that had just been driven for 3 hours. Actually, I don't think sex was involved that time. He was just naked and needed a place to sit. Either way, nakedness + thermal radiation = bad. This couple, since they were having sex in an attic, had a lot to contend with. Wasps, fiberglass, weird ceilings, and so on. Burning down her parents' house was probably the least of their worries. I offer my sincerest condolences.

Attack of the killer taint

We here at the Daily Grego love a good headline. This qualifies as, well, a pretty fucking awesome headline.

"Will the Abramoff Taint Do New Harm This Time?"

Thanks, Yahoo! News, for making my day. Not even the world of hardcore porno has ventured into graphic acts involving Republican lobbyist taint. And you thought this post would bring in the riff-raff!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Let me refer you to this chart

Dedicated reader Jessie G. writes in with this interesting piece of media awkwardness:

This is a clip from the prime-time evening news on WFTX-Channel 4,
which serves southwestern Florida (and reaches about 500,000 people
throughout Naples, Fort Myers and surrounding areas).

Click here for the story and video.

Jessie continues:

It's rudimentary, but fine, until you get to minute 2:15 or so. Then
you're in for a real treat. Tell me where, exactly, Ms. Connors
learned such high-level graphic wizardry. Check out that light
placement--clever how it illuminates the *corner* of her prop (and
yet, somehow misses that fine color print she brandishes with such
righetousness.) Finally, look at Ms. Connors dig in and pull out all
the stops to get in touch with President Bush. You'll forgive me if I
never saw whether she was successful. I had fallen onto the floor,
gasping for breath, by this point.

Thanks Jessie. That segment took a turn for the archaic; in its honor, the next edition of the Daily Grego will be written in BASIC.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Headlines!

Journalists: When the good die young, there's no better way to honor them than with an awkward, misleading headline:

Normal man died of natural causes in Florida

Apparently, the guy lived in a town called "Normal." It could have been worse - he could have been a resident of a town called "Cum-drenched" or "Fat homosexual." Not that there's anything wrong with that! (There's no telling what kind of riff-raff this post is going to attract to the DG.)

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Bravely going where no man has ever gone before

Whoever at the Post-Dispatch writes Kevin Horrigan's headlines for the web is doing a bang-up job. Last week, it was the simple but elegant "DOGS."

This week, KH takes us on a well-lubed journey...

Inside Dick Cheney


These days nearly all non-fiction books have subtitles, the explanatory stuff set off by a colon from the main title.

The first riveting sentence of Horrigan's report from inside Dick Cheney, and he's already made a colon reference. Leave the comedy to us, Kevin!

The end.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Godwin's Law

I won't take the time to go over all of this ridiculous article from the Monroe County Clarion; however, reading it made me think of something I wanted to mention to anyone who has an opinion on any current event:

Adolf Hitler is sick of you mentioning his name. Knock it off. From the article I linked:

Hitler proved agreements with despots and terrorists have no meaning. He did not miss a beat after saying all the right things to the rest of the world. While he spoke of peace, his actions spoke the truth of his intentions all along.

God damnit. Listen, when historians say that you can learn from history, they don't mean "you can apply any historical event to any current event....just pick one of each!" In terms of evil old bastards, Adolf Hitler was the exception, not the rule. So quit being lazy fucks, make your lame analogies using another dictator. There are plenty to choose from.

How can you not sense the same thing with Iran's madman president? Czechoslovakians learned Hitler's true intentions soon after the Munich debacle. After our retreat, Iraq would recognize an even worse fate.

Really, they would? Someone tell Robert Gates - Kevin Hardin of the Monroe County Clarion has all the answers.

Anyway, the Daily Grego staff will keep its eyes peeled for more examples of this type of journalistic laziness. I can't believe I just did a "hey...lay off of Hitler" post.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

OPINIONS

Kevin Horrigan writes for the Post-Dispatch. Judging by this picture, he means business. He may also be the long lost twin of Newt Gingrich. In light of the Michael Vick saga that hasn't been getting enough press lately, I figured I'd do a run through of Kevin's take on the issue, which is aptly titled "DOGS." Let's play a game - I'll name an event from the recent past, and a Kevin Horrigan-inspired headline to go with it:

September 11th - "BUILDINGS"
O.J. Simpson trial - "COURTROOMS"
Man on the fucking moon - "MOON"
Iran-Contra - "WEAPONS"

See how this doesn't work, Kevin? Let's hit it.

Ken Smith called me up. He said, "Have you read been reading about this guy Michael Vick?"

This blogger "has read been reading about Michael Vick."

Typical answer to Ken's question: "Yep. Pretty awful." Ridiculous sounding, made up answer, courtesy of Kevin Horrigan:

Who hasn't? I said. The quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the marquee players in the National Football League, has been indicted by a federal grand jury for taking part in a dogfighting ring in Virginia. Gruesome details. Folks are appalled. "Ookie," Vick's nickname in dogfighting circles, may never play again.

Thanks for letting us know who Michael Vick is. Since you didn't use quotes, I'll just assume that this is exactly what you said to Ken Smith. "Folks are appalled" - as we'll find out, Kevin Horrigan = appalled by just about everything.

"I've been thinking," Ken Smith said. "Why do you suppose people are all upset about dogfighting, when boxing is still OK?"

Intelligent answer: "Well, Kenwood, boxing has sanctioning bodies and state licensure procedures that require fighters to pass physical exams and stuff. There are also doctors in the corners and referees that stop the fights before things get out of hand. And, unlike dogfighting, boxers aren't allowed to tear each other's throats out. Boxers also tend to be humans, and not dogs, while fighting dogs tend to be dogs, and not humans, so we're really being stupid if we're comparing the two."

I'm no brain surgeon, but Kenneth Rupert Smith Jr., is. He's the director of the division of neurosurgery at St. Louis University Medical School. At 74, he no longer does surgery, but back when he did, he found himself operating from time to time on the brains of boxers injured in the ring.

Nobody, and I mean nobody thought that Kevin Horrigan was a brain surgeon. I bet Kenneth also found himself operating "from time to time" on the brains of people who aren't boxers, too. Like, construction workers who fall and hit their heads.

Dr. Smith approaches the human brain with a kind of reverence. That the city, state and country sanctions a sport in which the object is to inflict punishment on the human brain makes him angry. In the 1980s, he was among the leaders in the American Medical Association's call for the sport to be banned.

Wait...Mike Vick is a boxer?

It hasn't been, and statistics say that an average of about 10 boxers each year die of brain injury, about the same number who die playing football and way fewer than those who die skydiving or mountain climbing.

Per Wikipedia:

Fatality rates per 100,000 participants

  1. Horse racing: 128
  2. Sky diving: 123
  3. Hang gliding: 56
  4. Mountaineering: 51
  5. Scuba Diving: 11
  6. Motorcycle racing: 7
  7. College Football: 3
  8. Boxing: 1.3
What was that about mountain climbing and skydiving, again?

There aren't any statistics on the number of former boxers with permanent brain injury, but Muhammad Ali is a notable poster child for that reality.

No one is sure about what caused his Parkinson's. In the documentary When We Were Kings, Ali was asked if he had any regrets about being a boxer. He said that if he never boxed, he'd still be a painter in Louisville. Even if boxing is the cause of his condition, I doubt he'd change a thing. Is that OK with you?

If Ali is a poster child for anything, it's for being like one of the top 3 famous human beings of all time, being an awesome boxer, and for saying "fuck you" to the Vietnam War. And for contributing a lot of time and money to Parkinson's research - not for being a sick old man.

All this being the case, why are people holding demonstrations against Michael Vick, threatening to boycott the NFL's sponsors if he's allowed to play and generally expressing all sorts of outrage?

Because he was a pretty big dickhead to lead a dogfighting ring?

Why is dogfighting banned in 48 states and boxing in none?


Why aren't really stupid columns banned from being printed in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch? The effect on my brain is equal to that of being punched in the head. You know what? Boxing is dangerous, like most other sports. Hell, everything is dangerous. Ban everything! Ban the internet! Lots of people die in home accidents. Ban...walking through your house!

Well, the argument goes, human beings choose to fight and dogs don't, although there is wiggle room in both species.

What the fuck are you talking about? Wiggle room? There is not an argument here, dipshit. You know why? Because boxing and dogfighting are completely unrelated.


Wiggle room?

A lot of fighters take up the sport because it offers them chances they can't get elsewhere: fame, fortune, a way out of poverty. On one hand, there is a life spent in a ghetto or a trailer park. On the other hand, there is the pain and suffering of fighting and possibly death or permanent injury (although nobody thinks it will happen to him). Is that really much of choice?

Way to generalize every professional boxer in the world. I don't think people are forced to box - you have to want to do it, or else, you're not going to make any money. Mike Tyson, for example, went bankrupt toward the end of his career. He fought a few times to alleviate his situation, but he really didn't want to train or anything. In turn, he got his ass kicked, and retired. Still bankrupt.

On the dogs' part, there is some question about choice, too. Dogfighters say their pit bulls are bred to the action and crave it.

Wait, so boxers don't have a choice, and are forced to fight. Dogs are trained to fight, and want to. What the hell are you talking about? This is wiggle room?

Then there is Carl Herkstroeter, president of the Georgia-based American Temperament Test Society, which put 25,000 dogs through a 10-part drill to test stability, shyness, aggressiveness and friendliness in the company of people. Malcolm Gladwell reported on the findings in The New Yorker last year:

Data alert!

"Eighty-four per cent of the pit bulls that have been given the test have passed, which ranks pit bulls ahead of beagles, Airedales, bearded collies and all but one variety of dachshund."

So Michael Vick, an alleged dogfighter, took otherwise gentle, kind, and obedient dogs, trained them to be vicious. What's your point?

Thus, properly bred and trained, a pit bull is less likely to bite you than most wiener dogs. Go figure.

Oh, so your point was that you held the idiot's assumption that pit bulls are killing machines. This qualifies you to write an article about this issue.

The indictments against Vick and his associates in something called Bad Newz Kennels charge that they bought, bred and trained dogs at a farm Vick owns in southeast Virginia; that they traveled across state lines to enter and watch dog fights; that purses as high as $26,000 were bet on the animals, and that some members of Vick's crew executed animals that didn't perform well in the ring. Dogs were electrocuted, hanged and shot, the indictment charges. On Thursday, Vick pleaded not guilty.

Kevin, you were wondering why dogfighting is illegal. I think the executions, electrocutions, and hangings cover it. See, you didn't even have to write this!

Up until what happens after the fight, this sounds a lot like what professional boxing managers do, although there's a lot more money bet on the human fighters.

See, this is precisely why boxing is not illegal. No hanging, electrocuting, shooting, etc. Is that hard for you to reconcile?

The rationales offered for boxing and dogfighting sound remarkably similar: Combat is part of human (or canine) nature, and this is competition in its purest form.

I don't think anyone thinks boxing is "competition in its purest form." I mean, they wear gloves, they can't kick, bite, tackle, or gouge. It's a sport. It's purer than, say, golf. But still. The intent isn't to kill.

Why is it OK for Vick to be shredded between two 300-pound defensive ends, and not OK for one of Vick's dogs to go up against a single opponent?

Because Vick wears pads, and defensive tackles don't usually bite at his throat? Kevin, you really seem like a weird piece of shit. "But the dogs fight a single opponent. What's wrong with a little dog-on-dog action? Vick's out there, in pads and a helmet mind you, being shredded by 300-pound men. Granted, he gets up most of the time, and won't face a firing squad for not scoring a touchdown, and he has doctors to tend to all his bruises, but still."

In the end, the answer seems to be that a lot of people like dogs a lot more than they do people. When you watch the crowd at a boxing match, it's hard to blame them.

I've watched a lot of boxing, and the crowds seem pretty much like any other sports crowd. They cheer when something cool happens, and sit pretty quietly when the action is slow.

And let's say you have a kid. He is athletic, strong, and motivated. He takes up an interest in boxing, and you go along with it, because it's what he wants to do. Your other kid takes up an interest in dogfighting, because your dog Randy is really big. When you say no to Randy entering the Dogzalicious tournament, does that mean you care more about him than your boxing kid?

Or, Kevin, did you not think about any of this before writing your column? After all, you probably got to choose what to write about. You had wiggle room, dude!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Neon peon

You've probably already heard by now that Deion Sanders wrote a freelance newspaper column about Mike Vick's dogfighting ring. It was sort of controversial in that it came pretty close to defending Vick -- not just like "let's wait and see if he's guilty or not," but more like "look, dogfighting can be very satisfying and exciting" -- and talk radio had a heyday with it. Sanders' "real" boss, NFL Networks, read the column and immediately commanded the paper (the Fort Myers News-Press) to can it -- claiming exclusive rights to Neon's "image and opinions" but probably secretly wishing they could take one without the other.

The sports editor at the News-Press was disappointed he had to "spike" Deion's column -- ha, a pun! -- claiming "it was his best work since he started writing his column in January."

In fact, the editor had tons of great things to say about Deion Sanders, journalist.

No, he’s not the most polished writer. And he hasn’t always been an angel. And he does live in Texas.

I can forgive a columnist for not being a good writer. But living in TEXAS????

What I can say is what he’s been like to deal with since I’ve met him.

He’s easy to talk to. He always has his column in on time. He never cusses, and he cares about his hometown.

Seriously, what do these weird comments have to do with anything? OK, he lives in Texas and I guess that would affect his ability to be a " local" columnist in Fort Myers... but is that really most people's beef with Prime Time writing in the newspaper? Also... he never cusses. When the News-Press let Darryl Strawberry write a guest column for seven weeks, each submission was vulgarity-ridden and scrawled in crayon. But he did care about his hometown.

Anyhoo, on to the column! Before it gets completely removed from the Web, let's look at a couple excerpts. I don't plan on dedicating a ton of media criticism toward Deion Fucking Sanders.

What a dog means to Vick might be a lot different than what he means to you or I. Hold on, don't start shaking your head just yet. Listen to me.

Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

Some people choke out their dogs when they lose a fight and bury them in a hole full of other dead dogs.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You're probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest. Maybe, he identified with them in some way.

This is crazy. Dogfighting is illegal.

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It's like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn't tap out when he knows he can't win.

Oh... lovely. Thanks for putting such an uplifting twist to this violent criminal enterprise that "many athletes" apparently pursue with such passion. Remember, Fort Myers News-Press editor Ed Reed said this is the best column Deion Sanders has ever written.

It reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain or the biggest, baddest car. It gives you status.

Next on SportsCenter's Who's Now: Are Mike Vick's 97 pit bull carcasses more "now" than Shaq's rings? Stay tuned!

We're attacking this dogfighting ring the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school (by the way parents, make sure you monitor your kids). We should have the same passion for man that we have for man's best friend.

I know this is Deion Sanders. I keep telling myself that. But... what?! MySpace?

Really, just read the column for a better sense of how Deion sort of rambles, talks about the passion of dogfighting, loses his train of thought, goes back to defending Vick and ends up with THE BEST COLUMN EVER WRITTEN!

The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don't have a thing interesting to write about.

Maybe if we invent an arena baseball league, with short fences, bat-wielding tacklers and completely nude cheerleaders, we (in the media, of course) won't have to totally freak out when a guy kills a few dogs for sport.

How will this end up? I have no idea. All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick's backup is Joey Harrington. Enough said.

And so concludes the best column ever written in the Hall of Fame career of Deion Sanders. Rick Hummel, eat your heart out.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Just when you thought we weren't paying attention

We've been loading up on St. Louis media lately... and can you blame us? It's riveting stuff.

Still, broader horizons beckon. And in an e-mail subject-titled "rather than stltoday," reader Daniel G. opens our eyes to the sunset:

here's
a column from today's sun-sentinel, which reaches 650k people in south florida every weekday, and 950k on sundays... tell me that this smear job of misinformation and misdirection isn't actually written in a major american newspaper.

Unfortunately, Daniel, for all of us... it is.

So. This Javier Oberti feller picks apart anorexic Hollywood starlet Michael Moore's latest film, Sicko, and the evil socialist plots Moore has hatched during top-secret lobbying sessions with the leaders of the free world. One snippet:

It is remarkable how Moore has chosen to not identify presidential candidates he supports. Every time Moore spoke about them with Wolf Blitzer during a CNN interview, the host had to identify who he was referring to. Moore wants us to believe they are the saviors who will lead our nation into the fields of dreams and happiness socialism promises, without disclosing how the freedoms of expression, of the market and yes, of the people will be extinguished.

I remember not too long ago down there in Florida (June 20, to be exact) when a U.S. Representative (Jeff Miller, R-Chumuckla) decided to publicly endorse Fred Thompson... before Thompson even entered the presidential race.

The reaction from most people was something like... #$!&@* the heck?

Exactly.

My point is, whomever Michael Moore endorses in an election that falls 16 months from now shouldn't matter all that much. It should matter less when the forum at hand is this man's "Situation Room," which is so poor, and so black, and so notorious for upholding the network's oft-wacky definition of breaking news.

I'm no scholar, and I haven't seen Sicko, but I do appreciate some of Moore's work and I must say: I have never felt I was being led blindfolded into a field of socialist happiness to be suddenly flogged, raped and deprived of my right to a free market. But... maybe I've been implanted with Michael Moore's anal socialism chip.

Anyway, Javier goes on about socialism for a while before he finally gets to the single biggest, dirtiest issue that causes every other big, dirty issue our country faces:

Mexicans.

Our government could begin by stopping millions of illegal aliens from crossing our borders to give birth in our emergency rooms

Millions of illegal aliens are sneaking in and giving birth... in emergency rooms?

and receive truly free health care when they are sick. That would be a great start for the improvement our imperfect yet still medically efficient system needs.

"Medically efficient" reminds me of "magically delicious," for some reason. And I think it's ironic that someone named Javier Oberti is hell-bent on stopping illegal immigration. I mean, not to make any assumptions or cast any aspersions; I don't mean to suggest that anyone with a funny name is a far'ner. But... Javier... seriously.

Fuck the heck?

Monday, July 23, 2007

A happy day in the news

A quick look at the headlines on the front page of STLtoday.com:

Fire damages old Collinsville high school
Rally's clerk in surgery after shooting
Ill. cops stop minority drivers more often
Granite City woman killed in crash
Line drive kills minor league coach
3 car bombs kill 12, injure 19 in Iraq
Astronauts toss space station's junk
Taliban threatens to kill 23
Last king of Afghanistan dies at 92
Tiny body parts found in India


Everyone, have a great week!

That's what she said?

Sometimes, I think journalists do this on purpose:

Astronauts tossing station's space junk

A wad of the station's "debris" will land on the face of the North American continent at 2100 hours. Close your eyes!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Hey there, old man. I've seen your daughter naked!

Charles Mosley, who writes columns for the West County Journal, has been on my radar for a while. This week's column finally put him over the edge. Apparently, Charles is protective of his daughters. So yeah, this column is full of original thought!

My firstborn daughter is beautiful, but you don't care about that.

Let me interrupt - how old is your firstborn daughter?

My second-born daughter is beautiful, too, but you don't care about her, either.

Wait, wait. Question: How old is your second-born daughter? Also, she doesn't look like
you...right?

The reason you don't care is they are not your daughters.

No, that's precisely why I do care, you silly old man.

Ah, but you would care very much if you were a young lad vying for their affections. This is the situation we're dealing with at the Mosley Estate in Manchester.

Shit, how old are they? They live with you? Or are they home visiting from the Peace Corps or something? Fill me in, dude!

Emily the Younger still thinks boys are creeps, a position I share wholeheartedly.

Shit. Wait, she's the younger one? How much older is the older one, _______ the elder?

But Katy the Elder looks upon boys more favorably. And likewise, they seem to hold her in high regard.

Seriously, "the Elder?" You're talking about your daughters here, not Holy Roman princesses.

Kate no longer looks like a little girl. She is evolving into a very pretty young lady.

We get it. Your daughter is pretty. And she's evolving.

This is not good.

So you want her to look like you.

She has captured the attention of several young fellows, and she seems to like one of them.

At least she doesn't like some creepy older guy who oogles teenage girls.

This is not good, either. In fact, it's bad.

Do you want us to help you? We here at the Daily Grego love community service. Not like, you know. How old did you say she is again?

I know what teenage boys think about every 3.5 seconds. When they become middle-aged men, they only think about it every 5.3 seconds.

Tilling the garden with your daughter, Katy the Elder?

So excuse the heck out of me if I have trouble warming up to some whippersnapper who thinks my daughter is a babe.

When I was a teenager, I knew people who had their significant others over to watch movies with the family. It was a good old time, with everyone handing around a napkin for their microwave popcorn fingers, packed onto a single couch like a can of sardines. Then, the parents would leave for the weekend, and the kid and his/her SO would have sex in the master bedroom - the parents' bed. That's what happens when you "warm up." You think they like you, but as soon as you turn your back, bam! So, don't bother. You're cool, Charles. You're cool.

This is my Katy, my kid, the one I drove to and from preschool; the one I stood next to at the bus stop each day when she attended elementary school; the one who became my pint-sized fishing buddy.

Yeah yeah. Now, how long ago was this?

I decided to formally introduce myself to the chap who is interested in Kate. You know, try to get to know him a little bit. I informed Kate of my plans.

I don't get this - a formal introduction? Did you rent a tux or something?

"Dad, please don't," she said. "You'll embarrass me."

"Seriously, dad. You want Dylan to wear a matching tux?"

Embarrass her? I would challenge anyone to cite an example of when I've been an embarrassment.

Mosley, Charles. "Journalistic Reflections: Hey there, kid. I'm Katy's dad." West County
Journal, 17 July 2007, A5.

Well, there WAS that unfortunate incident at a cantina in Matamoros. And yes, it's true one should never shoot bottle-rockets at night at the Missouri Governor's Mansion.

Or that time you decided to start writing articles for the West County Journal.

Anyway, I told Kate a formal introduction is considered polite. Proper etiquette demands it. I had no intention of embarrassing her in front of her young friend. She eyed me suspiciously and asked what I intended to say. So, I told her:

My money is on Charles saying something humorous, and somewhat threatening.

"Hello, young man. I'm Charles Mosley. I'm Katy's dad. Be nice to my daughter or I'll break your legs."

I was right about "somewhat threatening," but I didn't expect Charles Mosley to include his e-mail address in his introduction. That alone would be enough to scare the kid off.

She looked horrified. I don't know why. My friend Mike thought it was a fine idea. Mike even offered a helpful suggestion.

I'm calling it - Mike's going to say something about a blunt object.

"When you're telling him this, hold a wrench in your right hand and tap it a few times into the palm of your left hand," Mike said.

Hahahahaha, Charles Mosley's friend Mike is off da hook!

I haven't told Kate about Mike's suggestion, because she's out of town with her mom and sister. I'm home alone and bored.

You have so much time on your hands - an empty house - and this is the best you could come up with?

I think I'll take a little drive. It might be an opportune time to formally introduce myself to a young man.

NEXT, ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

Now, where in the heck did I put that wrench?

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles "I'm gonna put a whoopin' on that boy" Mosley.


Wednesday, July 18, 2007

This guy could be boinking Anne T. Garcia

Noticeably absent from the DG the past couple weeks is the lovable Anne T. Garcia. She's probably laying on a North Carolinian beach, sipping on a goat blood cocktail, wearing a swim skirt. Mmm. Boner. Anyway, Joe Leicht is picking up the slack over at the Monroe County Clarion. This week, Joseph writes about Live Earth.

In case you missed it, there was a multi-continent, multi-media bash of Hollywood's finest the weekend of July 7.

I saw some of it! The Beastie Boys performed. They are synonymous with Hollywood. Or Brooklyn. Same thing!

Madonna was there. Bon Jovi was there. Newly bald Phil Collins-why the heck didn't he shave off that straggly comb-over years ago?-was there.

Bon Jovi is from New Jersey. Phil Collins is British. The Hollywood elite.

Even some of the music industry's temperamental groups who too often shatter our very existence by announcing a break up-in this case, the Black-eyed Peas and The Police-deemed this shindig important enough to reunite for.

I don't think the Black Eyed Peas ever broke up. Did they? And the police are embarking on a huge world tour. I think they reunited to do this. Not necessarily for Live Earth.

And of course, the Alec Baldwin/Rosie O'Donnell/George Clooney/Angelina Jolie troup of perpetually outraged actors dropped in to grace the proceedings.

"Troup"....?????

They gathered in New Jersey, Rio De Janeiro, London, Tokyo and a few other glitzy venues for a simultaneous eruption of music and moralism called Live Earth.

I've never been to New Jersey, but sources tell me it's not what you'd call "glitzy."

"THE GLITZ. THE GLAMMA. JERSEY!"

Live Earth was also in glitzy China. Here's their Hollywood-ridden set list:

Evonne Hsu
Anthony Wong
Soler
Huang Xiao Ming
12 Girls Band
Joey Yung

You get the point. They aren't Hollywood, but they're so fucking Shanghai.

Live Earth's purpose was to pump awareness of the "danger of global warming." It was coordinated through Save Our Selves, a not-for-profit environmentalist group headed by Al Gore.

Ah yes, the "danger" of "global warming." When I was little, I went hunting with my grandpa. He showed me the "danger" of "shooting myself in the head." Joseph, I'd say Live Earth did a pretty good job of raising awareness. It got your attention, right?

(You remember Al. He was number-two man in a White House that boasted of peace and prosperity, but still couldn't defeat stumblin', bumblin' George W. Bush seven Novembers ago. At least he did win the popular vote, just ask him.)

Yeah, that boastful Clinton Administration. They hung banners all over the White House - "Peace and Prosperity Accomplished!" - while dressed up like Gandhi.

SOS's stated goal is to provide "a continuous call to action to prompt individuals, corporations and governments around the world to "Answer the Call (regarding global climate changes) with immediate and sustained action."

Douche bags.

I recall a few decades ago, Kermit the Frog of Sesame Street fame crooned "it's not easy being green." Not to offend Muppet fans, but I must dissent.

You're offending me, but not because I'm a Muppet fan.

It is very easy being green, if that means having a soft heart (head?) and strident voice on the issue of global warming.

Those things are probably the least you could do. It doesn't make you...green? I don't know. Why aren't you "green?" Is it because you're an asshole who thinks global warming is made up?

Please note. I don't dismiss the merit in sparing the environment from unnecessary, manmade abuse whenever practical or observing good stewardship of the land and its waters.

It's "man-made." You're such a good guy, though. Everyone I know tries to hurt the environment - get this - on purpose.

Rather, I illuminate the pseudo-morality of the Green Left.

Oh my god, the spotlight is shining on the Green Left! Look at them! Like a deer in headlights! Trying to hide their marijuana and oh my god, look! They're all having butt sex and hating the military! And killing babies!

The human condition is such that we all need to recognize something as evil and to militate against it. Hollywood once did a fine job serving as American culture's moral compass. Catch a sitcom or drama from the first 20 years of network television or an old Frank Capra film on cable and you'll see what I mean.

Ah yes, the moral compass of the 1950s, when racial segregation was legal. Those were the good old days. I'd love to see TV couples sleeping in separate twin sized beds. That's where our moral compass should be. No fucking. Never mind that people had just as much premarital sex in the 50s as they do today. Anyway, Joseph, you're a lazy idiot if you think it's Hollywood's job to serve as America's moral compass. Isn't that what parents are for?

The entertainment industry always pointed its moral compass needle directly at us. Movies, TV shows and songs asked us if we were honest in our business dealings, faithful to our spouses, kind to the down-and-out and respectful to God Almighty.

That makes for some riveting entertainment. Have you heard of that new show, "Hoppity Skippity Dooodly Bop?" Little kids run around, being nice to one another. Their parents go to work everyday. They never run into any problems. They never make mistakes. They go to church on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Just like how America was during the first 20 years of network television! Ohhhh 1950-1969. How I long for thee.

Post-1980 Hollywood strokes our wrists for our individual moral failures while waggling a disapproving finger at social classes, industries and institutions.

I cheated on my girlfriend once - an individual moral failure - and Jessica Biel stroked my wrist for it. It was fucking awesome.

Here's an idea: Hollywood doesn't care about individual moral failures. That's the business of, you know, the individual. When industries are pumping greenhouse gases into the environment, hurting everyone, celebrities speak up because people listen to them. It raises, you know, awareness. It's not perfect, but fuck, it could be worse, right?

Simply put, it's easy for Lenny Kravitz et al to point to corporate America-a profiteering oligarchy though it may be-and say "The polar ice caps are melting, and you are to blame for it!" while ignoring if not encouraging the profligate lifestyles that are also weighing the scales against our future.

When the world ends, the only dude we'll have to blame is Lenny Kravitz. Let's do a sports analogy. Saying "Lenny Kravitz et al" when referring to the celebrity world is like saying "Dickey Simpkins and Co." when referring to the 90s Bulls. I mean, is Lenny Kravitz really even famous?

And, according to Joseph, little individual moral thingies (like a woman wearing a short skirt) is worse for humanity than global warming.

But honestly. Who really believes Madonna will buy toilet paper that may be a bit rougher on her tushie than the leading brand to forestall global warming? Or Sting will screw in environmentally friendly light bulbs at his multi-million dollar pad to keep the polar bears chilled and content? Please.

Does anyone think this guy is missing the point, just a little? And who says "tushie?" Say it, dude. Madonna's asshole. Yes!

Granted, we are more likely to see Shakira pedaling her bike to work or the Pussycat Dolls picking up hamburger wrappers on a McDonald's parking lot than we are to see them participating in a global performance series to raise awareness of abstinence education or endangered Second Amendment rights.

I do think we should raise awareness of abstinence education - you know, that it doesn't work. Though, I do believe Joseph has tapped into a great idea - we should use our rifles and shotguns to shoot at the CO2 molecules in the atmosphere. That'll show 'em.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Eric Karros assumes, leads to poor assumption

The Cardinals are on national TV today! 1992 NL Rookie of the Year Eric Karros is the color man for this afternoon's game. When Cardinals short person and perennial grit grinder Aaron Miles came to the plate in the second, Karros provided this analysis:

"Miles is a guy who's going to give you a good at-bat. Lots of singles, walks."

Uh, Eric....walks?

Aaron Miles career PA = 1634
Aaron Miles career BB = 89

He walks 5.4% of the time. That's in Jeff Francoeur's territory, whom I've dubbed "the Greek God of golly, I'm swinging at that pitch!"

Oh, and earlier I think Karros said that Pat Burrell is too patient. Too fucking patient. Right now, Burrell's patience is like, the only thing he has going for him.

A quick check shows that Eric Karros walked roughly 7.7% of the time. That's also not very good.

Friday, July 13, 2007

That grand slam sucked. It killed our rally.

I think I've reamed Cardinals announcer Al Hrabosky for this before, but anyway...

...a minute ago, with the Phillies leading 13-2 in the top of the ninth, Scott Spiezio came to bat with the bases loaded. Al Hrabosky had this to say:

"A grand slam here would be a rally killer."

Spiezio agreed, and took a walk. The Cardinals lost, 13-3.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Tim McCarver says weird things

Tonight's MLB All-Star game was frustrating for Cardinals fans. The National League team lost, and our own Lord Albert Pujols was kept on the bench by his own manager.

I kept my TV muted most of the way through, and then I sat on my remote and voila, I got to hear Tim McCarver say this about Phillies outfielder Aaron Rowand:

"He broke a nose while making a great running catch last season in a game against the Mets."

"A" nose. Fortunately, it was not Rowand's throwing nose, and he was able to avoid having season-ending surgery.

Friday, July 6, 2007

What's going on? What's happening?

Every once in a possum's year, someone bests us in the journalism-commentary department. I know, I know. It's hard to fathom. But it's true.

See this piece in America's Finest News Source and tell me the fictional "Jerry Schoepke" isn't modeled exclusively after one Gregonomous P. Orear. Yeah, it's an older clip, but it's every bit as true now as it was back in April 2002, the same year the KDE first appeared online.

On top of his weekly reporting duties, Schoepke writes a monthly column titled "What's Happening?" in which he comments on everything from local goings-on to national trends. Schoepke said the column is his favorite part of the job.

"What's Happening? is the part of the paper where I can get a little crazy," Schoepke said. "It gives me a chance to get anything and everything off my chest."

It's uncanny!

"What's Going On" was Grego's favorite, too, until a small team of bloggers started pestering him about "mistakes" and "inaccuracies" by posting comments on his Web site, most of which he deleted and kept secret. Jerry Schoepke is one of the lucky ones.

"The Gazette needs to keep pushing the envelope to remain relevant in today's media environment," Schoepke said. "So far, I think we're doing a pretty good job. You'd be surprised how often someone says to me, 'Hey, Jerry, I saw that article you wrote in the paper.' It's at least a few times a year. That's a good feeling."

No, this is a good feeling. For the first time in the DG's long, illustrious life, we don't feel so... alone.

:)

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Don't cry for me, Kirby Puckett

ESPN.com has message boards. Sometimes, I browse through them to remind myself of how damned intelligent I am compared to the average sports fan. Yesterday, while sipping on a delicious wheat beer, I stumbled across this thread.

Here's the premise - a dude starts a topic, saying that if Jim Edmonds isn't worthy of being in the Hall of Fame, then neither is Kirby Puckett. Basically, Edmonds is better than Puckett. This is true. He was better. Edmonds is like, the most underrated player of the past decade or more. Puckett was excellent, but Edmonds was better. Have I said that enough? Let's review:

Jim Edmonds > Kirby Puckett

The idiots over at ESPN.com disagree. Let's see their arguments.

DaBizzle says:

Big Deal Edmonds had 2 Good seasons in one of the biggest offensive eras in the history of baseball

2 good seasons? Horse shit. Jimmy's OPS+ from 2000-2005 (which takes into account how "big" the offensive eras are):

148, 150, 163, 161, 172, 136

Wow. That looks like...5 great seasons, and one very, very good season. DaBizzle has be debunked.

sayheykid_1 says: Again, Kirby played in a different offensive era, Edmonds put up theose numbers after he turned 30 and after MLB had the offensive explosion.

That's why we have statistics to account for differences in offensive eras. Jim Edmonds is a better hitter, no matter what.

julferts69 says: With all those HR's Edmond hit, you would think he would have more than 7 career RBI in 3 more seasons than Kirby.

Kirby Puckett had 7244 at-bats in his career. Edmonds has 6100 so far. So, shouldn't Puckett have more RsBI, given that he's had over 1100 more opportunities to drive in runs? It's not a good state to judge individual players, anyway. But still.

gunnarthor says: He more often finished in the top 10 of MVP voting then not. He made 10 all star teams and retired with more gold gloves and silver sluggers then any other outfielder (and since passed by Griffey and Bonds).

This is why judging players by "Top 10 MVP finishes," Gold Gloves, and Silver Sluggers is stupid - doing so by the latter two would tell you that Kirby Puckett was better than Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds (absurd!). And, in this case, Jimmy Edmonds.

DaBizzle says:
And we come back to the era in which Edmonds plays.... Kirby was consistently one of the best hitters in the league during his career. I've never heard that about Edmonds, and you can only make an argument really in 2 of his years

OR LIKE 5 OF HIS YEARS, WHERE HE WAS FUCKING AWESOME. HISTORICALLY AWESOME. AND GOD DAMNIT, THERE ARE STATISTICS TO COMPARE PLAYERS FROM DIFFERENT ERAS. EDMONDS IS STILL BETTER.

Phew. Kirby Puckett only had 2 years in which his OPS+ exceeded 140. Jim Edmonds had 5 of these, and in 3 of them, his OPS+ was over 160.

El dood says: If you were to poll the GMs -- from both Puckett's era and today -- the vast majority of them would take Puck as their CF'er over Jimmy.

A recent poll of general managers asked "If you had to choose one player to start a franchise with, who would it be? "

One GM selected Yadier Molina. Another, 8932 year old Takashi Saito. This is not a good litmus test.

Hossdriver says: Jim had more power, but Kirby struck out just over half as many times as Edmonds did, meaning he probably made more productive outs.

Jim has also walked 898 times in his career, compared to Puckett's 450...meaning that Jim had more productive plate appearances. Not probably. But definitely. Strikeouts, by the way, are outs...and usually a good indicator of isolated power. But since you look foolish striking out, it's held against players who do it a lot (even if they're still really fucking awesome).

ABs for the two are nearly identical with Kirby doing it in 3 less seasons

This is not true. 7300 and 6100 are not "nearly identical."

.156 in the WS for Edmonds is pretty lame...

In 32 at-bats. Given the small sample size, this is meaningless.

And oh my god, it gets really good here:

ThatsTheDagger says:

I'll end this argument with one name.

Sandy Koufax.

I just spit my delicious wheat beer all over my screen! Anyway, I predict this will make your side's argument weaker.

Koufax dominated his era for 6 years. Kirby Puckett, along with Junior, were basically considered the two best outfielders in the game for a stretch of 5 or 6 years, and Puckett was at or near the top for 10 of his 12 years. Dominating for a medium length is more important than being above average for a long period of time.

"Dominating for a medium length is more important than being above average for a long period of time." ?????????????????

That's exactly what Jim Edmonds did! He actually dominated. More than Kirby Puckett. With the bat, and in the field (check out their FRAA numbers). Wait, what the hell did that have to do with Sandy Koufax?

I would say that not even Edmonds would put himself in Puckett's class, but Jimmy Boy has the reputation as a jerk and the kind of guy that loves himself a little too much.

Jim Edmonds has the reputation of a really awesome baseball player who is really helpful to the younger guys in the clubhouse. You know, like a "veteran mentor." Not that it matters nearly as much as you think it should.

I'm not going to argue that Koufax in his prime was more dominating that Puckett in his, but in reality... they aren't that far apart.

You're a fucking stupid human being.

And then, someone suggests that "ThatsTheDagger" should read up on EqA, WARP, FRAR, FRAA, and so on (since Jim has better numbers for each), and the dude says this:

EqA is derived from Raw EqA, which is (H + TB + 1.5*(BB + HBP + SB) + SH + SF) divided by (AB + BB + HBP + SH + SF + CS + SB). REqA is then normalized to account for league difficulty and scale to create EqA.

Are you kidding me?? There is no way to know if that formula would rank players accurately. The more complicated the inputs of any function get, the more error and dillution there will be in the outputs. These stats try to get way too complex to answer questions that are obvious to the human eye.

Ah yes, the human eye. I remember when I was a little kid, Mark Whiten hit 4 home runs in a game for the Cardinals. My human eye would tell me that Mark Whiten was the best player in the history of the game. Actually, he kind of sucked. Statistics back me up on this.

Kirby Puckett was a better player than Jim Edmonds. Edmonds had his moments where he was a very good hitter, Puckett was a great hitter his entire career.

By "moments," I'm sure you mean "5 year stretches where he was one of the best centerfielders of all time. Much better than the very good Kirby Puckett."

Kirby's stats are not diminished by seasons of batting .250 or striking out as much as 167 times, his numbers are lifted by his amazing consistency and absolutely clutch World Series moments.

The year Jim Edmonds struck out 167 times, he had an OBP of .411 and an OPS+ of 148. Kirby only topped the latter once, and never came within 30 points of the former. Jim hit .250 in 1999, when he was so injured that he could only play in 55 games. This doesn't really hurt his career marks.

Let's brainstorm some players who have had "absolutely clutch World Series moments" and see if we want them in the HOF:

Joe Carter - no

Tino Martinez - no

Luis Gonzalez - no

Willie McGee - no

Jim Leyritz - no

See?

Here's some more from other posters:

when you think of great baseball players in the 90's, kirby puckett is probably one of the top 5 names that first comes out of your mouth.

Not exactly true, but still, this makes him better than Edmonds? Ah, the "quick, name 5 dudes off the top of your head" litmus test rating. Puckett rings in with a 44.9, and Jim's is a paltry 31.7. I see now.

Back to "ThatsTheDagger."

Albert Belle gets thrown into this discussion, because he, like Puckett, had his career cut short by injury. Here's what our boy Dagger has to say:

Puckett and Belle are different in one glaring area. Even if Puckett wasn't the greatest guy off the field, when he was at the park, playing the game, or doing anything associated with baseball, he did it with class and just exuberated joy. He was player and fan friendly and was a straight up winner. Belle was an a-hole off the field and made no effort to change that perception on the field.

I kind of liked Belle. He was a great player and fun to watch. I don't care if he's an asshole. That's Fernando Vina's problem. Still, are you saying this has anything to do with Hall worthiness?

Puckett's personal problems are just that, personal. If Albert Belle had a stroke today and was dying in the hospital, do you think players from all over the country would fly to his hospital to visit him. Doubt it. Do you think kids and young adults across the country (including myself) would get choked up hearing that he died and watching some of the memorial videos and tributes? Doubt it. Do you think the Indians would host a memorial service that attracted 40,000 fans in person? Doubt it.

This is the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, and really insulting to the family of Albert Belle - who by the way had a 192 OPS+ in 1994 with a .714 SLG% (!!!). That offsets any "chemistry issues" caused by Belle being any sort of a prick.

Edmonds is a lot closer to Belle than Puckett in this regard. Kirby had that affect on the game, to say that it did not play into his Hall of Fame induction is obviously wrong. But to say that those things should not have an affect of his induction is just idiotic.

Jim's career SIICOD (Sadness induced in case of death) rating: 65.4

Kirby's: 127.3 (third all time! whoa!)

Albert Belle's: 18.2 (gah!)

And that's it. The debate came to a screeching halt at this point, probably because everyone is taking some time to mourn the death of....wait, no. Uncontrollable laughter.

(By the way, remember that this is the impact that bad journalists and other bad deliverers of information have on the world. The Gregos, Joe Morgans, Bill Plaschkes, Anne Garcias, etc. They're making lots of people stupid.)

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Tony La Russa must still be drinking...

...because Freddy Sanchez made the NL All-Star team as a reserve. This is like, the stupidest thing ever. Compare Sanchez to Edgar Renteria or Hanley Ramirez. They were snubbed, no?

Don't get me started on Chris Young not making the team....

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Freeeeeeedoooooommmm!

Generally, people who spout off about how much they love freedom don't actually give a shit about freedom. Or, they misinterpret it. Joyce S., who writes to the Warrenton Journal, is a good example of this.

The United States of America!

Yay! America!

Though young in years compared to other nations, much wisdom was shown in its establishment.

I agree. Joyce, tell us how this is true!

Our founding fathers believed in the possibilities of a free nation of people who would elect their own leaders and have freedom of worship.

Yeah, something like that.

How fortunate we are that our founding fathers gave us these privileges. Our government is set up so that if we don't like those who are leading our nation, all we have to do is wait for the next election.

Eh, it's a little more complicated than that. After all, George Bush is still in office, and no one outside of culture expert Anne Garcia really likes him. But Joyce, your space is limited, so whatever.

We have the freedom to choose what we do with our lives, where we live and where we work.

Some people have more freedom than others. Differences in socioeconomic status, culture, and so on mean that freedom is not really inherent. Still, limited space!

But our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship God according to His will.

Clunk. That was the sound of Thomas Jefferson punching himself in the sack. Joyce, shouldn't that read "our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship whoever da fuck we want"???????????

Or, how about this - our most cherished freedom is the freedom to cherish our freedoms at varying degrees, as we want to cherish them. Cherish cherish cherish.

So this Fourth of July, let's stop and thank God for the freedoms we enjoy, and let's work hard in order to keep them.

Joyce - let's call you "J-Diddy" - you're free to thank God for these freedoms, but I'm just as free to thank Albert Pujols for them. That's freedom.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Are you there, God? It's me, Anne T. Garcia

Presenting...

SEXTALK WITH ANNE!

Just kidding. You guys know Anne. Please bow your heads.

It seems like President George W. Bush hasn't been able to catch a break.


Ever feel like you're having one of those presidencies?

The war goes from bad to worse, his poll numbers plummet and now the immigration issue is dividing the Republican Party.

And Anne expects Bush to "catch a break" about any of these things?

1. No one is going to be catching any "breaks" about the Iraq war anytime soon, as if it were simply a mismanaged banana stand.

2. Poll numbers plummet when people don't like the things you do. How exactly would anyone "catch a break" there? Perhaps by doing different things?

3. One might say that any division caused by the immigration issue (or any issue within either party) is a good thing, if only because it means politicians aren't all toeing the party line. Shouldn't the Republican party be pretty fucking divided, all things considered? What "break" should we give George Bush to make him feel better?

The libs salivate over the prospect of taking back the presidency, while holding on the both houses of Congress. Their dream agenda in that longed for era includes retreat from Iraq, higher taxes to redistribute the wealth and socialized medicine, which by the way, has been a dismal failure in Europe.

Longed-for era. Higher taxes for rich people. Free health care. Sounds cool!

You know what's been a great success in Europe? David Hasselhoff.

Anne, though... seriously. I tire of this secular commentary. WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ALMIGHTY?

But buckle your seat belts you left wing aficionados, it's all about to change. It's summer of 2007 and God is blessing America as never before.

I imagine that part being read by the guy who does all the movie trailers.

Many Christians have been aware for years that President Bush has to be blessed by God. It is simply a Biblical principle. If you submit to God, if you are humble and if you seek His face and pray, you will be blessed.

I know our throngs of readers come here to read hilarious commentary, but let's be serious here for a second. Really. This paragraph is just something that can't be ignored. It frightens me. It contains something so unconstitutional and despotism-ridden, I shudder and... perhaps... yes, I actually convulse as I reread it.

You don't capitalize "his" in AP style. God!

(Oh, and being "blessed by God" is like something straight out of King George's diary.)

Faulty political advisers notwithstanding, President Bush has modeled his life before the world as a practicing Christian. He must therefore reap what he has sown.

Agreed. Reap, George, reap. (But somebody give him a break in the meantime!)

Religious lunacy, untruthfulness and faulty logic notwithstanding, Anne T. Garcia has modeled her life after that of a newspaper columnist.

In our Tuesday morning prayer group we have been praying for a "spiritual Midway" in America for months. The Battle of Midway was the turning point in the war in the Pacific during World War II.

Now that the Daily Grego has the day and time of Anne T. Garcia's weekly prayer group, we will be scouring her future columns tirelessly, searching for clues revealing the location.

And then we're going to show up dressed as Barbara Bush and Enid Strict.

We are praying that America will turn around now, not only in its war against terror, but also in its war against sin. Bill O'Reilly calls it a culture war, but it's actually a war against the power of hell itself.

You know it's getting deep when Bill O'Reilly won't even fucking say it.

O'Reilly Factor Producer: Bill, here are the talking points for today's segment. War against the power of hell itself, that kind of thing.

Bill O'Reilly: *skims materials*
...I can't say this horseshit! I'll look like a fanatic!

God's signature characteristic, His proof that He is God, is that He knows and tells the future. If you are at all plugged into Biblical prophecy, you know that we are in a watershed moment in history of the planet.

I like how God has a "signature characteristic," like he's a sofa designer or something. Also, how do I get "plugged in" to Biblical prophecy? Lately all I've been getting is sports highlights and porn.

In May 2006 I received a mailer from internationally renowned evangelist Benny Hinn. It was entitled "5 Things That Will Happen Before Jesus Christ Returns." They are: The restoration of Israel, Russia's rise, Europe becoming a super power, worldwide lawlessness and then history's greatest outpouring.

If you're at all plugged into the internationally renowned evangelist community, you know Benny Hinn is the David Letterman of Messiah-related signs.

If you read many of the nationally syndicated columnists who appear in newspapers across the country, you know all of them frequently cite bulk rate "mailers" as reliable sources.

Also... worldwide lawlessness? Compared to when?

The first four of those points are in play and have been well chronicled in this column and elsewhere. Watching the evening news gives us a clear sense that we are in "the beginning of sorrows"(Matthew 24:7&8). These birth pangs will ultimately usher in the return of the Lord.

Yes, yes. Watching the evening news 600 years ago, you would have gotten the sense that things were actually quite nice!

This is quite remarkable for me to read, to be honest. Seriously. People think suicide bombings, violent homicides and natural disasters are the "birth pangs" of Jesus II? Remind me to take cover when God starts having contractions.

We have now arrived at the time of the greatest outpouring of God's power in history. It is no accident that the invention of videotape, satellite TV, cell phones and Internet access preceded the great harvest at the end of the age. God is using these vehicles to reach every tribe, tongue, nation and people.

Yes, yes! Yes! God's work, performed through the magic of Nextel. Holy Motorazrs falling from the heavens into the hands of unruly aborigines in the most primitive, untamed crevasses of wild bush. Millions of otherwise hedonistic peons using the Internet each day, not to access pornography or blog irresponsibly, but to digest God's word.

The last, ultimate Biblical sign of Christ's second coming is, like, the iPhone?

Those who are plugged into what prophetic voices in the body of Christ are saying can see it coming. There is already a mighty move of God in the prison system. Young people are turning away from the hedonism of the previous generation. Why do you think the military continually exceeds its enlistment quotas, even during this violent war?

Oh, I don't know... maybe because every branch and twig of this nation's military funnels enormous resources toward recruiting kids? Anyone with half a brain knows this. And weren't those enlistment numbers down not too long ago, anyway?

I'll tell you what. A lot of young people are enlisting in the military for one of two main reasons:
1. God is coming
2. Recruiters tell them they'll get paid to blow stuff up and women will dig it

Take your pick.

There are spiritual changes going on right now in Monroe County. God is raising up Christians who will cause the light of God to shine into the hearts of lost people. Again it's important to keep your eye on the younger generation.

We older American are their support troops. We labor over them and with them in prayer.

In... the Knights of Columbus building on Sentinel Street? The VFW Auxiliary Post off Highway 91? Your wallpapered basement on Eucharist Drive? Please, just a hint!

As for the forces of darkness, their power is already receding as the Holy Spirit sweeps through America in revival. For those who hate America, this summer will be the summer of their discontent.

Aw. We can't seem to catch a break!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

These guys probably won't be getting amnesty

The Kirksville Daily Express is a newspaper in northeastern Missouri. Its editors do not take part in typical editor duties, such as editing. In this case, an odd headline made it to the press.

Burglary spree ends with arrest of Scotland residents

This is truly startling! Residents of the UK's Scotland, raiding homes, stealing jewelry, having their way with the safe combinations of unsuspecting Missourians! Nicknamed "the Red-Headed Stepson Bandits," the suspects are finally in custody. We can breathe easy. Oh, wait...

They were talking about Scotland County, MO. The names of the burglars: Randall Perkins and Crystal Jenkins. This is so fucking disappointing - in fact, it reeks of Grego.

This is what you want to see in your inbox

I'm not the type of guy who e-mails news stories to my friends and family. I figure, if it's that interesting, they'll find out about it either way. Readers of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's website, STLtoday, apparently love keeping people up to date on the latest in St. Louis area news. Here are a few of yesterday's most e-mailed stories:

"Pridefest Parade gains a mainstream commercial feel"
"Cardinals and Jesus take the field at Busch"
"Tick removal tips"
"A list of personal records can ease your life...and your death"
"Acne drug on trial in Edwardsville"


Let's sum this up - they're turning Pridefest into Woodstock '99. Christ himself took the field for the Cardinals (apparently this wasn't enough to thwart the Jewish Shawn Green from hitting a walk-off homer). St. Louisans don't know that pulling on ticks usually does the trick. And the last two, well, they speak for themselves.

If you dig a little deeper (most e-mailed stories of the past 7 days), you'll find an article called "Aging monkey is loose in St. Charles County." A 40-year old female monkey, weighing between 6 and 8 pounds, was last seen Thursday. I think she's been found alive since this article was printed, but damnit....we here at the Daily Grego were hoping for a sadder ending, involving a screeching predatory bird, darting from the sky like an F15.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Kobe Bryant flashes everyone, or something

All-time favorite and Best American Sportswriter Bill Plaschke has been wowing us for years with his entertaining columns. He just wrote one about Kobe!

You, the woman from Torrance with the oversized No. 24 jersey? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly damaged the credibility of that uniform.

Here we go! I don't know exactly how you go about damaging the "credibility" of a uniform, but apparently it is a top concern. I guess this large Torrance woman should go out and buy an XXL Bruce Bowen jersey or something.

And, you, the Riverside father and son who can't afford tickets but cheer for all the Lakers on television? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly ripped those players.

When you disrespect Andrew Bynum, you disrespect the poor, blue-collar, father-son pairings of fans who've already lost their wives and mothers in tragic, violent, Kobe Bryant-related traffic accidents. Shame on you.

You say you love Bryant because he is entertaining.

And because he is fucking awesome at basketball.

What has happened in the last several weeks is not good entertainment. Blowing up the family car in anger over a sputtering engine is not good entertainment.

(Bill Plaschke has been driving the same purple 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity since he bought it used in 1994.)

At this moment, Bryant is not Magic Johnson, he is Paris Hilton. He is not Jerry West, he is Lindsay Lohan.

He is not Michael Jordan, he is Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen. What the fuck does this mean? And whose fault is it, really, that Kobe gets more stupid media attention than Jerry West did? Hm?

He is not the old show-time Hollywood, he is the new spoiled Hollywood, and again I ask, this is entertainment?

Entertainment is Buster Keaton pairing up with Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Entertainment is reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Maypole of Merrymount" in front of a crackling auburn fire. OLD-TIME! NOT NEW! SPOILED! BAD!

If Kobe Bryant is "spoiled Hollywood," what does that make, like, Tom Brady? Who isn't spoiled Hollywood, exactly? (Plaschke answers later.)

You say you love Bryant because he is a winner.

No, that means nothing. Robert Horry is a winner. Michael Finley is a winner. Beno Udrih was a winner this year. None of these players will ever contribute as much to "winning" as Kobe Bryant does. The people who love Kobe love him because he is like one of the three best basketball-playing human beings on the face of this planet.

Leveling your organization is not the move of a winner. Whining and crying publicly for a trade that will force the Lakers into accepting something less than full value is not the actions of a winner.

The Lakers reportedly nixed a deal for Jason Kidd because they didn't want to part with Andrew Bynum. THAT's not the move of a winner, dumbass. Who's really whining here?

Tim Duncan quietly allowing a tiny little dude from France to win the NBA Finals MVP, that is the move of a winner.

Oh my God, here we go. The good children.

Dwyane Wade's quiet acceptance of Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat, that is the move of a winner.

Characteristics of a winner: being quiet.

Robert Horry, seven-time NBA winner-type person: a silent, timid church mouse.
Kobe Bryant: Loud! Noisy! Bad! Hollywood!

Three years after being anointed as the solution, Bryant has decided instead to be the problem, and I ask, this is a winner?

The latest Bryant news would be funny, if it weren't so sad.

Just like those women who show their private parts to paparazzi, Bryant has profanely ripped the Lakers to two strangers in a parking lot.

KOBE BRYANT SAID ANDREW BYNUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED. I GUESS THAT'S JUST LIKE PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA. THESE LOUD, CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE NOT CHARACTERISTIC OF A WINNING BLOGGER

The two guys videotaped the rant on a digital camera that doubles as a video recorder, and they are now trying to sell access to the alleged tape for a couple of bucks a pop.

A digital photographing/video recorder videotaping device? That's not old-time.

To Bill Plaschke, I say: Now THIS is entertainment. Keep up the bad work.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

First runner-up: Enya's "Only If"

Blogging on location today from the Republican Northeast Regional Zone 2 Alternate Headquarters in Scranton, Pa. While I'm here, I'll be doing my darndest to provide fair, balanced coverage from one of campaign season's hottest hubbubs. Or is it just a hub? Either way, just doing my job, folks.

The latest from the other side: Hillarious Clinton has been keeping her climate-change-hating, baby-killing, bra-burning* supporters in suspense re: her official campaign song for what has seemed like months now. An open contest let liberal viewers determine the tune, and the winning chanson has been the object of much debate.

Until recently, that is.

In a much-anticipated (again, by the liberals) video unveiling, she gives us all a taste of what we'll be hearing for the next year and a half, if Satan** has his way, of course.



It's Celine Dion's "You and I."

Where the fuck are my earmuffs? I know I packed some for the Scranton trip.



*alleged bra-burning
**not an official campaign sponsor

Grego's loyal following of Grego followers

When Grego writes a column, people from the Kirksville micropolitan area pay attention. Some of them have the gumption to leave comments. Keep in mind how daring this is -- these people are talking to the man himself (Grego has to approve all posted comments...as it turns out, he often doesn't approve ours). Also remember how tough it must be for Grego; I mean, he may have to deal with actual criticism within some of these comments. Or, the following:

bubba wrote on Jun 16, 2007 10:23 PM:

" kind of gives me goose bumps to know you are so smart! no it wont make no difference at all!with fuel and food going up so much poor ole consumer not never voteing for another tax burden!we are just told to make due so them too! "

"Bubba" at the end of his 8th grade year: "4 D's and 3 F's? im not never gonna go to no school never again!"

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Graduates, get ready to be confused

High school graduation is a strange time. The week before graduation is typically a blast - parties, boobs, and so on. However, the summer after you graduate is pretty fucked up, for a few reasons. First, you're still couped up with your parents. Realizing that walking across that stage is not an immediate token of independence is pretty shitty.

Worse than that, I think, is old people spouting off wisdom that is, well, old. Today, I came across an article in the News Democrat Journal that perfectly fits this description. The author, Fred Nugent (not to be mistaken for his more well-known brother, Ted) has an odd way of appealing to the kiddos. Let's take a look.

Just got home from Seckman's graduation, and as I sit here in front of the computer, my mind wanders back to my own graduation, some 33 years ago as the Class of '74 marched across the stage in Alton, Ill., and received diplomas.

Let me set the stage and the mood of that year. Our country's involvement in Vietnam was winding down and though that conflict officially ended the year before, in 1973, the last Americans were evacuated from Saigon in April before our graduation.


This is a weird bit of revisionist history, because Freddy boy, Saigon fell in 1975 - almost a full year AFTER you graduated from high school.

The first UPC code would be scanned in June of 1974-a package of Wrigley's gum at a supermarket in Ohio. Evel Knievel would fail to cross the Snake River Canyon in September of that year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Jake Plummer, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. were all newborns.

Now this really puts things into perspective. Jake Plummer was a newborn around the time this guy graduated from high school. A name that resonates in the hearts and minds of high school seniors everywhere. Jordan. Woods. Shaq. Kobe. LeBron. Plummer. It's like when I graduated, and my dad said "you know son, Steve Bono was only 6 when I was your age?" It changed my life. Here are other sports equivalents to mediocre, semi-retired NFLer Jake Plummer:

Baseball: Richie Sexson, Raul Mondesi, Ron Gant
Basketball: Rik Smits, John Starks
Golf: Davis Love III
Boxing: Buster Mathis, Jr.

You get the point.

But as we sat there, we were entrusted with much of the same knowledge that the class of 2007 received earlier tonight: "You only live once, so what's stopping you from going for it!" or "The future is there for you to change".

"The future is there for you to change"

And the past, too!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Ah, it's swimsuit season

...and you know what that means.

Maybe it's just something I'll never understand, being so incredibly masculine and comfortable with my selection of tight, revealing lycra bathing wear, but how many humor/fashion/lifestyle columns can be written about swimsuits?

Answer: always one more. Check this gem from the Columbia Tribune's Irene Haskins, who actually founded the newspaper in 1901 at the tender age of 37.

Show me a woman who enjoys shopping for a swimsuit and I’ll show you a woman who can stuff sausage through a straw.

Ah yes. Sausage-stuffing. That's what I think of when I think of swimsuits.

Show me a woman who's brave enough to wear a two-piece to the country club, and I'll show you a woman who can really slap a wiener between two buns.

(In related news, the Tribune recently ran this letter concerning the warning signs of sexual harassment in public. It's cool! But at first glance, we thought it was a to-do list.)

Anne T. Garcia lies in column about how she never lies

Anne T. Garcia is a friend of our blog. And by "friend," I mean "so batshit stupid that it's like, really easy to make fun of her dumb columns." Today, Anne rallies against lying, and somehow makes herself look dumber than usual.

I've decided to make a concerted effort to give up saying things that are not true, no matter how painful it may be.

I will keep a running count of things Anne Garcia says that are not true. (One)

Being honest is an American tradition going all the way back to the story (never substantiated) of George Washington and the cherry tree.


The cherry tree story was invented by an early Washington biographer. Isn't it kind of stupid to harp on America's truthfulness by citing a complete fucking myth? (Two)

Not that I'm known for telling whoppers. Most people consider me to be pretty much of a straight arrow.

Read my previous entry on Anne Garcia. Count the whoppers. (Three)

But let's be frank, there are times when those little lies drip down from our lips.

Groundbreaking.

"Are you free for lunch?" "Do you like my haircut?" and "Did you remember that today's my birthday?" are questions that might cause an untruth to slip out. Almost without thinking we are inclined to give the socially acceptable answer.

Yes, because saying "fuck you, I don't want to be seen with you in public" or "your hair looks like pubes" or "no, I didn't remember your stupid birthday" is the way to go. Surely, you don't think this is true.

And then there's this question: "How old are you?" In times past, I'd lied about my age so often I actually had to stop and calculate when I wanted to remember my true age.

If I had to guess, I would say that Anne Garcia is somewhere between 130 and 198 years old.

What's the big deal about telling those little white lies?

What? Just what? Could it be something to do with God being pissed at us and the impending doom of mankind?

We are living in a world filled with nukes, terrorism, drug-resistant bacteria, war, famine and earthquakes. In short, we are living at the end of the age.

Movie ad: "In a world full of earthquakes, a newspaper columnist searches for the truth." Other than the nukes, haven't these things been around since like, before man invented the wheel?

The great Apostle Paul encouraged us to escape the wrath to come, the upcoming seven years of tribulation. The Lord will receive us in the air, to spend those seven years safely in heaven with Him.

The great Apostle Paul would probably be creeped out by you, Anne. Fuck, I lost count. Let's call that...(eight).

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air" (1 Thessalonians 4:16,17).

Here's how Anne finds these insightful quotes: She gets on her computer (a Packard Bell desktop with a Pentium Processor), sticks her Bible CD-Rom into her 4x speed, read-only drive, waits twelve minutes for it to load up, and types in the search bar whatever is offending her at the moment.

But here's the kicker. The Church that's caught away must be pure. Paul calls it "without spot or wrinkle" (Ephesians 5:27).

Without spot...or wrinkle!?!? I can do it without spot. But damnit...there's gotta be some wrinkle, Anne. Actually, this sounds more like what you would hear on a stain remover commercial.

I've known how to give up lying for quite a while.

(nine)

I heard a great evangelist teach on it several years ago. As soon as you realize you're telling a lie you stop yourself in mid sentence and make the correction. Embarrassing? Yes it is, but necessary to achieve the goal.

"Yeah, Betty. Your haircut looks like my ass...and by that, I mean, really good, because I love my ass."

For example, "Of course I remembered that today's your birthday-let me correct myself, honey. Actually, I forgot it was your birthday, but now that I've remembered, happy birthday."

Shut it! I already gave an example. This one should be "now that you've reminded me, happy birthday. Oh, you're calling me a bitch for forgetting?"

That's what I should have said to my daughter when she called me on her birthday in February. But I didn't-I lied, I said I remembered.

Whoa! Anne Garcia forgot her daughter's birthday. Granted, when you're 183 years old, and your daughter is in her 150s, it can be difficult to keep track of.

Once, when I was in a car accident, the officer asked if I was wearing my seat belt.

Did he really? (ten)

"Yes," I said, without batting an eye.

I wasn't. I should have declined to answer.

Ironically, said accident occurred before cars had seat belts. Thus...(eleven)

Taking honesty to the next level is walking in integrity.

Anne, when I read your columns, I shoot a big load of integrity all over my computer screen. The more I read, the more that shoots out. I'm nipple-deep in it right now. (twelve, because, what the fuck does it mean to "walk in integrity?")

Integrity has been defined as doing what's right when no one is watching.


But you can make yourself look like an old-fashioned, intolerant windbag when your writing is published in a newspaper. (thirteen)

Part of that virtue includes keeping our word. When I was raising my children, I tried to instill that principle in them. If they accepted an invitation and something better came along, they were bound by their word.

Unless "something better coming along" had to do with licking the pages of the Bible.

To help me along in my quest for honesty I have a reminder on my refrigerator: ". . . all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).

That's the kind of refrigerator decor you want to read when you're thirsty for a Mello Yellow. By the way, Anne, you have lied at least thirteen times in this column. You have some work to do.

It gets awfully hot in Monroe County in the summertime, but not nearly as hot as the lake of fire.

The eleventh commandment, which is not as well-known as the first ten, reads "Thou shall not be tactful."

Honestly, how old am I? None of your business.

You are a 204 year-old bundle of happiness. And here's a quote from the last column of yours that I lampooned:

Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.


Anne Garcia's age="None uh yo' bizness!"
What people do in their own bedrooms = public fucking domain

Now, that's a whopper.