Kobe Bryant flashes everyone, or something

All-time favorite and Best American Sportswriter Bill Plaschke has been wowing us for years with his entertaining columns. He just wrote one about Kobe!

You, the woman from Torrance with the oversized No. 24 jersey? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly damaged the credibility of that uniform.

Here we go! I don't know exactly how you go about damaging the "credibility" of a uniform, but apparently it is a top concern. I guess this large Torrance woman should go out and buy an XXL Bruce Bowen jersey or something.

And, you, the Riverside father and son who can't afford tickets but cheer for all the Lakers on television? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly ripped those players.

When you disrespect Andrew Bynum, you disrespect the poor, blue-collar, father-son pairings of fans who've already lost their wives and mothers in tragic, violent, Kobe Bryant-related traffic accidents. Shame on you.

You say you love Bryant because he is entertaining.

And because he is fucking awesome at basketball.

What has happened in the last several weeks is not good entertainment. Blowing up the family car in anger over a sputtering engine is not good entertainment.

(Bill Plaschke has been driving the same purple 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity since he bought it used in 1994.)

At this moment, Bryant is not Magic Johnson, he is Paris Hilton. He is not Jerry West, he is Lindsay Lohan.

He is not Michael Jordan, he is Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen. What the fuck does this mean? And whose fault is it, really, that Kobe gets more stupid media attention than Jerry West did? Hm?

He is not the old show-time Hollywood, he is the new spoiled Hollywood, and again I ask, this is entertainment?

Entertainment is Buster Keaton pairing up with Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Entertainment is reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Maypole of Merrymount" in front of a crackling auburn fire. OLD-TIME! NOT NEW! SPOILED! BAD!

If Kobe Bryant is "spoiled Hollywood," what does that make, like, Tom Brady? Who isn't spoiled Hollywood, exactly? (Plaschke answers later.)

You say you love Bryant because he is a winner.

No, that means nothing. Robert Horry is a winner. Michael Finley is a winner. Beno Udrih was a winner this year. None of these players will ever contribute as much to "winning" as Kobe Bryant does. The people who love Kobe love him because he is like one of the three best basketball-playing human beings on the face of this planet.

Leveling your organization is not the move of a winner. Whining and crying publicly for a trade that will force the Lakers into accepting something less than full value is not the actions of a winner.

The Lakers reportedly nixed a deal for Jason Kidd because they didn't want to part with Andrew Bynum. THAT's not the move of a winner, dumbass. Who's really whining here?

Tim Duncan quietly allowing a tiny little dude from France to win the NBA Finals MVP, that is the move of a winner.

Oh my God, here we go. The good children.

Dwyane Wade's quiet acceptance of Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat, that is the move of a winner.

Characteristics of a winner: being quiet.

Robert Horry, seven-time NBA winner-type person: a silent, timid church mouse.
Kobe Bryant: Loud! Noisy! Bad! Hollywood!

Three years after being anointed as the solution, Bryant has decided instead to be the problem, and I ask, this is a winner?

The latest Bryant news would be funny, if it weren't so sad.

Just like those women who show their private parts to paparazzi, Bryant has profanely ripped the Lakers to two strangers in a parking lot.

KOBE BRYANT SAID ANDREW BYNUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED. I GUESS THAT'S JUST LIKE PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA. THESE LOUD, CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE NOT CHARACTERISTIC OF A WINNING BLOGGER

The two guys videotaped the rant on a digital camera that doubles as a video recorder, and they are now trying to sell access to the alleged tape for a couple of bucks a pop.

A digital photographing/video recorder videotaping device? That's not old-time.

To Bill Plaschke, I say: Now THIS is entertainment. Keep up the bad work.