This guy could be boinking Anne T. Garcia

Noticeably absent from the DG the past couple weeks is the lovable Anne T. Garcia. She's probably laying on a North Carolinian beach, sipping on a goat blood cocktail, wearing a swim skirt. Mmm. Boner. Anyway, Joe Leicht is picking up the slack over at the Monroe County Clarion. This week, Joseph writes about Live Earth.

In case you missed it, there was a multi-continent, multi-media bash of Hollywood's finest the weekend of July 7.

I saw some of it! The Beastie Boys performed. They are synonymous with Hollywood. Or Brooklyn. Same thing!

Madonna was there. Bon Jovi was there. Newly bald Phil Collins-why the heck didn't he shave off that straggly comb-over years ago?-was there.

Bon Jovi is from New Jersey. Phil Collins is British. The Hollywood elite.

Even some of the music industry's temperamental groups who too often shatter our very existence by announcing a break up-in this case, the Black-eyed Peas and The Police-deemed this shindig important enough to reunite for.

I don't think the Black Eyed Peas ever broke up. Did they? And the police are embarking on a huge world tour. I think they reunited to do this. Not necessarily for Live Earth.

And of course, the Alec Baldwin/Rosie O'Donnell/George Clooney/Angelina Jolie troup of perpetually outraged actors dropped in to grace the proceedings.

"Troup"....?????

They gathered in New Jersey, Rio De Janeiro, London, Tokyo and a few other glitzy venues for a simultaneous eruption of music and moralism called Live Earth.

I've never been to New Jersey, but sources tell me it's not what you'd call "glitzy."

"THE GLITZ. THE GLAMMA. JERSEY!"

Live Earth was also in glitzy China. Here's their Hollywood-ridden set list:

Evonne Hsu
Anthony Wong
Soler
Huang Xiao Ming
12 Girls Band
Joey Yung

You get the point. They aren't Hollywood, but they're so fucking Shanghai.

Live Earth's purpose was to pump awareness of the "danger of global warming." It was coordinated through Save Our Selves, a not-for-profit environmentalist group headed by Al Gore.

Ah yes, the "danger" of "global warming." When I was little, I went hunting with my grandpa. He showed me the "danger" of "shooting myself in the head." Joseph, I'd say Live Earth did a pretty good job of raising awareness. It got your attention, right?

(You remember Al. He was number-two man in a White House that boasted of peace and prosperity, but still couldn't defeat stumblin', bumblin' George W. Bush seven Novembers ago. At least he did win the popular vote, just ask him.)

Yeah, that boastful Clinton Administration. They hung banners all over the White House - "Peace and Prosperity Accomplished!" - while dressed up like Gandhi.

SOS's stated goal is to provide "a continuous call to action to prompt individuals, corporations and governments around the world to "Answer the Call (regarding global climate changes) with immediate and sustained action."

Douche bags.

I recall a few decades ago, Kermit the Frog of Sesame Street fame crooned "it's not easy being green." Not to offend Muppet fans, but I must dissent.

You're offending me, but not because I'm a Muppet fan.

It is very easy being green, if that means having a soft heart (head?) and strident voice on the issue of global warming.

Those things are probably the least you could do. It doesn't make you...green? I don't know. Why aren't you "green?" Is it because you're an asshole who thinks global warming is made up?

Please note. I don't dismiss the merit in sparing the environment from unnecessary, manmade abuse whenever practical or observing good stewardship of the land and its waters.

It's "man-made." You're such a good guy, though. Everyone I know tries to hurt the environment - get this - on purpose.

Rather, I illuminate the pseudo-morality of the Green Left.

Oh my god, the spotlight is shining on the Green Left! Look at them! Like a deer in headlights! Trying to hide their marijuana and oh my god, look! They're all having butt sex and hating the military! And killing babies!

The human condition is such that we all need to recognize something as evil and to militate against it. Hollywood once did a fine job serving as American culture's moral compass. Catch a sitcom or drama from the first 20 years of network television or an old Frank Capra film on cable and you'll see what I mean.

Ah yes, the moral compass of the 1950s, when racial segregation was legal. Those were the good old days. I'd love to see TV couples sleeping in separate twin sized beds. That's where our moral compass should be. No fucking. Never mind that people had just as much premarital sex in the 50s as they do today. Anyway, Joseph, you're a lazy idiot if you think it's Hollywood's job to serve as America's moral compass. Isn't that what parents are for?

The entertainment industry always pointed its moral compass needle directly at us. Movies, TV shows and songs asked us if we were honest in our business dealings, faithful to our spouses, kind to the down-and-out and respectful to God Almighty.

That makes for some riveting entertainment. Have you heard of that new show, "Hoppity Skippity Dooodly Bop?" Little kids run around, being nice to one another. Their parents go to work everyday. They never run into any problems. They never make mistakes. They go to church on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Just like how America was during the first 20 years of network television! Ohhhh 1950-1969. How I long for thee.

Post-1980 Hollywood strokes our wrists for our individual moral failures while waggling a disapproving finger at social classes, industries and institutions.

I cheated on my girlfriend once - an individual moral failure - and Jessica Biel stroked my wrist for it. It was fucking awesome.

Here's an idea: Hollywood doesn't care about individual moral failures. That's the business of, you know, the individual. When industries are pumping greenhouse gases into the environment, hurting everyone, celebrities speak up because people listen to them. It raises, you know, awareness. It's not perfect, but fuck, it could be worse, right?

Simply put, it's easy for Lenny Kravitz et al to point to corporate America-a profiteering oligarchy though it may be-and say "The polar ice caps are melting, and you are to blame for it!" while ignoring if not encouraging the profligate lifestyles that are also weighing the scales against our future.

When the world ends, the only dude we'll have to blame is Lenny Kravitz. Let's do a sports analogy. Saying "Lenny Kravitz et al" when referring to the celebrity world is like saying "Dickey Simpkins and Co." when referring to the 90s Bulls. I mean, is Lenny Kravitz really even famous?

And, according to Joseph, little individual moral thingies (like a woman wearing a short skirt) is worse for humanity than global warming.

But honestly. Who really believes Madonna will buy toilet paper that may be a bit rougher on her tushie than the leading brand to forestall global warming? Or Sting will screw in environmentally friendly light bulbs at his multi-million dollar pad to keep the polar bears chilled and content? Please.

Does anyone think this guy is missing the point, just a little? And who says "tushie?" Say it, dude. Madonna's asshole. Yes!

Granted, we are more likely to see Shakira pedaling her bike to work or the Pussycat Dolls picking up hamburger wrappers on a McDonald's parking lot than we are to see them participating in a global performance series to raise awareness of abstinence education or endangered Second Amendment rights.

I do think we should raise awareness of abstinence education - you know, that it doesn't work. Though, I do believe Joseph has tapped into a great idea - we should use our rifles and shotguns to shoot at the CO2 molecules in the atmosphere. That'll show 'em.