Hey there, old man. I've seen your daughter naked!

Charles Mosley, who writes columns for the West County Journal, has been on my radar for a while. This week's column finally put him over the edge. Apparently, Charles is protective of his daughters. So yeah, this column is full of original thought!

My firstborn daughter is beautiful, but you don't care about that.

Let me interrupt - how old is your firstborn daughter?

My second-born daughter is beautiful, too, but you don't care about her, either.

Wait, wait. Question: How old is your second-born daughter? Also, she doesn't look like you...right?

The reason you don't care is they are not your daughters.

No, that's precisely why I do care, you silly old man.

Ah, but you would care very much if you were a young lad vying for their affections. This is the situation we're dealing with at the Mosley Estate in Manchester.

Shit, how old are they? They live with you? Or are they home visiting from the Peace Corps or something? Fill me in, dude!

Emily the Younger still thinks boys are creeps, a position I share wholeheartedly.

Shit. Wait, she's the younger one? How much older is the older one, _______ the elder?

But Katy the Elder looks upon boys more favorably. And likewise, they seem to hold her in high regard.

Seriously, "the Elder?" You're talking about your daughters here, not Holy Roman princesses.

Kate no longer looks like a little girl. She is evolving into a very pretty young lady.

We get it. Your daughter is pretty. And she's evolving.

This is not good.

So you want her to look like you.

She has captured the attention of several young fellows, and she seems to like one of them.

At least she doesn't like some creepy older guy who oogles teenage girls.

This is not good, either. In fact, it's bad.

Do you want us to help you? We here at the Daily Grego love community service. Not like, you know. How old did you say she is again?

I know what teenage boys think about every 3.5 seconds. When they become middle-aged men, they only think about it every 5.3 seconds.

Tilling the garden with your daughter, Katy the Elder?

So excuse the heck out of me if I have trouble warming up to some whippersnapper who thinks my daughter is a babe.

When I was a teenager, I knew people who had their significant others over to watch movies with the family. It was a good old time, with everyone handing around a napkin for their microwave popcorn fingers, packed onto a single couch like a can of sardines. Then, the parents would leave for the weekend, and the kid and his/her SO would have sex in the master bedroom - the parents' bed. That's what happens when you "warm up." You think they like you, but as soon as you turn your back, bam! So, don't bother. You're cool, Charles. You're cool.

This is my Katy, my kid, the one I drove to and from preschool; the one I stood next to at the bus stop each day when she attended elementary school; the one who became my pint-sized fishing buddy.

Yeah yeah. Now, how long ago was this?

I decided to formally introduce myself to the chap who is interested in Kate. You know, try to get to know him a little bit. I informed Kate of my plans.

I don't get this - a formal introduction? Did you rent a tux or something?

"Dad, please don't," she said. "You'll embarrass me."

"Seriously, dad. You want Dylan to wear a matching tux?"

Embarrass her? I would challenge anyone to cite an example of when I've been an embarrassment.

Mosley, Charles. "Journalistic Reflections: Hey there, kid. I'm Katy's dad." West County Journal, 17 July 2007, A5.

Well, there WAS that unfortunate incident at a cantina in Matamoros. And yes, it's true one should never shoot bottle-rockets at night at the Missouri Governor's Mansion.

Or that time you decided to start writing articles for the West County Journal.

Anyway, I told Kate a formal introduction is considered polite. Proper etiquette demands it. I had no intention of embarrassing her in front of her young friend. She eyed me suspiciously and asked what I intended to say. So, I told her:

My money is on Charles saying something humorous, and somewhat threatening.

"Hello, young man. I'm Charles Mosley. I'm Katy's dad. Be nice to my daughter or I'll break your legs."

I was right about "somewhat threatening," but I didn't expect Charles Mosley to include his e-mail address in his introduction. That alone would be enough to scare the kid off.

She looked horrified. I don't know why. My friend Mike thought it was a fine idea. Mike even offered a helpful suggestion.

I'm calling it - Mike's going to say something about a blunt object.

"When you're telling him this, hold a wrench in your right hand and tap it a few times into the palm of your left hand," Mike said.

Hahahahaha, Charles Mosley's friend Mike is off da hook!

I haven't told Kate about Mike's suggestion, because she's out of town with her mom and sister. I'm home alone and bored.

You have so much time on your hands - an empty house - and this is the best you could come up with?

I think I'll take a little drive. It might be an opportune time to formally introduce myself to a young man.

NEXT, ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

Now, where in the heck did I put that wrench?

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles "I'm gonna put a whoopin' on that boy" Mosley.