the daily grego

Fox News - um, you can't say that

2008-05-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

Liz Trotta doesn't seem to be a huge Barack Obama fan...or as she calls him - "Osama." I hope she thinks the Secret Service are handsome, because she may have a date with them soon. Bill O'Reilly isn't available for comment. Shame shame.

It's been a while

2008-05-23T12:24:00.000-07:00

I never thought we'd return. Over the past few months, we've been incredibly busy - "X" started his career as a sheepherder, and I finished up my degree in pizza eating. So we haven't updated, although there were certainly times when we thought about it. Well think no more, because everyone's favorite bastion of intolerance has written her most offensive column yet.

"Demo's, al Qaeda profess same goal"

A few months ago, Anne T. Garcia said that George W. Bush is God's great general. So this kind of horse shit really isn't out of the ordinary, for her. That doesn't make it any less offensive.

It's memorial day weekend, and America heads to the beaches, mountains, and campsites to celebrate the traditional beginning of summer

"It's 3AM, and your children are sleeping..."

Cemeteries are donned with wreaths and flowers honoring those who have paid the ultimate price to secure our liberty. As the saying goes, freedom isn't free.

Anne has a widget on her computer called "Patriotic Slogan Generator v0.22." It's like porn to her.

Many brave Americans rallied to join the armed services after the despicable acts of Sept. 11, 2001. They understood the words of President George W. Bush that proved to be eerily prophetic: The axis of evil is Iraq, Iran and North Korea.In a larger sense, they represent radical Sunni Islam (Iraq), radial Shiite Islam (Iran) and communism (North Korea). These three evils will continue to be the greatest threat to humanity, until they are annihilated.

Anne, most of those brave Americans you speak of didn't think they'd be duped into fighting a pointless, unjust, quagmire of a war. "President" Bush had the goodwill of mostly the entire world on his side after 9/11. Squandering that is like popping out on one of Barry Zito's 83 mph fastballs; Bush earned himself a backwards K in this case.

And what's this talk of annihilation? Is that something a good Christian would say? You're a horrible person.

The world should be beating a path to Washington, D.C., and Israel, thanking them for their stance against terrorism. But it isn't playing out that way.

"Thank you Mr. Bush for starting a war in Iraq which has made Iran more powerful, and also, we couldn't be happier that the terrorists in Afghanistan are stronger than ever because you decided to turn your attention to Iraq." So, Anne...how is all this playing out?

Inexplicably in America, even the Democratic Party is lining up with one of the main goals of al Qaeda.

Well if that's not the craziest, cunt-iest thing I've ever read, I don't know what could be!

She goes on to cite a memo from al-Zawahiri, regarding "the future plans of Al Qaeda in 2005." These somehow compare to the Democratic Party's plans...for Al Qaeda in 2008, according to Anne Garcia, horrible person and voice of the lunatic Christian right:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

Democrats want to end the war by removing American troops safely and peacefully. They don't want to "expel" them. "Expel" has some pretty violent connotations, no?

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority . . . until it achieves the level of a caliphate . . . in order to fill the void stemming from the departure of the Americans.

The third stage: Extend the jihad wave to the secular countries neighboring Iraq.

The fourth stage: The clash with Israel.

So the Democrats want to establish an Islamic authority, extend the jihad, and then...start a war with Israel? Or, Anne, were you just basing your stupid comparison on the first phase, which was baseless in itself?

It couldn't be any more clear. The Democratic Party and its presidential hopefuls have the same goal as al Qaeda: Remove the Americans from Iraq.

Oh, OK, you were. Thanks for clearing that up.

Maybe the Dem's don't realize that the next play in the Sunni playbook is to take the Middle East for al Qaeda. Or maybe they just don't care.

Read this column by Joe Biden, the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, and tell me who's out of touch and who doesn't care. That's right -- take a minute to minimize that picture of Bush clearing brush (and while you're at it, take your hand off your twat), and read something from outside your echo chamber of ignorance.

Now call me crazy, call me naive, call me a patriot, but I don't think Americans should line up on the same side with al Qaeda.

You are crazy and naive. You're not a patriot, as if that's some sort of insult. What is insulting is that you fancy yourself a patriot, when you're actually a black hole of fundamentalist despotism, ridden with logical fallacies so vast that even Bill O'Reilly himself looks marginally sane in your shadow.

If the Democrats cannot wrest their party from the George Souros, ultra left, radicals then they do not deserve your vote.

Don't you mean George SOROS? Anyway, remember that Sarah Silverman thing that came out a few months ago - "I'm Fucking Matt Damon"? Anne should come out with her own version: "I'm Fucking Dick Cheney." I hereby apologize to everyone reading this for that image, and to Barry Zito, who I've heard is a really cool guy.

While we were out

2007-09-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

OK, I know we've been gone for a while. But come on.

At the Missouri Press Association's annual awards luncheon, our beloved KDE editor, Grego P. Fabulous, won THIRD PLACE honors in the best columnist competition. Third place. Out of like five. At least two columnists actually finished behind Grego.

What "Press Association" from hell.........................?

Anyway, it was the first such award Grego received since this 2004 accolade and damnit, it had better be the last. He is not even the third best columnist in Kirksville.

More to come soon.

EDIT: The story included a picture of Grego. He's in the center. Gregory Orear: Award-winning journalist, and an avid user of mousse. Here's what his fans had to say:

Leisa Gardner wrote on Sep 12, 2007 9:40 AM:

" "Congrat" well done to some well deserving, miss your columns in the LCL can't wait until Monday to read Good luck in the future "

Leisa learned to write at the Grego School of Sentence Structure. She majored in "totally forgetting that punctuation exists," and graduated with honors.

vance myers wrote on Sep 11, 2007 10:48 PM:

" Congrats well deserved.... It is great to see the quality of journalism we have in (for) the community....This is the type of thing we need to build pride in our community and the people in it.....Thanks for the good work!!!! "

Vance's first name is actually "Lance." He just thinks "Vance" sounds cool.

CK wrote on Sep 11, 2007 5:24 PM:

" Congratulation! Out did the KC Star, huh? I'm impressed! Don't mind saying I am! :-) "

So far, Grego has received one "congrat" and one "congratulation." They love him because he writes on their level.

Is this one of those "here's your sign" things?

2007-08-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

Our readers know that we love headlines. Here's one from the Chicago Tribune:

Ad firms doubting future of NFL star

Michael Vick's image hurt by animal abuse

Could have fooled me! The guy who wrote this article, Greg(o) Johnson, has a history of "master of the obvious"-type headlines. For example, here's one from 1994:

"Slicing up white people hurts Simpson's broadcasting career"

At least his golf swing wasn't compromised!

Chipping away at my sanity

2007-08-26T11:54:00.000-07:00

I'm watching the Cardinals play the Braves right now on TBS. Adam Wainwright is pitching, and Chip Caray is the announcer. He's the grandson of Harry Caray - his real name is actually Harry Caray III. He's also a moron; here's what he said about Wainwright's contributions to the 2006 Cardinals:

"You could say that Wainwright was the MVP of last year's Cardinals team...he was an excellent middle reliever and then took over as the closer when Isringhausen went down...then he got the final out of the World Series. "

Adam Wainwright was pretty god-damned good last year, Chip. But the Cardinals also had a guy named Albert Pujols on the 2006 team. He's also on the '07 team! Albert's OPS+ last year was 180. His EqA was .358. His WARP3 was 13.2. In April and May, he carried the team with a .315/.449/.775 line. Adam Wainwright, meanwhile, was a really good relief pitcher. Thankfully, Chip shut himself up after...wait, he said more.

"Wainwright could also be the MVP of this year's team; he's the only pitcher who's been able to go out there every fifth day for this Cardinals team blah blah blah."

God damnit. Wainwright has been the best Cardinals starter, I'll give him that. He's turning into a very good starting pitcher. However, Albert Pujols is on this team, too. Since May 1st, he's hitting .336/.438/.590. If the Cards make the playoffs, he will probably win the MVP. Of the National League. The fact that he's the team MVP is a given.

Oh baby, you're so hot

2007-08-18T20:30:00.000-07:00

My colleague came across this article, God knows how, and sent it to me. I think it's worth sharing with our loyal readers.

Fire ends teens' attempt to lose virginity

"A TEENAGE couple having sex for the first time were interrupted when candles set fire to the girl's attic bedroom and forced them to flee naked from her parents' house, German daily Bild reported today."

This is great. Talk about a memorable first time! This is worse than a story I heard from one of my friends - he sat his bare ass on the hood of a car that had just been driven for 3 hours. Actually, I don't think sex was involved that time. He was just naked and needed a place to sit. Either way, nakedness + thermal radiation = bad. This couple, since they were having sex in an attic, had a lot to contend with. Wasps, fiberglass, weird ceilings, and so on. Burning down her parents' house was probably the least of their worries. I offer my sincerest condolences.

Attack of the killer taint

2007-08-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

We here at the Daily Grego love a good headline. This qualifies as, well, a pretty fucking awesome headline.

"Will the Abramoff Taint Do New Harm This Time?"

Thanks, Yahoo! News, for making my day. Not even the world of hardcore porno has ventured into graphic acts involving Republican lobbyist taint. And you thought this post would bring in the riff-raff!

Let me refer you to this chart

2007-08-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dedicated reader Jessie G. writes in with this interesting piece of media awkwardness:

This is a clip from the prime-time evening news on WFTX-Channel 4,
which serves southwestern Florida (and reaches about 500,000 people
throughout Naples, Fort Myers and surrounding areas).

Click here for the story and video.

Jessie continues:

It's rudimentary, but fine, until you get to minute 2:15 or so. Then
you're in for a real treat. Tell me where, exactly, Ms. Connors
learned such high-level graphic wizardry. Check out that light
placement--clever how it illuminates the *corner* of her prop (and
yet, somehow misses that fine color print she brandishes with such
righetousness.) Finally, look at Ms. Connors dig in and pull out all
the stops to get in touch with President Bush. You'll forgive me if I
never saw whether she was successful. I had fallen onto the floor,
gasping for breath, by this point.

Thanks Jessie. That segment took a turn for the archaic; in its honor, the next edition of the Daily Grego will be written in BASIC.

Headlines!

2007-08-10T01:33:00.000-07:00

Journalists: When the good die young, there's no better way to honor them than with an awkward, misleading headline:

Normal man died of natural causes in Florida

Apparently, the guy lived in a town called "Normal." It could have been worse - he could have been a resident of a town called "Cum-drenched" or "Fat homosexual." Not that there's anything wrong with that! (There's no telling what kind of riff-raff this post is going to attract to the DG.)

Bravely going where no man has ever gone before

2007-08-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

Whoever at the Post-Dispatch writes Kevin Horrigan's headlines for the web is doing a bang-up job. Last week, it was the simple but elegant "DOGS."

This week, KH takes us on a well-lubed journey...

Inside Dick Cheney

These days nearly all non-fiction books have subtitles, the explanatory stuff set off by a colon from the main title.

The first riveting sentence of Horrigan's report from inside Dick Cheney, and he's already made a colon reference. Leave the comedy to us, Kevin!

The end.

Godwin's Law

2007-08-03T22:20:00.000-07:00

I won't take the time to go over all of this ridiculous article from the Monroe County Clarion; however, reading it made me think of something I wanted to mention to anyone who has an opinion on any current event:

Adolf Hitler is sick of you mentioning his name. Knock it off. From the article I linked:

Hitler proved agreements with despots and terrorists have no meaning. He did not miss a beat after saying all the right things to the rest of the world. While he spoke of peace, his actions spoke the truth of his intentions all along.

God damnit. Listen, when historians say that you can learn from history, they don't mean "you can apply any historical event to any current event....just pick one of each!" In terms of evil old bastards, Adolf Hitler was the exception, not the rule. So quit being lazy fucks, make your lame analogies using another dictator. There are plenty to choose from.

How can you not sense the same thing with Iran's madman president? Czechoslovakians learned Hitler's true intentions soon after the Munich debacle. After our retreat, Iraq would recognize an even worse fate.

Really, they would? Someone tell Robert Gates - Kevin Hardin of the Monroe County Clarion has all the answers.

Anyway, the Daily Grego staff will keep its eyes peeled for more examples of this type of journalistic laziness. I can't believe I just did a "hey...lay off of Hitler" post.

OPINIONS

2007-08-01T02:15:00.000-07:00

Kevin Horrigan writes for the Post-Dispatch. Judging by this picture, he means business. He may also be the long lost twin of Newt Gingrich. In light of the Michael Vick saga that hasn't been getting enough press lately, I figured I'd do a run through of Kevin's take on the issue, which is aptly titled "DOGS." Let's play a game - I'll name an event from the recent past, and a Kevin Horrigan-inspired headline to go with it:

September 11th - "BUILDINGS"
O.J. Simpson trial - "COURTROOMS"
Man on the fucking moon - "MOON"
Iran-Contra - "WEAPONS"

See how this doesn't work, Kevin? Let's hit it.

Ken Smith called me up. He said, "Have you read been reading about this guy Michael Vick?"

This blogger "has read been reading about Michael Vick."

Typical answer to Ken's question: "Yep. Pretty awful." Ridiculous sounding, made up answer, courtesy of Kevin Horrigan:

Who hasn't? I said. The quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the marquee players in the National Football League, has been indicted by a federal grand jury for taking part in a dogfighting ring in Virginia. Gruesome details. Folks are appalled. "Ookie," Vick's nickname in dogfighting circles, may never play again.

Thanks for letting us know who Michael Vick is. Since you didn't use quotes, I'll just assume that this is exactly what you said to Ken Smith. "Folks are appalled" - as we'll find out, Kevin Horrigan = appalled by just about everything.

"I've been thinking," Ken Smith said. "Why do you suppose people are all upset about dogfighting, when boxing is still OK?"

Intelligent answer: "Well, Kenwood, boxing has sanctioning bodies and state licensure procedures that require fighters to pass physical exams and stuff. There are also doctors in the corners and referees that stop the fights before things get out of hand. And, unlike dogfighting, boxers aren't allowed to tear each other's throats out. Boxers also tend to be humans, and not dogs, while fighting dogs tend to be dogs, and not humans, so we're really being stupid if we're comparing the two."

I'm no brain surgeon, but Kenneth Rupert Smith Jr., is. He's the director of the division of neurosurgery at St. Louis University Medical School. At 74, he no longer does surgery, but back when he did, he found himself operating from time to time on the brains of boxers injured in the ring.

Nobody, and I mean nobody thought that Kevin Horrigan was a brain surgeon. I bet Kenneth also found himself operating "from time to time" on the brains of people who aren't boxers, too. Like, construction workers who fall and hit their heads.

Dr. Smith approaches the human brain with a kind of reverence. That the city, state and country sanctions a sport in which the object is to inflict punishment on the human brain makes him angry. In the 1980s, he was among the leaders in the American Medical Association's call for the sport to be banned.

Wait...Mike Vick is a boxer?

It hasn't been, and statistics say that an average of about 10 boxers each year die of brain injury, about the same number who die playing football and way fewer than those who die skydiving or mountain climbing.

Per Wikipedia:

Fatality rates per 100,000 participants

Horse racing: 128
Sky diving: 123
Hang gliding: 56
Mountaineering: 51
Scuba Diving: 11
Motorcycle racing: 7
College Football: 3
Boxing: 1.3

What was that about mountain climbing and skydiving, again?

There aren't any statistics on the number of former boxers with permanent brain injury, but Muhammad Ali is a notable poster child for that reality.

No one is sure about what caused his Parkinson's. In the documentary When We Were Kings, Ali was asked if he had any regrets about being a boxer. He said that if he never boxed, he'd still be a painter in Louisville. Even if boxing is the cause of his condition, I doubt he'd change a thing. Is that OK with you?

If Ali is a poster child for anything, it's for being like one of the top 3 famous human beings of all time, being an awesome boxer, and for saying "fuck you" to the Vietnam War. And for contributing a lot of time and money to Parkinson's research - not for being a sick old man.

All this being the case, why are people holding demonstrations against Michael Vick, threatening to boycott the NFL's sponsors if he's allowed to play and generally expressing all sorts of outrage?

Because he was a pretty big dickhead to lead a dogfighting ring?

Why is dogfighting banned in 48 states and boxing in none?

Why aren't really stupid columns banned from being printed in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch? The effect on my brain is equal to that of being punched in the head. You know what? Boxing is dangerous, like most other sports. Hell, everything is dangerous. Ban everything! Ban the internet! Lots of people die in home accidents. Ban...walking through your house!

Well, the argument goes, human beings choose to fight and dogs don't, although there is wiggle room in both species.

What the fuck are you talking about? Wiggle room? There is not an argument here, dipshit. You know why? Because boxing and dogfighting are completely unrelated.

Wiggle room?

A lot of fighters take up the sport because it offers them chances they can't get elsewhere: fame, fortune, a way out of poverty. On one hand, there is a life spent in a ghetto or a trailer park. On the other hand, there is the pain and suffering of fighting and possibly death or permanent injury (although nobody thinks it will happen to him). Is that really much of choice?

Way to generalize every professional boxer in the world. I don't think people are forced to box - you have to want to do it, or else, you're not going to make any money. Mike Tyson, for example, went bankrupt toward the end of his career. He fought a few times to alleviate his situation, but he really didn't want to train or anything. In turn, he got his ass kicked, and retired. Still bankrupt.

On the dogs' part, there is some question about choice, too. Dogfighters say their pit bulls are bred to the action and crave it.

Wait, so boxers don't have a choice, and are forced to fight. Dogs are trained to fight, and want to. What the hell are you talking about? This is wiggle room?

Then there is Carl Herkstroeter, president of the Georgia-based American Temperament Test Society, which put 25,000 dogs through a 10-part drill to test stability, shyness, aggressiveness and friendliness in the company of people. Malcolm Gladwell reported on the findings in The New Yorker last year:

Data alert!

"Eighty-four per cent of the pit bulls that have been given the test have passed, which ranks pit bulls ahead of beagles, Airedales, bearded collies and all but one variety of dachshund."

So Michael Vick, an alleged dogfighter, took otherwise gentle, kind, and obedient dogs, trained them to be vicious. What's your point?

Thus, properly bred and trained, a pit bull is less likely to bite you than most wiener dogs. Go figure.

Oh, so your point was that you held the idiot's assumption that pit bulls are killing machines. This qualifies you to write an article about this issue.

The indictments against Vick and his associates in something called Bad Newz Kennels charge that they bought, bred and trained dogs at a farm Vick owns in southeast Virginia; that they traveled across state lines to enter and watch dog fights; that purses as high as $26,000 were bet on the animals, and that some members of Vick's crew executed animals that didn't perform well in the ring. Dogs were electrocuted, hanged and shot, the indictment charges. On Thursday, Vick pleaded not guilty.

Kevin, you were wondering why dogfighting is illegal. I think the executions, electrocutions, and hangings cover it. See, you didn't even have to write this!

Up until what happens after the fight, this sounds a lot like what professional boxing managers do, although there's a lot more money bet on the human fighters.

See, this is precisely why boxing is not illegal. No hanging, electrocuting, shooting, etc. Is that hard for you to reconcile?

The rationales offered for boxing and dogfighting sound remarkably similar: Combat is part of human (or canine) nature, and this is competition in its purest form.

I don't think anyone thinks boxing is "competition in its purest form." I mean, they wear gloves, they can't kick, bite, tackle, or gouge. It's a sport. It's purer than, say, golf. But still. The intent isn't to kill.

Why is it OK for Vick to be shredded between two 300-pound defensive ends, and not OK for one of Vick's dogs to go up against a single opponent?

Because Vick wears pads, and defensive tackles don't usually bite at his throat? Kevin, you really seem like a weird piece of shit. "But the dogs fight a single opponent. What's wrong with a little dog-on-dog action? Vick's out there, in pads and a helmet mind you, being shredded by 300-pound men. Granted, he gets up most of the time, and won't face a firing squad for not scoring a touchdown, and he has doctors to tend to all his bruises, but still."

In the end, the answer seems to be that a lot of people like dogs a lot more than they do people. When you watch the crowd at a boxing match, it's hard to blame them.

I've watched a lot of boxing, and the crowds seem pretty much like any other sports crowd. They cheer when something cool happens, and sit pretty quietly when the action is slow.

And let's say you have a kid. He is athletic, strong, and motivated. He takes up an interest in boxing, and you go along with it, because it's what he wants to do. Your other kid takes up an interest in dogfighting, because your dog Randy is really big. When you say no to Randy entering the Dogzalicious tournament, does that mean you care more about him than your boxing kid?

Or, Kevin, did you not think about any of this before writing your column? After all, you probably got to choose what to write about. You had wiggle room, dude!

Neon peon

2007-07-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

You've probably already heard by now that Deion Sanders wrote a freelance newspaper column about Mike Vick's dogfighting ring. It was sort of controversial in that it came pretty close to defending Vick -- not just like "let's wait and see if he's guilty or not," but more like "look, dogfighting can be very satisfying and exciting" -- and talk radio had a heyday with it. Sanders' "real" boss, NFL Networks, read the column and immediately commanded the paper (the Fort Myers News-Press) to can it -- claiming exclusive rights to Neon's "image and opinions" but probably secretly wishing they could take one without the other.

The sports editor at the News-Press was disappointed he had to "spike" Deion's column -- ha, a pun! -- claiming "it was his best work since he started writing his column in January."

In fact, the editor had tons of great things to say about Deion Sanders, journalist.

No, he’s not the most polished writer. And he hasn’t always been an angel. And he does live in Texas.

I can forgive a columnist for not being a good writer. But living in TEXAS????

What I can say is what he’s been like to deal with since I’ve met him.

He’s easy to talk to. He always has his column in on time. He never cusses, and he cares about his hometown.

Seriously, what do these weird comments have to do with anything? OK, he lives in Texas and I guess that would affect his ability to be a " local" columnist in Fort Myers... but is that really most people's beef with Prime Time writing in the newspaper? Also... he never cusses. When the News-Press let Darryl Strawberry write a guest column for seven weeks, each submission was vulgarity-ridden and scrawled in crayon. But he did care about his hometown.

Anyhoo, on to the column! Before it gets completely removed from the Web, let's look at a couple excerpts. I don't plan on dedicating a ton of media criticism toward Deion Fucking Sanders.

What a dog means to Vick might be a lot different than what he means to you or I. Hold on, don't start shaking your head just yet. Listen to me.

Some people kiss their dogs on the mouth. Some people let their dogs eat from their plate. Some people dress their dogs in suits more expensive than mine, if you can believe that.

Some people choke out their dogs when they lose a fight and bury them in a hole full of other dead dogs.

And some people enjoy proving they have the biggest, toughest dog on the street. You're probably not going to believe this, but I bet Vick loves the dogs that were the biggest and the baddest. Maybe, he identified with them in some way.

This is crazy. Dogfighting is illegal.

I believe Vick had a passion for dogfighting. I know many athletes who share his passion. The allure is the intensity and the challenge of a dog fighting to the death. It's like ultimate fighting, but the dog doesn't tap out when he knows he can't win.

Oh... lovely. Thanks for putting such an uplifting twist to this violent criminal enterprise that "many athletes" apparently pursue with such passion. Remember, Fort Myers News-Press editor Ed Reed said this is the best column Deion Sanders has ever written.

It reminds me of when I wore a lot of jewelry back in the day because I always wanted to have the biggest chain or the biggest, baddest car. It gives you status.

Next on SportsCenter's Who's Now: Are Mike Vick's 97 pit bull carcasses more "now" than Shaq's rings? Stay tuned!

We're attacking this dogfighting ring the same way a teenager attacks his MySpace page after school (by the way parents, make sure you monitor your kids). We should have the same passion for man that we have for man's best friend.

I know this is Deion Sanders. I keep telling myself that. But... what?! MySpace?

Really, just read the column for a better sense of how Deion sort of rambles, talks about the passion of dogfighting, loses his train of thought, goes back to defending Vick and ends up with THE BEST COLUMN EVER WRITTEN!

The reason this is turning into a three-ring circus is that baseball is boring, basketball is months away, football is around the corner and we in the media don't have a thing interesting to write about.

Maybe if we invent an arena baseball league, with short fences, bat-wielding tacklers and completely nude cheerleaders, we (in the media, of course) won't have to totally freak out when a guy kills a few dogs for sport.

How will this end up? I have no idea. All I know is Falcons fans better pray because Vick's backup is Joey Harrington. Enough said.

And so concludes the best column ever written in the Hall of Fame career of Deion Sanders. Rick Hummel, eat your heart out.

Just when you thought we weren't paying attention

2007-07-24T23:09:00.000-07:00

We've been loading up on St. Louis media lately... and can you blame us? It's riveting stuff.

Still, broader horizons beckon. And in an e-mail subject-titled "rather than stltoday," reader Daniel G. opens our eyes to the sunset:

here's a column from today's sun-sentinel, which reaches 650k people in south florida every weekday, and 950k on sundays... tell me that this smear job of misinformation and misdirection isn't actually written in a major american newspaper.

Unfortunately, Daniel, for all of us... it is.

So. This Javier Oberti feller picks apart anorexic Hollywood starlet Michael Moore's latest film, Sicko, and the evil socialist plots Moore has hatched during top-secret lobbying sessions with the leaders of the free world. One snippet:

It is remarkable how Moore has chosen to not identify presidential candidates he supports. Every time Moore spoke about them with Wolf Blitzer during a CNN interview, the host had to identify who he was referring to. Moore wants us to believe they are the saviors who will lead our nation into the fields of dreams and happiness socialism promises, without disclosing how the freedoms of expression, of the market and yes, of the people will be extinguished.

I remember not too long ago down there in Florida (June 20, to be exact) when a U.S. Representative (Jeff Miller, R-Chumuckla) decided to publicly endorse Fred Thompson... before Thompson even entered the presidential race.

The reaction from most people was something like... #$!&@* the heck?

Exactly.

My point is, whomever Michael Moore endorses in an election that falls 16 months from now shouldn't matter all that much. It should matter less when the forum at hand is this man's "Situation Room," which is so poor, and so black, and so notorious for upholding the network's oft-wacky definition of breaking news.

I'm no scholar, and I haven't seen Sicko, but I do appreciate some of Moore's work and I must say: I have never felt I was being led blindfolded into a field of socialist happiness to be suddenly flogged, raped and deprived of my right to a free market. But... maybe I've been implanted with Michael Moore's anal socialism chip.

Anyway, Javier goes on about socialism for a while before he finally gets to the single biggest, dirtiest issue that causes every other big, dirty issue our country faces:

Mexicans.

Our government could begin by stopping millions of illegal aliens from crossing our borders to give birth in our emergency rooms

Millions of illegal aliens are sneaking in and giving birth... in emergency rooms?

and receive truly free health care when they are sick. That would be a great start for the improvement our imperfect yet still medically efficient system needs.

"Medically efficient" reminds me of "magically delicious," for some reason. And I think it's ironic that someone named Javier Oberti is hell-bent on stopping illegal immigration. I mean, not to make any assumptions or cast any aspersions; I don't mean to suggest that anyone with a funny name is a far'ner. But... Javier... seriously.

Fuck the heck?

A happy day in the news

2007-07-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

A quick look at the headlines on the front page of STLtoday.com:

Fire damages old Collinsville high school
Rally's clerk in surgery after shooting
Ill. cops stop minority drivers more often
Granite City woman killed in crash
Line drive kills minor league coach
3 car bombs kill 12, injure 19 in Iraq
Astronauts toss space station's junk
Taliban threatens to kill 23
Last king of Afghanistan dies at 92
Tiny body parts found in India

Everyone, have a great week!

That's what she said?

2007-07-23T07:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I think journalists do this on purpose:

Astronauts tossing station's space junk

A wad of the station's "debris" will land on the face of the North American continent at 2100 hours. Close your eyes!

Hey there, old man. I've seen your daughter naked!

2007-07-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

Charles Mosley, who writes columns for the West County Journal, has been on my radar for a while. This week's column finally put him over the edge. Apparently, Charles is protective of his daughters. So yeah, this column is full of original thought!

My firstborn daughter is beautiful, but you don't care about that.

Let me interrupt - how old is your firstborn daughter?

My second-born daughter is beautiful, too, but you don't care about her, either.

Wait, wait. Question: How old is your second-born daughter? Also, she doesn't look like you...right?

The reason you don't care is they are not your daughters.

No, that's precisely why I do care, you silly old man.

Ah, but you would care very much if you were a young lad vying for their affections. This is the situation we're dealing with at the Mosley Estate in Manchester.

Shit, how old are they? They live with you? Or are they home visiting from the Peace Corps or something? Fill me in, dude!

Emily the Younger still thinks boys are creeps, a position I share wholeheartedly.

Shit. Wait, she's the younger one? How much older is the older one, _______ the elder?

But Katy the Elder looks upon boys more favorably. And likewise, they seem to hold her in high regard.

Seriously, "the Elder?" You're talking about your daughters here, not Holy Roman princesses.

Kate no longer looks like a little girl. She is evolving into a very pretty young lady.

We get it. Your daughter is pretty. And she's evolving.

This is not good.

So you want her to look like you.

She has captured the attention of several young fellows, and she seems to like one of them.

At least she doesn't like some creepy older guy who oogles teenage girls.

This is not good, either. In fact, it's bad.

Do you want us to help you? We here at the Daily Grego love community service. Not like, you know. How old did you say she is again?

I know what teenage boys think about every 3.5 seconds. When they become middle-aged men, they only think about it every 5.3 seconds.

Tilling the garden with your daughter, Katy the Elder?

So excuse the heck out of me if I have trouble warming up to some whippersnapper who thinks my daughter is a babe.

When I was a teenager, I knew people who had their significant others over to watch movies with the family. It was a good old time, with everyone handing around a napkin for their microwave popcorn fingers, packed onto a single couch like a can of sardines. Then, the parents would leave for the weekend, and the kid and his/her SO would have sex in the master bedroom - the parents' bed. That's what happens when you "warm up." You think they like you, but as soon as you turn your back, bam! So, don't bother. You're cool, Charles. You're cool.

This is my Katy, my kid, the one I drove to and from preschool; the one I stood next to at the bus stop each day when she attended elementary school; the one who became my pint-sized fishing buddy.

Yeah yeah. Now, how long ago was this?

I decided to formally introduce myself to the chap who is interested in Kate. You know, try to get to know him a little bit. I informed Kate of my plans.

I don't get this - a formal introduction? Did you rent a tux or something?

"Dad, please don't," she said. "You'll embarrass me."

"Seriously, dad. You want Dylan to wear a matching tux?"

Embarrass her? I would challenge anyone to cite an example of when I've been an embarrassment.

Mosley, Charles. "Journalistic Reflections: Hey there, kid. I'm Katy's dad." West County Journal, 17 July 2007, A5.

Well, there WAS that unfortunate incident at a cantina in Matamoros. And yes, it's true one should never shoot bottle-rockets at night at the Missouri Governor's Mansion.

Or that time you decided to start writing articles for the West County Journal.

Anyway, I told Kate a formal introduction is considered polite. Proper etiquette demands it. I had no intention of embarrassing her in front of her young friend. She eyed me suspiciously and asked what I intended to say. So, I told her:

My money is on Charles saying something humorous, and somewhat threatening.

"Hello, young man. I'm Charles Mosley. I'm Katy's dad. Be nice to my daughter or I'll break your legs."

I was right about "somewhat threatening," but I didn't expect Charles Mosley to include his e-mail address in his introduction. That alone would be enough to scare the kid off.

She looked horrified. I don't know why. My friend Mike thought it was a fine idea. Mike even offered a helpful suggestion.

I'm calling it - Mike's going to say something about a blunt object.

"When you're telling him this, hold a wrench in your right hand and tap it a few times into the palm of your left hand," Mike said.

Hahahahaha, Charles Mosley's friend Mike is off da hook!

I haven't told Kate about Mike's suggestion, because she's out of town with her mom and sister. I'm home alone and bored.

You have so much time on your hands - an empty house - and this is the best you could come up with?

I think I'll take a little drive. It might be an opportune time to formally introduce myself to a young man.

NEXT, ON TO CATCH A PREDATOR.

Now, where in the heck did I put that wrench?

Ladies and gentlemen, Charles "I'm gonna put a whoopin' on that boy" Mosley.

This guy could be boinking Anne T. Garcia

2007-07-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

Noticeably absent from the DG the past couple weeks is the lovable Anne T. Garcia. She's probably laying on a North Carolinian beach, sipping on a goat blood cocktail, wearing a swim skirt. Mmm. Boner. Anyway, Joe Leicht is picking up the slack over at the Monroe County Clarion. This week, Joseph writes about Live Earth.

In case you missed it, there was a multi-continent, multi-media bash of Hollywood's finest the weekend of July 7.

I saw some of it! The Beastie Boys performed. They are synonymous with Hollywood. Or Brooklyn. Same thing!

Madonna was there. Bon Jovi was there. Newly bald Phil Collins-why the heck didn't he shave off that straggly comb-over years ago?-was there.

Bon Jovi is from New Jersey. Phil Collins is British. The Hollywood elite.

Even some of the music industry's temperamental groups who too often shatter our very existence by announcing a break up-in this case, the Black-eyed Peas and The Police-deemed this shindig important enough to reunite for.

I don't think the Black Eyed Peas ever broke up. Did they? And the police are embarking on a huge world tour. I think they reunited to do this. Not necessarily for Live Earth.

And of course, the Alec Baldwin/Rosie O'Donnell/George Clooney/Angelina Jolie troup of perpetually outraged actors dropped in to grace the proceedings.

"Troup"....?????

They gathered in New Jersey, Rio De Janeiro, London, Tokyo and a few other glitzy venues for a simultaneous eruption of music and moralism called Live Earth.

I've never been to New Jersey, but sources tell me it's not what you'd call "glitzy."

"THE GLITZ. THE GLAMMA. JERSEY!"

Live Earth was also in glitzy China. Here's their Hollywood-ridden set list:

Evonne Hsu
Anthony Wong
Soler
Huang Xiao Ming
12 Girls Band
Joey Yung

You get the point. They aren't Hollywood, but they're so fucking Shanghai.

Live Earth's purpose was to pump awareness of the "danger of global warming." It was coordinated through Save Our Selves, a not-for-profit environmentalist group headed by Al Gore.

Ah yes, the "danger" of "global warming." When I was little, I went hunting with my grandpa. He showed me the "danger" of "shooting myself in the head." Joseph, I'd say Live Earth did a pretty good job of raising awareness. It got your attention, right?

(You remember Al. He was number-two man in a White House that boasted of peace and prosperity, but still couldn't defeat stumblin', bumblin' George W. Bush seven Novembers ago. At least he did win the popular vote, just ask him.)

Yeah, that boastful Clinton Administration. They hung banners all over the White House - "Peace and Prosperity Accomplished!" - while dressed up like Gandhi.

SOS's stated goal is to provide "a continuous call to action to prompt individuals, corporations and governments around the world to "Answer the Call (regarding global climate changes) with immediate and sustained action."

Douche bags.

I recall a few decades ago, Kermit the Frog of Sesame Street fame crooned "it's not easy being green." Not to offend Muppet fans, but I must dissent.

You're offending me, but not because I'm a Muppet fan.

It is very easy being green, if that means having a soft heart (head?) and strident voice on the issue of global warming.

Those things are probably the least you could do. It doesn't make you...green? I don't know. Why aren't you "green?" Is it because you're an asshole who thinks global warming is made up?

Please note. I don't dismiss the merit in sparing the environment from unnecessary, manmade abuse whenever practical or observing good stewardship of the land and its waters.

It's "man-made." You're such a good guy, though. Everyone I know tries to hurt the environment - get this - on purpose.

Rather, I illuminate the pseudo-morality of the Green Left.

Oh my god, the spotlight is shining on the Green Left! Look at them! Like a deer in headlights! Trying to hide their marijuana and oh my god, look! They're all having butt sex and hating the military! And killing babies!

The human condition is such that we all need to recognize something as evil and to militate against it. Hollywood once did a fine job serving as American culture's moral compass. Catch a sitcom or drama from the first 20 years of network television or an old Frank Capra film on cable and you'll see what I mean.

Ah yes, the moral compass of the 1950s, when racial segregation was legal. Those were the good old days. I'd love to see TV couples sleeping in separate twin sized beds. That's where our moral compass should be. No fucking. Never mind that people had just as much premarital sex in the 50s as they do today. Anyway, Joseph, you're a lazy idiot if you think it's Hollywood's job to serve as America's moral compass. Isn't that what parents are for?

The entertainment industry always pointed its moral compass needle directly at us. Movies, TV shows and songs asked us if we were honest in our business dealings, faithful to our spouses, kind to the down-and-out and respectful to God Almighty.

That makes for some riveting entertainment. Have you heard of that new show, "Hoppity Skippity Dooodly Bop?" Little kids run around, being nice to one another. Their parents go to work everyday. They never run into any problems. They never make mistakes. They go to church on Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays. Just like how America was during the first 20 years of network television! Ohhhh 1950-1969. How I long for thee.

Post-1980 Hollywood strokes our wrists for our individual moral failures while waggling a disapproving finger at social classes, industries and institutions.

I cheated on my girlfriend once - an individual moral failure - and Jessica Biel stroked my wrist for it. It was fucking awesome.

Here's an idea: Hollywood doesn't care about individual moral failures. That's the business of, you know, the individual. When industries are pumping greenhouse gases into the environment, hurting everyone, celebrities speak up because people listen to them. It raises, you know, awareness. It's not perfect, but fuck, it could be worse, right?

Simply put, it's easy for Lenny Kravitz et al to point to corporate America-a profiteering oligarchy though it may be-and say "The polar ice caps are melting, and you are to blame for it!" while ignoring if not encouraging the profligate lifestyles that are also weighing the scales against our future.

When the world ends, the only dude we'll have to blame is Lenny Kravitz. Let's do a sports analogy. Saying "Lenny Kravitz et al" when referring to the celebrity world is like saying "Dickey Simpkins and Co." when referring to the 90s Bulls. I mean, is Lenny Kravitz really even famous?

And, according to Joseph, little individual moral thingies (like a woman wearing a short skirt) is worse for humanity than global warming.

But honestly. Who really believes Madonna will buy toilet paper that may be a bit rougher on her tushie than the leading brand to forestall global warming? Or Sting will screw in environmentally friendly light bulbs at his multi-million dollar pad to keep the polar bears chilled and content? Please.

Does anyone think this guy is missing the point, just a little? And who says "tushie?" Say it, dude. Madonna's asshole. Yes!

Granted, we are more likely to see Shakira pedaling her bike to work or the Pussycat Dolls picking up hamburger wrappers on a McDonald's parking lot than we are to see them participating in a global performance series to raise awareness of abstinence education or endangered Second Amendment rights.

I do think we should raise awareness of abstinence education - you know, that it doesn't work. Though, I do believe Joseph has tapped into a great idea - we should use our rifles and shotguns to shoot at the CO2 molecules in the atmosphere. That'll show 'em.

Eric Karros assumes, leads to poor assumption

2007-07-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

The Cardinals are on national TV today! 1992 NL Rookie of the Year Eric Karros is the color man for this afternoon's game. When Cardinals short person and perennial grit grinder Aaron Miles came to the plate in the second, Karros provided this analysis:

"Miles is a guy who's going to give you a good at-bat. Lots of singles, walks."

Uh, Eric....walks?

Aaron Miles career PA = 1634
Aaron Miles career BB = 89

He walks 5.4% of the time. That's in Jeff Francoeur's territory, whom I've dubbed "the Greek God of golly, I'm swinging at that pitch!"

Oh, and earlier I think Karros said that Pat Burrell is too patient. Too fucking patient. Right now, Burrell's patience is like, the only thing he has going for him.

A quick check shows that Eric Karros walked roughly 7.7% of the time. That's also not very good.

That grand slam sucked. It killed our rally.

2007-07-13T19:25:00.000-07:00

I think I've reamed Cardinals announcer Al Hrabosky for this before, but anyway...

...a minute ago, with the Phillies leading 13-2 in the top of the ninth, Scott Spiezio came to bat with the bases loaded. Al Hrabosky had this to say:

"A grand slam here would be a rally killer."

Spiezio agreed, and took a walk. The Cardinals lost, 13-3.

Tim McCarver says weird things

2007-07-10T11:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight's MLB All-Star game was frustrating for Cardinals fans. The National League team lost, and our own Lord Albert Pujols was kept on the bench by his own manager.

I kept my TV muted most of the way through, and then I sat on my remote and voila, I got to hear Tim McCarver say this about Phillies outfielder Aaron Rowand:

"He broke a nose while making a great running catch last season in a game against the Mets."

"A" nose. Fortunately, it was not Rowand's throwing nose, and he was able to avoid having season-ending surgery.

What's going on? What's happening?

2007-07-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

Every once in a possum's year, someone bests us in the journalism-commentary department. I know, I know. It's hard to fathom. But it's true.

See this piece in America's Finest News Source and tell me the fictional "Jerry Schoepke" isn't modeled exclusively after one Gregonomous P. Orear. Yeah, it's an older clip, but it's every bit as true now as it was back in April 2002, the same year the KDE first appeared online.

On top of his weekly reporting duties, Schoepke writes a monthly column titled "What's Happening?" in which he comments on everything from local goings-on to national trends. Schoepke said the column is his favorite part of the job.

"What's Happening? is the part of the paper where I can get a little crazy," Schoepke said. "It gives me a chance to get anything and everything off my chest."

It's uncanny!

"What's Going On" was Grego's favorite, too, until a small team of bloggers started pestering him about "mistakes" and "inaccuracies" by posting comments on his Web site, most of which he deleted and kept secret. Jerry Schoepke is one of the lucky ones.

"The Gazette needs to keep pushing the envelope to remain relevant in today's media environment," Schoepke said. "So far, I think we're doing a pretty good job. You'd be surprised how often someone says to me, 'Hey, Jerry, I saw that article you wrote in the paper.' It's at least a few times a year. That's a good feeling."

No, this is a good feeling. For the first time in the DG's long, illustrious life, we don't feel so... alone.

:)

Don't cry for me, Kirby Puckett

2007-07-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

ESPN.com has message boards. Sometimes, I browse through them to remind myself of how damned intelligent I am compared to the average sports fan. Yesterday, while sipping on a delicious wheat beer, I stumbled across this thread.

Here's the premise - a dude starts a topic, saying that if Jim Edmonds isn't worthy of being in the Hall of Fame, then neither is Kirby Puckett. Basically, Edmonds is better than Puckett. This is true. He was better. Edmonds is like, the most underrated player of the past decade or more. Puckett was excellent, but Edmonds was better. Have I said that enough? Let's review:

Jim Edmonds > Kirby Puckett

The idiots over at ESPN.com disagree. Let's see their arguments.

DaBizzle says:

Big Deal Edmonds had 2 Good seasons in one of the biggest offensive eras in the history of baseball

2 good seasons? Horse shit. Jimmy's OPS+ from 2000-2005 (which takes into account how "big" the offensive eras are):

148, 150, 163, 161, 172, 136

Wow. That looks like...5 great seasons, and one very, very good season. DaBizzle has be debunked.

sayheykid_1 says: Again, Kirby played in a different offensive era, Edmonds put up theose numbers after he turned 30 and after MLB had the offensive explosion.

That's why we have statistics to account for differences in offensive eras. Jim Edmonds is a better hitter, no matter what.

julferts69 says: With all those HR's Edmond hit, you would think he would have more than 7 career RBI in 3 more seasons than Kirby.

Kirby Puckett had 7244 at-bats in his career. Edmonds has 6100 so far. So, shouldn't Puckett have more RsBI, given that he's had over 1100 more opportunities to drive in runs? It's not a good state to judge individual players, anyway. But still.

gunnarthor says: He more often finished in the top 10 of MVP voting then not. He made 10 all star teams and retired with more gold gloves and silver sluggers then any other outfielder (and since passed by Griffey and Bonds).

This is why judging players by "Top 10 MVP finishes," Gold Gloves, and Silver Sluggers is stupid - doing so by the latter two would tell you that Kirby Puckett was better than Ken Griffey Jr. and Barry Bonds (absurd!). And, in this case, Jimmy Edmonds.

DaBizzle says:
And we come back to the era in which Edmonds plays.... Kirby was consistently one of the best hitters in the league during his career. I've never heard that about Edmonds, and you can only make an argument really in 2 of his years

OR LIKE 5 OF HIS YEARS, WHERE HE WAS FUCKING AWESOME. HISTORICALLY AWESOME. AND GOD DAMNIT, THERE ARE STATISTICS TO COMPARE PLAYERS FROM DIFFERENT ERAS. EDMONDS IS STILL BETTER.

Phew. Kirby Puckett only had 2 years in which his OPS+ exceeded 140. Jim Edmonds had 5 of these, and in 3 of them, his OPS+ was over 160.

El dood says: If you were to poll the GMs -- from both Puckett's era and today -- the vast majority of them would take Puck as their CF'er over Jimmy.

A recent poll of general managers asked "If you had to choose one player to start a franchise with, who would it be? "

One GM selected Yadier Molina. Another, 8932 year old Takashi Saito. This is not a good litmus test.

Hossdriver says: Jim had more power, but Kirby struck out just over half as many times as Edmonds did, meaning he probably made more productive outs.

Jim has also walked 898 times in his career, compared to Puckett's 450...meaning that Jim had more productive plate appearances. Not probably. But definitely. Strikeouts, by the way, are outs...and usually a good indicator of isolated power. But since you look foolish striking out, it's held against players who do it a lot (even if they're still really fucking awesome).

ABs for the two are nearly identical with Kirby doing it in 3 less seasons

This is not true. 7300 and 6100 are not "nearly identical."

.156 in the WS for Edmonds is pretty lame...

In 32 at-bats. Given the small sample size, this is meaningless.

And oh my god, it gets really good here:

ThatsTheDagger says:

I'll end this argument with one name.

Sandy Koufax.

I just spit my delicious wheat beer all over my screen! Anyway, I predict this will make your side's argument weaker.

Koufax dominated his era for 6 years. Kirby Puckett, along with Junior, were basically considered the two best outfielders in the game for a stretch of 5 or 6 years, and Puckett was at or near the top for 10 of his 12 years. Dominating for a medium length is more important than being above average for a long period of time.

"Dominating for a medium length is more important than being above average for a long period of time." ?????????????????

That's exactly what Jim Edmonds did! He actually dominated. More than Kirby Puckett. With the bat, and in the field (check out their FRAA numbers). Wait, what the hell did that have to do with Sandy Koufax?

I would say that not even Edmonds would put himself in Puckett's class, but Jimmy Boy has the reputation as a jerk and the kind of guy that loves himself a little too much.

Jim Edmonds has the reputation of a really awesome baseball player who is really helpful to the younger guys in the clubhouse. You know, like a "veteran mentor." Not that it matters nearly as much as you think it should.

I'm not going to argue that Koufax in his prime was more dominating that Puckett in his, but in reality... they aren't that far apart.

You're a fucking stupid human being.

And then, someone suggests that "ThatsTheDagger" should read up on EqA, WARP, FRAR, FRAA, and so on (since Jim has better numbers for each), and the dude says this:

EqA is derived from Raw EqA, which is (H + TB + 1.5*(BB + HBP + SB) + SH + SF) divided by (AB + BB + HBP + SH + SF + CS + SB). REqA is then normalized to account for league difficulty and scale to create EqA.

Are you kidding me?? There is no way to know if that formula would rank players accurately. The more complicated the inputs of any function get, the more error and dillution there will be in the outputs. These stats try to get way too complex to answer questions that are obvious to the human eye.

Ah yes, the human eye. I remember when I was a little kid, Mark Whiten hit 4 home runs in a game for the Cardinals. My human eye would tell me that Mark Whiten was the best player in the history of the game. Actually, he kind of sucked. Statistics back me up on this.

Kirby Puckett was a better player than Jim Edmonds. Edmonds had his moments where he was a very good hitter, Puckett was a great hitter his entire career.

By "moments," I'm sure you mean "5 year stretches where he was one of the best centerfielders of all time. Much better than the very good Kirby Puckett."

Kirby's stats are not diminished by seasons of batting .250 or striking out as much as 167 times, his numbers are lifted by his amazing consistency and absolutely clutch World Series moments.

The year Jim Edmonds struck out 167 times, he had an OBP of .411 and an OPS+ of 148. Kirby only topped the latter once, and never came within 30 points of the former. Jim hit .250 in 1999, when he was so injured that he could only play in 55 games. This doesn't really hurt his career marks.

Let's brainstorm some players who have had "absolutely clutch World Series moments" and see if we want them in the HOF:

Joe Carter - no

Tino Martinez - no

Luis Gonzalez - no

Willie McGee - no

Jim Leyritz - no

See?

Here's some more from other posters:

when you think of great baseball players in the 90's, kirby puckett is probably one of the top 5 names that first comes out of your mouth.

Not exactly true, but still, this makes him better than Edmonds? Ah, the "quick, name 5 dudes off the top of your head" litmus test rating. Puckett rings in with a 44.9, and Jim's is a paltry 31.7. I see now.

Back to "ThatsTheDagger."

Albert Belle gets thrown into this discussion, because he, like Puckett, had his career cut short by injury. Here's what our boy Dagger has to say:

Puckett and Belle are different in one glaring area. Even if Puckett wasn't the greatest guy off the field, when he was at the park, playing the game, or doing anything associated with baseball, he did it with class and just exuberated joy. He was player and fan friendly and was a straight up winner. Belle was an a-hole off the field and made no effort to change that perception on the field.

I kind of liked Belle. He was a great player and fun to watch. I don't care if he's an asshole. That's Fernando Vina's problem. Still, are you saying this has anything to do with Hall worthiness?

Puckett's personal problems are just that, personal. If Albert Belle had a stroke today and was dying in the hospital, do you think players from all over the country would fly to his hospital to visit him. Doubt it. Do you think kids and young adults across the country (including myself) would get choked up hearing that he died and watching some of the memorial videos and tributes? Doubt it. Do you think the Indians would host a memorial service that attracted 40,000 fans in person? Doubt it.

This is the stupidest thing anyone has ever said, and really insulting to the family of Albert Belle - who by the way had a 192 OPS+ in 1994 with a .714 SLG% (!!!). That offsets any "chemistry issues" caused by Belle being any sort of a prick.

Edmonds is a lot closer to Belle than Puckett in this regard. Kirby had that affect on the game, to say that it did not play into his Hall of Fame induction is obviously wrong. But to say that those things should not have an affect of his induction is just idiotic.

Jim's career SIICOD (Sadness induced in case of death) rating: 65.4

Kirby's: 127.3 (third all time! whoa!)

Albert Belle's: 18.2 (gah!)

And that's it. The debate came to a screeching halt at this point, probably because everyone is taking some time to mourn the death of....wait, no. Uncontrollable laughter.

(By the way, remember that this is the impact that bad journalists and other bad deliverers of information have on the world. The Gregos, Joe Morgans, Bill Plaschkes, Anne Garcias, etc. They're making lots of people stupid.)

Tony La Russa must still be drinking...

2007-07-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

...because Freddy Sanchez made the NL All-Star team as a reserve. This is like, the stupidest thing ever. Compare Sanchez to Edgar Renteria or Hanley Ramirez. They were snubbed, no?

Don't get me started on Chris Young not making the team....

Freeeeeeedoooooommmm!

2007-06-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

Generally, people who spout off about how much they love freedom don't actually give a shit about freedom. Or, they misinterpret it. Joyce S., who writes to the Warrenton Journal, is a good example of this.

The United States of America!

Yay! America!

Though young in years compared to other nations, much wisdom was shown in its establishment.

I agree. Joyce, tell us how this is true!

Our founding fathers believed in the possibilities of a free nation of people who would elect their own leaders and have freedom of worship.

Yeah, something like that.

How fortunate we are that our founding fathers gave us these privileges. Our government is set up so that if we don't like those who are leading our nation, all we have to do is wait for the next election.

Eh, it's a little more complicated than that. After all, George Bush is still in office, and no one outside of culture expert Anne Garcia really likes him. But Joyce, your space is limited, so whatever.

We have the freedom to choose what we do with our lives, where we live and where we work.

Some people have more freedom than others. Differences in socioeconomic status, culture, and so on mean that freedom is not really inherent. Still, limited space!

But our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship God according to His will.

Clunk. That was the sound of Thomas Jefferson punching himself in the sack. Joyce, shouldn't that read "our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship whoever da fuck we want"???????????

Or, how about this - our most cherished freedom is the freedom to cherish our freedoms at varying degrees, as we want to cherish them. Cherish cherish cherish.

So this Fourth of July, let's stop and thank God for the freedoms we enjoy, and let's work hard in order to keep them.

Joyce - let's call you "J-Diddy" - you're free to thank God for these freedoms, but I'm just as free to thank Albert Pujols for them. That's freedom.

Are you there, God? It's me, Anne T. Garcia

2007-06-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

Presenting...

SEXTALK WITH ANNE!

Just kidding. You guys know Anne. Please bow your heads.

It seems like President George W. Bush hasn't been able to catch a break.

Ever feel like you're having one of those presidencies?

The war goes from bad to worse, his poll numbers plummet and now the immigration issue is dividing the Republican Party.

And Anne expects Bush to "catch a break" about any of these things?

1. No one is going to be catching any "breaks" about the Iraq war anytime soon, as if it were simply a mismanaged banana stand.

2. Poll numbers plummet when people don't like the things you do. How exactly would anyone "catch a break" there? Perhaps by doing different things?

3. One might say that any division caused by the immigration issue (or any issue within either party) is a good thing, if only because it means politicians aren't all toeing the party line. Shouldn't the Republican party be pretty fucking divided, all things considered? What "break" should we give George Bush to make him feel better?

The libs salivate over the prospect of taking back the presidency, while holding on the both houses of Congress. Their dream agenda in that longed for era includes retreat from Iraq, higher taxes to redistribute the wealth and socialized medicine, which by the way, has been a dismal failure in Europe.

Longed-for era. Higher taxes for rich people. Free health care. Sounds cool!

You know what's been a great success in Europe? David Hasselhoff.

Anne, though... seriously. I tire of this secular commentary. WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ALMIGHTY?

But buckle your seat belts you left wing aficionados, it's all about to change. It's summer of 2007 and God is blessing America as never before.

I imagine that part being read by the guy who does all the movie trailers.

Many Christians have been aware for years that President Bush has to be blessed by God. It is simply a Biblical principle. If you submit to God, if you are humble and if you seek His face and pray, you will be blessed.

I know our throngs of readers come here to read hilarious commentary, but let's be serious here for a second. Really. This paragraph is just something that can't be ignored. It frightens me. It contains something so unconstitutional and despotism-ridden, I shudder and... perhaps... yes, I actually convulse as I reread it.

You don't capitalize "his" in AP style. God!

(Oh, and being "blessed by God" is like something straight out of King George's diary.)

Faulty political advisers notwithstanding, President Bush has modeled his life before the world as a practicing Christian. He must therefore reap what he has sown.

Agreed. Reap, George, reap. (But somebody give him a break in the meantime!)

Religious lunacy, untruthfulness and faulty logic notwithstanding, Anne T. Garcia has modeled her life after that of a newspaper columnist.

In our Tuesday morning prayer group we have been praying for a "spiritual Midway" in America for months. The Battle of Midway was the turning point in the war in the Pacific during World War II.

Now that the Daily Grego has the day and time of Anne T. Garcia's weekly prayer group, we will be scouring her future columns tirelessly, searching for clues revealing the location.

And then we're going to show up dressed as Barbara Bush and Enid Strict.

We are praying that America will turn around now, not only in its war against terror, but also in its war against sin. Bill O'Reilly calls it a culture war, but it's actually a war against the power of hell itself.

You know it's getting deep when Bill O'Reilly won't even fucking say it.

O'Reilly Factor Producer: Bill, here are the talking points for today's segment. War against the power of hell itself, that kind of thing.

Bill O'Reilly: *skims materials*
...I can't say this horseshit! I'll look like a fanatic!

God's signature characteristic, His proof that He is God, is that He knows and tells the future. If you are at all plugged into Biblical prophecy, you know that we are in a watershed moment in history of the planet.

I like how God has a "signature characteristic," like he's a sofa designer or something. Also, how do I get "plugged in" to Biblical prophecy? Lately all I've been getting is sports highlights and porn.

In May 2006 I received a mailer from internationally renowned evangelist Benny Hinn. It was entitled "5 Things That Will Happen Before Jesus Christ Returns." They are: The restoration of Israel, Russia's rise, Europe becoming a super power, worldwide lawlessness and then history's greatest outpouring.

If you're at all plugged into the internationally renowned evangelist community, you know Benny Hinn is the David Letterman of Messiah-related signs.

If you read many of the nationally syndicated columnists who appear in newspapers across the country, you know all of them frequently cite bulk rate "mailers" as reliable sources.

Also... worldwide lawlessness? Compared to when?

The first four of those points are in play and have been well chronicled in this column and elsewhere. Watching the evening news gives us a clear sense that we are in "the beginning of sorrows"(Matthew 24:7&8). These birth pangs will ultimately usher in the return of the Lord.

Yes, yes. Watching the evening news 600 years ago, you would have gotten the sense that things were actually quite nice!

This is quite remarkable for me to read, to be honest. Seriously. People think suicide bombings, violent homicides and natural disasters are the "birth pangs" of Jesus II? Remind me to take cover when God starts having contractions.

We have now arrived at the time of the greatest outpouring of God's power in history. It is no accident that the invention of videotape, satellite TV, cell phones and Internet access preceded the great harvest at the end of the age. God is using these vehicles to reach every tribe, tongue, nation and people.

Yes, yes! Yes! God's work, performed through the magic of Nextel. Holy Motorazrs falling from the heavens into the hands of unruly aborigines in the most primitive, untamed crevasses of wild bush. Millions of otherwise hedonistic peons using the Internet each day, not to access pornography or blog irresponsibly, but to digest God's word.

The last, ultimate Biblical sign of Christ's second coming is, like, the iPhone?

Those who are plugged into what prophetic voices in the body of Christ are saying can see it coming. There is already a mighty move of God in the prison system. Young people are turning away from the hedonism of the previous generation. Why do you think the military continually exceeds its enlistment quotas, even during this violent war?

Oh, I don't know... maybe because every branch and twig of this nation's military funnels enormous resources toward recruiting kids? Anyone with half a brain knows this. And weren't those enlistment numbers down not too long ago, anyway?

I'll tell you what. A lot of young people are enlisting in the military for one of two main reasons:
1. God is coming
2. Recruiters tell them they'll get paid to blow stuff up and women will dig it

Take your pick.

There are spiritual changes going on right now in Monroe County. God is raising up Christians who will cause the light of God to shine into the hearts of lost people. Again it's important to keep your eye on the younger generation.

We older American are their support troops. We labor over them and with them in prayer.

In... the Knights of Columbus building on Sentinel Street? The VFW Auxiliary Post off Highway 91? Your wallpapered basement on Eucharist Drive? Please, just a hint!

As for the forces of darkness, their power is already receding as the Holy Spirit sweeps through America in revival. For those who hate America, this summer will be the summer of their discontent.

Aw. We can't seem to catch a break!

These guys probably won't be getting amnesty

2007-06-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

The Kirksville Daily Express is a newspaper in northeastern Missouri. Its editors do not take part in typical editor duties, such as editing. In this case, an odd headline made it to the press.

Burglary spree ends with arrest of Scotland residents

This is truly startling! Residents of the UK's Scotland, raiding homes, stealing jewelry, having their way with the safe combinations of unsuspecting Missourians! Nicknamed "the Red-Headed Stepson Bandits," the suspects are finally in custody. We can breathe easy. Oh, wait...

They were talking about Scotland County, MO. The names of the burglars: Randall Perkins and Crystal Jenkins. This is so fucking disappointing - in fact, it reeks of Grego.

This is what you want to see in your inbox

2007-06-26T22:35:00.001-07:00

I'm not the type of guy who e-mails news stories to my friends and family. I figure, if it's that interesting, they'll find out about it either way. Readers of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's website, STLtoday, apparently love keeping people up to date on the latest in St. Louis area news. Here are a few of yesterday's most e-mailed stories:

"Pridefest Parade gains a mainstream commercial feel"
"Cardinals and Jesus take the field at Busch"
"Tick removal tips"
"A list of personal records can ease your life...and your death"
"Acne drug on trial in Edwardsville"

Let's sum this up - they're turning Pridefest into Woodstock '99. Christ himself took the field for the Cardinals (apparently this wasn't enough to thwart the Jewish Shawn Green from hitting a walk-off homer). St. Louisans don't know that pulling on ticks usually does the trick. And the last two, well, they speak for themselves.

If you dig a little deeper (most e-mailed stories of the past 7 days), you'll find an article called "Aging monkey is loose in St. Charles County." A 40-year old female monkey, weighing between 6 and 8 pounds, was last seen Thursday. I think she's been found alive since this article was printed, but damnit....we here at the Daily Grego were hoping for a sadder ending, involving a screeching predatory bird, darting from the sky like an F15.

Kobe Bryant flashes everyone, or something

2007-06-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

All-time favorite and Best American Sportswriter Bill Plaschke has been wowing us for years with his entertaining columns. He just wrote one about Kobe!

You, the woman from Torrance with the oversized No. 24 jersey? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly damaged the credibility of that uniform.

Here we go! I don't know exactly how you go about damaging the "credibility" of a uniform, but apparently it is a top concern. I guess this large Torrance woman should go out and buy an XXL Bruce Bowen jersey or something.

And, you, the Riverside father and son who can't afford tickets but cheer for all the Lakers on television? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly ripped those players.

When you disrespect Andrew Bynum, you disrespect the poor, blue-collar, father-son pairings of fans who've already lost their wives and mothers in tragic, violent, Kobe Bryant-related traffic accidents. Shame on you.

You say you love Bryant because he is entertaining.

And because he is fucking awesome at basketball.

What has happened in the last several weeks is not good entertainment. Blowing up the family car in anger over a sputtering engine is not good entertainment.

(Bill Plaschke has been driving the same purple 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity since he bought it used in 1994.)

At this moment, Bryant is not Magic Johnson, he is Paris Hilton. He is not Jerry West, he is Lindsay Lohan.

He is not Michael Jordan, he is Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen. What the fuck does this mean? And whose fault is it, really, that Kobe gets more stupid media attention than Jerry West did? Hm?

He is not the old show-time Hollywood, he is the new spoiled Hollywood, and again I ask, this is entertainment?

Entertainment is Buster Keaton pairing up with Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Entertainment is reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Maypole of Merrymount" in front of a crackling auburn fire. OLD-TIME! NOT NEW! SPOILED! BAD!

If Kobe Bryant is "spoiled Hollywood," what does that make, like, Tom Brady? Who isn't spoiled Hollywood, exactly? (Plaschke answers later.)

You say you love Bryant because he is a winner.

No, that means nothing. Robert Horry is a winner. Michael Finley is a winner. Beno Udrih was a winner this year. None of these players will ever contribute as much to "winning" as Kobe Bryant does. The people who love Kobe love him because he is like one of the three best basketball-playing human beings on the face of this planet.

Leveling your organization is not the move of a winner. Whining and crying publicly for a trade that will force the Lakers into accepting something less than full value is not the actions of a winner.

The Lakers reportedly nixed a deal for Jason Kidd because they didn't want to part with Andrew Bynum. THAT's not the move of a winner, dumbass. Who's really whining here?

Tim Duncan quietly allowing a tiny little dude from France to win the NBA Finals MVP, that is the move of a winner.

Oh my God, here we go. The good children.

Dwyane Wade's quiet acceptance of Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat, that is the move of a winner.

Characteristics of a winner: being quiet.

Robert Horry, seven-time NBA winner-type person: a silent, timid church mouse.
Kobe Bryant: Loud! Noisy! Bad! Hollywood!

Three years after being anointed as the solution, Bryant has decided instead to be the problem, and I ask, this is a winner?

The latest Bryant news would be funny, if it weren't so sad.

Just like those women who show their private parts to paparazzi, Bryant has profanely ripped the Lakers to two strangers in a parking lot.

KOBE BRYANT SAID ANDREW BYNUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED. I GUESS THAT'S JUST LIKE PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA. THESE LOUD, CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE NOT CHARACTERISTIC OF A WINNING BLOGGER

The two guys videotaped the rant on a digital camera that doubles as a video recorder, and they are now trying to sell access to the alleged tape for a couple of bucks a pop.

A digital photographing/video recorder videotaping device? That's not old-time.

To Bill Plaschke, I say: Now THIS is entertainment. Keep up the bad work.

First runner-up: Enya's "Only If"

2007-06-19T22:11:00.001-07:00

Blogging on location today from the Republican Northeast Regional Zone 2 Alternate Headquarters in Scranton, Pa. While I'm here, I'll be doing my darndest to provide fair, balanced coverage from one of campaign season's hottest hubbubs. Or is it just a hub? Either way, just doing my job, folks.

The latest from the other side: Hillarious Clinton has been keeping her climate-change-hating, baby-killing, bra-burning* supporters in suspense re: her official campaign song for what has seemed like months now. An open contest let liberal viewers determine the tune, and the winning chanson has been the object of much debate.

Until recently, that is.

In a much-anticipated (again, by the liberals) video unveiling, she gives us all a taste of what we'll be hearing for the next year and a half, if Satan** has his way, of course.

It's Celine Dion's "You and I."

Where the fuck are my earmuffs? I know I packed some for the Scranton trip.

*alleged bra-burning
**not an official campaign sponsor

Grego's loyal following of Grego followers

2007-06-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

When Grego writes a column, people from the Kirksville micropolitan area pay attention. Some of them have the gumption to leave comments. Keep in mind how daring this is -- these people are talking to the man himself (Grego has to approve all posted comments...as it turns out, he often doesn't approve ours). Also remember how tough it must be for Grego; I mean, he may have to deal with actual criticism within some of these comments. Or, the following:

bubba wrote on Jun 16, 2007 10:23 PM:

" kind of gives me goose bumps to know you are so smart! no it wont make no difference at all!with fuel and food going up so much poor ole consumer not never voteing for another tax burden!we are just told to make due so them too! "

"Bubba" at the end of his 8th grade year: "4 D's and 3 F's? im not never gonna go to no school never again!"

Graduates, get ready to be confused

2007-06-17T23:13:00.000-07:00

High school graduation is a strange time. The week before graduation is typically a blast - parties, boobs, and so on. However, the summer after you graduate is pretty fucked up, for a few reasons. First, you're still couped up with your parents. Realizing that walking across that stage is not an immediate token of independence is pretty shitty.

Worse than that, I think, is old people spouting off wisdom that is, well, old. Today, I came across an article in the News Democrat Journal that perfectly fits this description. The author, Fred Nugent (not to be mistaken for his more well-known brother, Ted) has an odd way of appealing to the kiddos. Let's take a look.

Just got home from Seckman's graduation, and as I sit here in front of the computer, my mind wanders back to my own graduation, some 33 years ago as the Class of '74 marched across the stage in Alton, Ill., and received diplomas.

Let me set the stage and the mood of that year. Our country's involvement in Vietnam was winding down and though that conflict officially ended the year before, in 1973, the last Americans were evacuated from Saigon in April before our graduation.

This is a weird bit of revisionist history, because Freddy boy, Saigon fell in 1975 - almost a full year AFTER you graduated from high school.

The first UPC code would be scanned in June of 1974-a package of Wrigley's gum at a supermarket in Ohio. Evel Knievel would fail to cross the Snake River Canyon in September of that year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Jake Plummer, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. were all newborns.

Now this really puts things into perspective. Jake Plummer was a newborn around the time this guy graduated from high school. A name that resonates in the hearts and minds of high school seniors everywhere. Jordan. Woods. Shaq. Kobe. LeBron. Plummer. It's like when I graduated, and my dad said "you know son, Steve Bono was only 6 when I was your age?" It changed my life. Here are other sports equivalents to mediocre, semi-retired NFLer Jake Plummer:

Baseball: Richie Sexson, Raul Mondesi, Ron Gant
Basketball: Rik Smits, John Starks
Golf: Davis Love III
Boxing: Buster Mathis, Jr.

You get the point.

But as we sat there, we were entrusted with much of the same knowledge that the class of 2007 received earlier tonight: "You only live once, so what's stopping you from going for it!" or "The future is there for you to change".

"The future is there for you to change"

And the past, too!

Ah, it's swimsuit season

2007-06-13T23:06:00.000-07:00

...and you know what that means.

Maybe it's just something I'll never understand, being so incredibly masculine and comfortable with my selection of tight, revealing lycra bathing wear, but how many humor/fashion/lifestyle columns can be written about swimsuits?

Answer: always one more. Check this gem from the Columbia Tribune's Irene Haskins, who actually founded the newspaper in 1901 at the tender age of 37.

Show me a woman who enjoys shopping for a swimsuit and I’ll show you a woman who can stuff sausage through a straw.

Ah yes. Sausage-stuffing. That's what I think of when I think of swimsuits.

Show me a woman who's brave enough to wear a two-piece to the country club, and I'll show you a woman who can really slap a wiener between two buns.

(In related news, the Tribune recently ran this letter concerning the warning signs of sexual harassment in public. It's cool! But at first glance, we thought it was a to-do list.)

Anne T. Garcia lies in column about how she never lies

2007-06-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

Anne T. Garcia is a friend of our blog. And by "friend," I mean "so batshit stupid that it's like, really easy to make fun of her dumb columns." Today, Anne rallies against lying, and somehow makes herself look dumber than usual.

I've decided to make a concerted effort to give up saying things that are not true, no matter how painful it may be.

I will keep a running count of things Anne Garcia says that are not true. (One)

Being honest is an American tradition going all the way back to the story (never substantiated) of George Washington and the cherry tree.

The cherry tree story was invented by an early Washington biographer. Isn't it kind of stupid to harp on America's truthfulness by citing a complete fucking myth? (Two)

Not that I'm known for telling whoppers. Most people consider me to be pretty much of a straight arrow.

Read my previous entry on Anne Garcia. Count the whoppers. (Three)

But let's be frank, there are times when those little lies drip down from our lips.

Groundbreaking.

"Are you free for lunch?" "Do you like my haircut?" and "Did you remember that today's my birthday?" are questions that might cause an untruth to slip out. Almost without thinking we are inclined to give the socially acceptable answer.

Yes, because saying "fuck you, I don't want to be seen with you in public" or "your hair looks like pubes" or "no, I didn't remember your stupid birthday" is the way to go. Surely, you don't think this is true.

And then there's this question: "How old are you?" In times past, I'd lied about my age so often I actually had to stop and calculate when I wanted to remember my true age.

If I had to guess, I would say that Anne Garcia is somewhere between 130 and 198 years old.

What's the big deal about telling those little white lies?

What? Just what? Could it be something to do with God being pissed at us and the impending doom of mankind?

We are living in a world filled with nukes, terrorism, drug-resistant bacteria, war, famine and earthquakes. In short, we are living at the end of the age.

Movie ad: "In a world full of earthquakes, a newspaper columnist searches for the truth." Other than the nukes, haven't these things been around since like, before man invented the wheel?

The great Apostle Paul encouraged us to escape the wrath to come, the upcoming seven years of tribulation. The Lord will receive us in the air, to spend those seven years safely in heaven with Him.

The great Apostle Paul would probably be creeped out by you, Anne. Fuck, I lost count. Let's call that...(eight).

"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air" (1 Thessalonians 4:16,17).

Here's how Anne finds these insightful quotes: She gets on her computer (a Packard Bell desktop with a Pentium Processor), sticks her Bible CD-Rom into her 4x speed, read-only drive, waits twelve minutes for it to load up, and types in the search bar whatever is offending her at the moment.

But here's the kicker. The Church that's caught away must be pure. Paul calls it "without spot or wrinkle" (Ephesians 5:27).

Without spot...or wrinkle!?!? I can do it without spot. But damnit...there's gotta be some wrinkle, Anne. Actually, this sounds more like what you would hear on a stain remover commercial.

I've known how to give up lying for quite a while.

(nine)

I heard a great evangelist teach on it several years ago. As soon as you realize you're telling a lie you stop yourself in mid sentence and make the correction. Embarrassing? Yes it is, but necessary to achieve the goal.

"Yeah, Betty. Your haircut looks like my ass...and by that, I mean, really good, because I love my ass."

For example, "Of course I remembered that today's your birthday-let me correct myself, honey. Actually, I forgot it was your birthday, but now that I've remembered, happy birthday."

Shut it! I already gave an example. This one should be "now that you've reminded me, happy birthday. Oh, you're calling me a bitch for forgetting?"

That's what I should have said to my daughter when she called me on her birthday in February. But I didn't-I lied, I said I remembered.

Whoa! Anne Garcia forgot her daughter's birthday. Granted, when you're 183 years old, and your daughter is in her 150s, it can be difficult to keep track of.

Once, when I was in a car accident, the officer asked if I was wearing my seat belt.

Did he really? (ten)

"Yes," I said, without batting an eye.

I wasn't. I should have declined to answer.

Ironically, said accident occurred before cars had seat belts. Thus...(eleven)

Taking honesty to the next level is walking in integrity.

Anne, when I read your columns, I shoot a big load of integrity all over my computer screen. The more I read, the more that shoots out. I'm nipple-deep in it right now. (twelve, because, what the fuck does it mean to "walk in integrity?")

Integrity has been defined as doing what's right when no one is watching.

But you can make yourself look like an old-fashioned, intolerant windbag when your writing is published in a newspaper. (thirteen)

Part of that virtue includes keeping our word. When I was raising my children, I tried to instill that principle in them. If they accepted an invitation and something better came along, they were bound by their word.

Unless "something better coming along" had to do with licking the pages of the Bible.

To help me along in my quest for honesty I have a reminder on my refrigerator: ". . . all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).

That's the kind of refrigerator decor you want to read when you're thirsty for a Mello Yellow. By the way, Anne, you have lied at least thirteen times in this column. You have some work to do.

It gets awfully hot in Monroe County in the summertime, but not nearly as hot as the lake of fire.

The eleventh commandment, which is not as well-known as the first ten, reads "Thou shall not be tactful."

Honestly, how old am I? None of your business.

You are a 204 year-old bundle of happiness. And here's a quote from the last column of yours that I lampooned:

Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.

Anne Garcia's age="None uh yo' bizness!"
What people do in their own bedrooms = public fucking domain

Now, that's a whopper.

Good luck interrogating these two

2007-06-07T23:55:00.000-07:00

From the Grego school of juxtapositions:

Let's hope that bastard puppet rots in jail.

Don't kill that rally, Juan

2007-06-07T22:00:00.000-07:00

Al Hrabosky does color commentary for the Cardinals on FSN. We've talked about him before. Tonight, with the Cardinals behind 5-1 in the bottom of the ninth to the Reds, with 2 men on, and 1 out, Juan Encarnacion came to the plate. This is not encouraging, since Juan's career OBP is like really shitty. Either way, he has some pop in his bat, so a home run would be nice, right? Al Hrabosky doesn't think so.

"Juan has scored a run in the last 7 games; if he can drive in these 2 runners and put himself in scoring position, he could extend that streak...."

Or, you know, if he hit a home run, he'd score without having the next hitter drive him in (Adam Kennedy...). Wait, what's that, AL?

"A 3-run homer is a rally killer in this situation."

God damnit. A home run...is the best possible outcome of an at-bat. Always. Juan Encarnacion and Adam Kennedy subsequently failed to reach base, and the Cardinals lost. At least neither of them went yard!

Joe Buck makes comment, is wrong

2007-06-06T17:44:00.000-07:00

Tonight, the St. Louis Cardinals (10-time World Champions) are playing the Cincinnati Reds. The Reds employ a really big dude who hits lots of home runs. His name is Adam Dunn. As you can see, young Adam strikes out a lot, something that Cardinals announcer Al Hrabosky noted during tonight's telecast. That prompted this quote from the venerable Joe Buck:

"Striking out has always been a problem for Dunn. He's turned into a Dave Kingman-clone: all-or-nothing."

This is so incredibly wrong. First of all, striking out is nothing more than making an out. Sure, it's embarrassing, but it's just an out. Dunn makes up for his low batting average with an incredibly high walk rate: over 100 per 162 games. He's far more than an "all-or-nothing" guy - his career OBP is .378. Dave Kingman, on the other hand, walked 608 times in over 7400 plate appearances. Thus far, Adam Dunn has walked 604 times....in only 3700 plate appearances. That's a huge fucking difference. Dunn is much better at hitting than Kingman. It's not even close. By the way, Kingman's career OBP is .302. Wowza. That's bad.

Breaking news alert

2007-06-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

As the always potentially dangerous tropical storm season fast approaches, we really must thank God that we have professional journalists who are on top of the details. From MSNBC.com and KXAN-TV:

Next Hurricane Could Strike Anywhere From TX to NY

In other news, MSNBC forecasters have issued a severe thunderstorm watch for "all of the rectangle states."

Real world experience

2007-05-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

Check out the comments under Grego's last column for some spirited back-and-forth. And some name-calling. My favorite one just might make it onto our next masthead design:

Daily Grego - Another college-educated idiot with an answer for everything.

Correction: idiot(s)

Follow the link (now, while it's still up!) to read the rest. Special thanks to the Viva El Birdos blog entry that inspired us to waste our time on Grego's site. We even quoted one of their members (and cited it, too, but Grego removed the link).

Viva el Grego!

Jeff Gordon must want the Cardinals to lose

2007-05-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've discussed StL Post-Dispatch sportswriter Jeff Gordon before. Usually, he's not bad. Sometimes, he says stupid things (don't we all?). In today's Gordo Chat, he gave a bad, bad answer.

Cardinals fan Larry Sheehy asks: Is it just me or does anyone else have the desire to see the Cardinals start playing small ball with Chris Duncan batting 4th or 5th and having a little guy (Eckstein or Kennedy) bat 2nd?

Jeff Gordon's response: Duncan should protect Albert against RH pitching. Kennedy would be fine in the No. 2 hole. This is not so much about "small ball" as getting a run producer lower in the heart of the batting order.

Although this is not on a Joe Morgan level of being a shitty answer, it's still a shitty answer. Especially the second sentence, about Adam Kennedy being fine hitting second.

Adam Kennedy Career OBP: .331 (league average over this time is .336)
Adam Kennedy Career EqA: .252 (league average is .260)
Adam Kennedy 2007 OBP: .293

Of course, he's gotten off to a bad start, but his ceiling is not very high. But whatever. Give him the second-most number of at-bats for a team that has big trouble getting on-base. That'll...show everyone.

Here's a better answer for you, Larry. No. The Cardinals should do everything in their power to make as few outs as possible. The last thing they need to do is to give away outs, even if those outs are "productive." This is a hole-ridden, impatient, powerless lineup. They rank dead last in the National League in walks. Their team OBP is .317 (13th in the NL). You get the picture. They suck. Small ball won't help them. Even if the lineup awakens, the starting pitching is still terrible.

Tim Duncan for MVP...

2007-05-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

(...Most Virtuous Player.)

I know it's getting a little out of hand with the sports coverage around here, but how can we resist stuff like this? Sportswriters, follow the preceding link for a classic lesson in jockstrap-carrying. It's a prerequisite course, taught by Adrian Wojnarowski.

When these playoffs are over, everyone will know the MVP in this league. It won't be Dirk Nowitzki,

(actually, it will be -- and already is -- but that's neither here nor there)

nor Steve Nash, nor Kobe Bryant. The league MVP will be Tim Duncan. Again. And good luck trying to get Duncan to talk about it. Anyone else, and they would be telling you all about how they've been constantly overlooked in San Antonio, how it was a crime that Denver's Marcus Camby was voted the league's defensive player of the year, and that how despite declarations made elsewhere, no one has ever truly dethroned him as the best player in the sport.

Anyone else? Anyone else would be telling you how "they" deserved defensive player of the year? Is everyone in the NBA delusional, too?

Marcus Camby: 70 GP, 11.7 RPG (9.3 DReb), 1.2 SPG, 3.3 BPG
Tim Duncan: 80 GP, 10.6 RPG (7.9 DReb), 0.8 SPG, 2.4 BPG

How do those numbers indicate a "crime" has been committed? Camby had a great year and stayed relatively healthy. Duncan was good, too. He would win the award if you got extra points for blocking shots politely.

And... how exactly is Tim Duncan overlooked in San Antonio? Somewhere in a small Utah hotel room, Beno Udrih is rolling over in his tiny, urine-stained cot and dreaming of the days when he actually got to play basketball.

"If it's possible to be the most appreciated and the most taken for granted,

(which it's not),

that's what Tim is," Spurs assistant coach P.J. Carlesimo said. "We just assume every day that he's going to dominate both ends of the floor, take and make big shots. When we don't win, he's going to say, 'It's on me.' When we do win, he's not going to say anything."

This is why we can't wait to see Tim Duncan in the fucking NBA Finals. "He's not going to say anything."

"He's so consistent, so unassuming, you tend to forget how special he is."

This exact same line has appeared in columns about certain "special" athletes since the advent of movable type. Does Tim Duncan have a calm, steely gaze? Derek Jeter, anyone? How is it possible for us to "forget" how special these athletes are, Adrian, when you keep reminding us every time you're out of column ideas?

Duncan has never had his coach fired. He's never had a public feud with a teammate. When he could've been the No. 1 pick as a sophomore, he stayed four years at Wake Forest. When he had a chance to leave San Antonio for bigger, splashier markets as a free agent, he re-signed to stay here.

When he could have just left his sopping wet pair of compression shorts in the bottom of his locker to fungalize and germinate, he draped them on a coathanger for me to carry off as a token of his good will.

Tim Duncan does nice things. But what's so horribly wrong with a guy who signs elsewhere as a free agent? I mean, maybe Tim's family is begging him to get out of San Antonio because they hate it there, and he refuses because he likes having a personal athletic-cup-carrier loitering around outside the locker room. Wouldn't that make him selfish?

If he skips the draft and tears a ligament his senior year, wouldn't that make him an idiot? Anyway.

Think about this: In his decade with San Antonio, when have you heard a grouse out of that locker room? Ever heard a player complain about minutes? About how the coach uses him? About how little he's appreciated?

This is, like, insignificant. How many teams have real, recurring chemistry problems, off the top of your head? A few. How many of those problems actually affect team performances? Fewer.

And why are we anointing Tim Duncan the king of the playing-time police when he's the one playing 38 minutes a game? Shouldn't we be talking about the guys who actually have something to complain about, but aren't? Someone like... oh, I don't know...

Around the Spurs this season, most believe that Manu Ginobili would prefer to start, but he's accepted his sixth man role this season without a word.

This is because of Tim Duncan's grouse-preventing gaze. Just ask assistant coach P.J. Carlesimo.

Outside San Antonio's locker room Sunday afternoon, Carlesimo nodded his head and simply pointed back toward those concrete walls where Duncan was dressing.

"When he's naked," Carlesimo said with one eyebrow raised, "people don't complain about minutes."

Al Hrabosky is old

2007-05-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

We here at the Daily Grego have always enjoyed the antics of Cardinals analyst Al Hrabosky, from his homo-erotic obsession with Reggie Sanders, to how close he sits to Dan McLaughlin in the booth. A few minutes ago, during the Cardinals beat down of the Washington Nationals, Al uttered this line (in so many words):

"You know, they have a statistic for everything these days; Kearns is hitting .245 when he leads off an inning."

When he said the first part, I thought he was going to mention Kearns's EqA or something. I should have known better.

This reminds me of when I was a little kid; my dad was a teacher. When school was canceled for bad weather, teachers called one other to pass the news along. One time, a teacher called to announce that we were having school. What the fuck? Probably someone from the foreign language department. Thanks, Al Hrabosky, for getting my hopes up. You're no better than a teacher at Daily Grego High.

I sent this to FJM...

2007-05-25T02:27:00.000-07:00

I'd like to walk up to ESPN's Jayson Stark and ask him to define the word "overrated." His answer would probably be about 50% right, 30% completely wrong, and 20% almost-kinda-sorta-yeah-you're-actually-wrong wrong. Kind of like this article on baseball's top 10 overrated players. Let's go!

1. Barry Zito

I couldn't agree more, Jayson. This guy is earning a boatload of money for being good 4 years ago. This is a good start!

2. J.D. Drew

OK, this is stupid. Does anyone like J.D. Drew? No one? Didn't think so. Thanks to the fact that J.D. is injury prone, everyone sees him as kind of a lollygagger. Someone who is immensely talented, but doesn't play up to his abilities for whatever reasons. Drew is not well-liked in St. Louis, or anywhere else. However, his career stats are pretty good; this is clouded by the perception that he's a bit of a pussy. In this article, Jayson Stark points out Drew's statistics, and then points out that despite them, he's never made an All-Star game. You know, the game in the summer where the fans vote for who plays. Wouldn't an overrated player be in like...lots of All-Star games?

3. Andruw Jones

Eh, whatever. He's having a bad year. Doesn't get on-base enough. If he were having a career-average year, he wouldn't be on this list.

4. Juan Pierre

Well, he was definitely overrated by the Dodgers this off-season. He doesn't walk, gives away a lot of outs, gets caught stealing often, throws like a toddler, and has 12 career home runs in over 4700 plate appearances. He's the best example of how GMs spend waaaaaayyyy too much money on speed. Though, I think the average fan, thanks to Moneyball, is catching up to the fact that Juan Pierre stinks. So, in a sense, his overrated-ness is decreasing. Thank god.

5. Bobby Abreu

Like Andruw Jones, Bobby Abreu is having a bad year. Except, his bad year is occurring in New York.

The folks who only peruse Abreu's numbers don't just wonder what he's doing on this list. They wonder when he's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. How multitalented is Bobby Abreu? Well, he does happen to be the only active player with a .300 career batting average, a .400 on-base percentage, 200 homers and 250 stolen bases.

Bobby Abreu has put up excellent numbers in his career. He's damned good. Jayson Stark agrees.

And his .909 career OPS tops the OPS of Sammy Sosa, Chase Utley, Derrek Lee, and many, many, many other famed batsmiths out there.

This is also true. Bobby Abreu has a wonderful career OPS. Better than guys who are really good. This makes him overrated how?

But there sure are a lot of people who watched him in Philadelphia who think Abreu is the poster boy for an unquantifiable division of the All-Overrated Team -- players who mysteriously seem to be less than the sum of their spectacular numbers.

Jayson, sorry to interrupt again...but aren't Phillies fans batshit fucking crazy? Don't they hate EVERYONE, especially after they leave Philadelphia? This is not a good source to use when you're saying that Bobby Abreu is overrated.

When people battle me on this guy, I always sum it up this way: As great as Bobby Abreu can be, he lacks that all-important Derek Jeter gene. There is no voice in his head, screaming: "This ball has to be caught." Or: "That runner on third has to be driven in." In Philadelphia, where he was the centerpiece of the franchise, that one flaw showed up way too glaringly. Now, in New York, as the Yankees flounder, they're getting aggravated over the same stuff. Funny how that happens.

Good fucking god. Bobby Abreu does not have a miniature Derek Jeter in his head, yelling at him to drive in runs or make plays in the outfield. Instead, he has a little Alex Rodriguez that sits on his right shoulder, shivering, naked, with icicles dangling from his shaped eyebrows. Little A-Rod whispers in Bobby's ear when he comes to the plate with a man on third: "You're going to fuck up, ohmygod!" Note: Bobby Abreu was great for the Yankees last year. He played like Bobby Abreu usually plays. This year, he's not doing so well. However, he's had a wonderful career, as our boy Jay has pointed out. He's played in front of difficult fans, who complain a lot, masking his awesome statistics. How does this make Bobby Abreu overrated?

6. Brian Giles

Brian Giles is also having a bad year. He's an older guy now, but in his prime, he was an MVP-level player. Not many people know this, because he played in Pittsburgh. Most recognize that he's mainly a doubles hitter these days. How does that make him overrated?

7. Alfonso Soriano

Definitely overrated. A guy with a .325 career OBP shouldn't be making $136 million over eight years. The Cubs are going to hate this guy really soon. Especially when he's making outs at the top of the lineup, instead of driving in runs in the middle of the lineup (which is where he should be). Being fast does not equal being a good leadoff hitter.

8. Richie Sexson

Uhhh....people think Richie Sexson is good? Jayson Stark pisses me off though, because he lumps Adam Dunn (who is good) with Sexson:

Sexson and Adam Dunn fit into a category of overratedness I figured I'd better get to in this column someplace: Guys We Love Because They Can Pulverize A Baseball About 900 Feet.

Why? Because they both hit home runs. That's what they are known for. Dunn, however, draws a shit ton more walks than Sexson. Adam Dunn is vastly underrated because he strikes out a lot and has a low batting average. He doesn't "play the game the right way." Seriously, people hate Adam Dunn. He's not overrated.

9. Bob Wickman

Why the hell is he on the list? Is he even "rated?" He's a fat, mediocre closer. Everyone knows this.

10. Jeff Suppan

Suppan is a league-average starting pitcher. He has a reputation for being a big-game pitcher. Now, he's making a lot of money. So yeah, probably overrated. But more overrated than David Eckstein, or Carlos Lee? I don't know about that.

Blah. Lists are stupid. Nonetheless, check out the Daily Grego's new book, A 400-Page List of the Worst Lists of All Time, when it's released in July.

Ouch!

2007-05-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, we here at the Daily Grego created a Facebook profile. It was our way of being more accessible to you, the loyal reader. Oh, and it also served as a decent way to advertise ourselves. Nonetheless, we were offended when, lo and behold, Facebook de-Facebooked us. So, just to let our friends know, we did not de-friend (or is it un-friend?) you. We just don't exist there anymore. So now, we really want to encourage everyone to spread the word about us. Feel free to post our articles on Facebook, even. We'd really, really appreciate it. And if anyone wants to tell Facebook's customer service rep "Clive" that he's a horse's ass, by all means. Seriously, you can't un/de-Facebook someone without telling them first!

Remember reader response?

2007-05-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, we at the DG often fight off pangs of remorse for the nasty things we write. Some of us lose entire minutes of sleep over it. We know we have readers who feel our work is unnecessarily mean-spirited, and we certainly don't want this to devolve into anything unseemly.

That means it's your job, readers, to keep us operating at an appropriate level of snark. Prevent us from turning malicious, but also steer us away from complacency.

Reader Jessie G. writes:

"In that "What's Going On?" column, you missed a lot of fodder -
probably because the mistakes are so frequent they've become mundane.
You should check out this paragraph specifically:

Masten, who resigned as mayor the same day Hurricane Katrina made
landfall in 2005, again showed a panache for sharing headlines. The
Adair County Ambulance District Board fired it's embattled chief, Jason
Albert, hours after the court recessed.

I won't address the super-duper-amazing transition and the extra-suave
calling-of-attention to Orear's nose for news, but I'm pretty sure we
worked our way out of "its/it's" exercises by seventh grade. It isn't
even fun to call attention to because it's (its? I don't know ... I
sure hope Word's grammar check is on ...) pretty blatant. But check out
"panache" -- Try reading the sentence with "penchant" instead. Now
there's true subtlety in error."

Jessie, you really know the way to our hearts.

Grego tossed us a slow one, and I let it float by. Let's not skim over his comparison of major headlines, either: Hurricane Katrina... and Jason Albert.

Keep the e-mails comin'. We have a real panache for reading them.

Shit, it is hard to use that word correctly.

Chop, chop!

2007-05-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

Sports columnists can't resist writing choppy one-line paragraphs. It makes their columns feel folksy. Accessible. Conversational. Hey, we like to do the same thing sometimes.

Just not all the time.

Know what else sportswriters can't resist? Weird, archaic references to old things. Stuff grandpa remembers. Stuff from the golden years of childhood. The good ol' days. Again, folksy stuff.

In today's Philadelphia Inquirer, Sam Donnellon goes for the double whammy.

Not only are the Yankees in grave danger of missing the postseason, they are in grave danger of playing in meaningless games in September.

The last time that happened was in 1992.

And we all know what happened with the Phillies in 1993.

So it's a good omen, right? The Yanks in the tank is good for baseball, even better for fans of the Phils.

Ding dong the Yanks are dead, the Yanks are dead, the Yanks are dead;

Ding dong, the wicked Yanks are dead . . .

Hold it right there, Munchkins.

You might not want a house to land on them just yet.

(Let's just go ahead and finish this column for Sam. He's worked hard enough.)

The Yanks used to say "there's no place like home."

But they're not in Kansas anymore.

Actually, they never were.

They're just playing like it.

Yankees fans are singing "If I Only Had a Team."

In Philly, we're hoping to land somewhere over the rainbow.

Where the dreams we dare to dream...

...really do come true.

Done! Now leave me alone. Bedknobs and Broomsticks is on.

Inside Grego's computer

2007-05-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

What's Going On (abridged version)

It's over.

For more than two years, Kirksville has been engulfed in the saga surrounding Debbie Masten and the New Year's Day fire at her bar, Too Talls Two.

Hasn't been much else "Going On" in those two years. You're aware of this if you've ever read Grego's paper.

Now, after the investigation, eight-day trial and two-hour deliberation, a federal jury returned a guilty verdict that is satisfying, devastating, gratifying, disappointing and shocking all at the same time for various interested parties.

A paragraph that is boring, befuddling, plodding, uninteresting, tiring and drudging -- simultaneously and separately -- for a variety of reader-type people.

Is this really the best way to describe the verdict? Or any verdict? How does Grego come up with these things?

Anne T. Garcia is not down with steaming man-on-man action

2007-05-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

The Monroe County Clarion is one of many "suburban journals" distributed by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. On Tuesday, Anne T. Garcia, who apparently believes in God, wrote a column about the House's "hate crime legislation" bill. Thank you, Anne, for making things easy for me. It's like making fun of scenes in early 90s films where characters talk on giant cell phones. Only, those people probably use really cool razor phones today that can survive falls off of balconies and other high places. They, like most people, adapt. So, we laugh at them knowing that they are not as stupid as they looked in 1992. Anne T. Garcia does not adapt.

"Hate Crimes in Sodom and America"

Wow, where is this headed? I can read this for free?

Earlier this month, on the National Day of Prayer, the House of Representatives passed HR1592, the so-called "hate crimes legislation."

Wait, you're telling me that they weren't praying on the National Day of Prayer? They were passing laws instead? Heathens. Thank goodness for 2-year terms.

The thinking was Christians were preoccupied with the Day of Prayer and wouldn't notice.

That's a bold statement. Got anything to back that up, or did you just reach into your bamboo chute for that one? Anne, a word of advice: The House of Representatives is made up of 435 people. Most of them are Christians.

We noticed. U.S. Rep. Jerry Costello should be ashamed of himself. This bill does not reflect the views of his constituents.

"We"? As in, every single god-damned Christian? Someone tell Brian Lamb, the founder of C-Span. His advertisers are probably bathing in God's saliva.

Brian Lamb: "Ugh, the live coverage of the House floor sure does get dull, doesn't it, assistant?"
Assistant: "Mr. Lamb, 2.1 BILLION people are watching right now. God himself wants to advertise on our network."
Brian Lamb: "Assistant, when was the last time we gave you a 2000% raise?"

Anne, how do you know that HR1592 doesn't reflect the views of Jerry Costello's constituents? Show us some data!

Those now slated to receive special protection include homosexuals, cross-dressers, transvestites and transsexuals. This legislation would put the aforementioned group under the umbrella of protection of the Civil Rights bill of 1964. That bill was drafted, you recall, to address the inequalities suffered by our Black citizens, who had endured centuries of abuse.

Cross-dressers and transvestites are the same thing. "Aforementioned group"? Try "groups." So, you're saying that black people suffered centuries of abuse before 1964, when one of the Civil Rights bills was passed. This is true. We'll remember this piece of information as we continue to go through this article.

Kudos to the conservatives on the Judiciary Committee, who tried to include unborn children, the elderly, the military, police officers and pregnant women in the "protected group." But the Libs said no, proving their true motive. It's not about protecting minorities, it's about moving our country away from God.

Those groups are not minorities in the sense that gay people are minorities. There aren't many rednecks walking around saying "maaaannnn, I'm gonna go out and fuck up some old people tonight!" In many jurisdictions, harming pregnant women will get you in twice the amount of trouble, especially if you interfere with the woman's right to give birth. If you punch a police officer, you'll get in more trouble than if you punch, let's say, a janitor.

But Anne, you're right. If you visit the "National Foundation of Queer-Loving Liberals" website, and click on "Our Mission," you will see that, indeed, they want to move this country away from God. Seriously, the Dude like, never showers.

News anchors, talk show hosts and just plain folks wonder what's going on. What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now? Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.

"Yup, ol' Randy's not a news anchor, or a talk show host."
"That must mean that he's just a plain folk!"
"You, my friend, are correct."

Anne, when you say that people "wonder what's going on," you should quote someone who actually wonders what's going on.

What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now?

Duh, we're all having butt sex. I thought you knew that?

Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.

Anne, I encourage you to read an American history book. Not like, a high school history book titled "American History: An Eagle's Journey," but something written for adults. There, you will find many cases where ethics were thrown out the window. For example, the enslavement of blacks, racial segregation, and gender inequality (which persists to this day). In fact, a lot of historians are looking at the mistreatment of gay people in the United States. You know, something you adhere to.

When Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, he determined that "all men are created equal."

Thomas Jefferson's train of thought while writing the Declaration, according to Anne T. Garcia: "OK, so I have to write this thing. Poppycock! You know what, James? I have determined that all men are created equal!" Note: Thomas Jefferson was a deist.

Not any more. Under the Democratic hate crimes bill, those with a proclivity toward sexual deviancy are going to be a little more equal than the rest of us.

One should remember that, according to Garcia, having sex with your shirt off is a form of "sexual deviancy."

...a little more equal than the rest of us.

Let's put it this way; if someone assaults a minister and spray paints "Jesus is Satan" on his car door, they will be charged with a hate crime in many jurisdictions.

Historically in America, homosexuality was considered to be sin. It was against the law in most states.

In the 20th century it became sanitized as mental illness.

Earlier: "Black people have suffered centuries of abuse!"
Now: "So too have homosexuals...but they deserve it!"

Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.

Tell me, Anne; when was the last time you had sex?

Today it is flagrant "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."

"Raise your hand if you've ever heard a gay person say that....no one? OK. Raise your hand if you've heard someone who hates gay people say that? Twelve of you? Out of thirteen? Interesting."

Young people are being actively recruited into a lifestyle that will ultimately cost them their eternal salvation-and all of us should care.

This is very true. The military recruits lots of young people.

The great apostle Paul chronicled the debasement of sinful man, as he professes to be wise, ignoring the Word of God:

Garcia goes on to cherry-pick vague bits of scripture. What a great way to prove a point.

"God gave them up to vile passions. For even the women exchanged then natural use for what is against nature . . . men, leaving the natural use of women, burned in their lust for one another . . ." (Romans 1:26,27).

Also against nature: pooping in toilets.

What's the end game, you may wonder?

Isn't it a French play?

The answer is a debased mind filled with all unrighteousness, covetousness, deceit, haters of God and violent inventors of evil things(Romans 1:28-30).

That pretty much defines the people pushing this legislation in Washington, D.C.

That pretty much defines whatever you want it to define. The War in Iraq. The St. Louis Cardinals starting rotation.

Paul wrote those words of warning to the Romans.

And he did such a good job of summing up Rome's problems!

Rome fell.

This is stupid, conventional-wisdom horse shit. Rome didn't "fall" in one day. People didn't wake up one morning and say "holy shit, Rome fell!" Some didn't even know they were living in an empire. In the east, where most of Rome's power had shifted, the Empire lived for several more centuries. There's no set date. It's completely ambiguous. Some people say it's when Constantine died, or in 410, when the Visigoths sacked Rome. Or in 476. Or in 1453. Or that it never existed at all. Or that America is Rome. It's so complicated that Paul was probably sitting up there in heaven, sipping wine with Jesus, thinking "holy shit, I don't know what the fuck is going on!" to which Jesus responded "Neither does my dad. We were fishing the other day, and he was like 'Whoa! Wassup with my homeboys in Rome?'"

It would behoove us, the electorate, to vote such people out of Congress and replace them with righteous, God-fearing men and women. God is not mocked.

I think you meant "Gay-bashing," not "God-fearing." Anne, it would "behoove" the electorate if you stopped speaking for them. You're speaking for a lot of people who would probably smack you in the face and say "behoove that, cracker!"

If we don't turn back to God, America will fall also.

You heard it here, first. America is falling, one capri pant at a time.

Ah, letters

2007-05-19T02:01:00.000-07:00

Letters to the editor: not really our cup of tea. We prefer to make fun of stuff written by professionals. But... this one hurt. Really. Got us right in the coconuts. Enter Tri-County Journal reader Nathan B.:

It's amazing how brave people are when they can hide. This is evidenced by the raucous participation of readers in the Sound Off! section of this publication.

I wouldn't say it's amazing, but yeah. People are more likely to speak up if they don't fear consequences. Is this necessarily a bad thing?

I know the LAST thing today's newspapers need is raucous participation. More tepidness, please!

It's easy to complain when you can do it without people wondering who you are. Now, get some guts and sign your name to your opinions.

OK, it sounds macho to say you're not afraid to print your gulldurn name with your galldang opinion, but come on. What's so cowardly about an anonymous comment? And if that's so bad, what about an entire anonymous BLOG?

If you have a point to make, write a letter and sign your name - it adds credibility as well as allows for the public to know that it's not the same people calling (or writing) every week.

If there's anything I hate about newspapers, it's reading the same -- SAME! -- writers every damn day.

Doesn't anonymity help combat some of the preconceived notions other readers might have? In a small newspaper, isn't that at least somewhat valuable? If we can evaluate ideas based on their merits rather than their sources, aren't we better off?

*Sniff*

*Sniffle*

*Single teardrop, shed out of pure love for journalism*

As for the Journal, you should require your readers to give their name or at least provide some outlet for readers to know that they're not seeing the same people's thoughts every week.

Quantity and quality of comments decrease when readers aren't allowed to respond anonymously. Maybe some limits are in order. But why condescend?

If anything, requiring identification would increase the probability of seeing the same readers' thoughts every week.

I'm sure the section is a big draw for you, but how about some journalistic integrity?

Truthfully, Nate, we're asking people the same question.

We're just not signing our names.

If you die in Quincy, Il., people will know

2007-05-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

Quincy, Illinois is a wonderful, historic town (the site of the sixth Lincoln-Douglas debate!). This is reflected by the title of their newspaper, the Quincy Herald-Whig. Somehow, the fine people at The Whig got the rights for the Whig.com domain name. You'd think that some honky history buff would have snatched that one up in 1994. Even though it's a decent looking site (at least compared to KDE.com), there's one glaring oddity. Check out the tabs at the top of the page. Pretty standard stuff, for the most part.

"Home - oh lookie, you've been scouring through the digital Whig, and you want to get back to the homepage...by all means, click here!"

"Sports - Ah yes, you want to see the box score for Quincy University's gridiron battle against Olivet Nazarene. We will show you the way, curious visitor!"

"Events - This town is off da hook! Check out what's going on in Quincy, go-getter!"

And then....

"DEATHS - *gulp*"

If you're an editor at the KDE, your thumb probably smells like your butt

2007-05-18T00:26:00.000-07:00

Truman State University offers a class called "COMM 492: Principles of what not to do when you write for newspapers"...OK, not really. But if they did, the first paragraph of this story would make it into the textbook.

KIRKSVILLE - A more than 18,000-pair boost this month to the Shoes for Orphan Souls campaign is due to efforts of north Missouri Rotary Clubs, and the Kirksville chapter honored member Scott Ellis Wednesday for leading the local effort.

I can't wrap my brain around it. Who allows this shit to be printed? There wasn't an author named for this article, but I have my suspicions...oh, cool..."What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye just started playing on iTunes. I really enjoy that song.

David Blaine likes Yao Ming

2007-05-16T01:02:00.000-07:00

This year's NBA playoffs have been very entertaining, especially the games on TNT featuring the studio crew of Kenny Smith, "Challes" Barkley, and Ernie Johnson. However, that god damned commercial with David Blaine is really getting on my nerves. It goes something like this....

It's been said that Yao Ming blocks as many shots as two men....

Yeah, Yao Ming is a good shot blocker (he's like 10'11"), but not good enough to justify this commercial. Yao's career per game block average is 1.9. League average is like .07, so yeah...he's good. Hakeem Olajuwon's career average: 3.1. Shaq's is 2.5. Alonzo's is 2.8. I know I'm nitpicking, but I hate how the networks produce misleading ads. This would make the average fan think that Yao is to shot blocking as Albert Pujols is to being a great Dominican hitter.

We here at the Daily Grego like Yao Ming, but we think he should be averaging 40 points, 22 rebounds, and 8 blocks a game. He's 10'11" for Christ's sake! Knock it off with the fade-away jumpers!

Alert readers DO make a difference

2007-05-15T18:37:00.000-07:00

You know, we're awfully hard on people here... and truthfully? Sometimes we feel bad about it. Yeah. That's right; even asshole bloggers have feelings. Sometimes we wonder if we can keep up the rude, know-it-all criticisms or if the Golden Rule guilt will eventually wear us down into soft, compliant appreciators of mushy newspaper content.

Then we thumb through our Grego archives and snap out of it.

But still. We're human. So when one of our subjects (targets?) accomplishes something of redeeming value, well, darn it, we can appreciate that. We're not completely self-absorbed.

Now, Bill McClellan didn't do anything to make us reconsider our fighting stance on his computer column. That thing was beyond help. He did, however, do something many columnists will never even consider.

He admitted he was wrong.

From Bill's reader Tracy D.:

"In your column on Wednesday, you said that you didn't care if your roofers had green cards. This says two things about you. You're not prejudiced against illegal immigrants. Your job is not threatened by illegal immigrants.

"If as many of these illegal immigrants were coming to the U.S. to be journalists as are coming to do construction work, I think you would have a different opinion, but then I wouldn't know your opinion because I'd be reading a column written by an illegal immigrant who was willing to work for less than half of your salary with no benefits. You, on the other hand, would be in the unemployment line wondering why other Americans didn't care if their columnists had green cards."

I read that and thought, HA! OOO, BILL! Whaddya say to THAT?

That certainly put things in a different light. I read that note, and thought about it, and admitted to myself that Tracy was 100 percent right.

He goes on to write a very solid and interesting column. Read it here. If he keeps up this kind of writing, we may have to invite him to join the Daily Grego staff!

*Imagines Bill handing in oily, typewritten sheets of parchment paper*

...Naaah.

Geraldo Rivera - Blogger?

2007-05-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

Making fun of Geraldo is like taking candy from a baby...nay, a dead baby. However, the guy loves putting himself out there, even though he has to know that everyone thinks he's a retard.

Geraldo.com is actually a blog, titled "Geraldo: Horizons." I think it should be called "Blograldo," but that's just me. Check out the sailboat logo...I envision the mustached one riding atop a mast during a hurricane, taunting God, Lieutenant Dan-style: "COME AND GET ME, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!?!?!?!" Anyway, Geraldo's latest post covers an array of topics. Let's take a look.

Sorry I've been so long away.

Oh, Geraldo. It's OK, buddy. We know you've been busy.

Life gets so busy with so many public and private events competing for center stage in the heart and mind that it is easy to avoid doing the optional in favor of doing just the mandatory.

There's a stage in Geraldo's heart and mind, and it has a center, where all those public and private events want to be. Backstage, groupies and fellow war correspondents drink cocktails, smoke cigars, and play card games around small tables. At the center of each table: A small, hand-carved, wooden sailboat.

Let's start with the death of the incomparable Kurt Vonnegut.

Let's! Actually, Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author. Incomparable indeed.

Along with Rand, Forester, Tolstoy, and Tolkien, Vonnegut's writings helped shape my world.

OK, incomparable, except for the fact that, along with these authors, he shaped Geraldo's world. I'm going to ballpark it and say that Tolkien shaped Geraldo's world the most. He lives in a fantasy, with homo-erotic little people, "debates" with Bill O'Reilly, Afghan machine gun fire whizzing past his temples, and a mustache so venerable that it will have its own funeral when he dies.

Kurt was the first famous person I really knew. As a young reporter for 'Eyewitness News' in New York in 1971, I met and married his beautiful daughter Edith Vonnegut, a brilliant artist in her own right.

"He was the first famous person I really knew, not counting myself."

Edith Vonnegut divorced Geraldo in 1975.

Hanging around Kurt at the family's home in Barnstable Massachusetts was a treat for someone as socially and esthetically ignorant as I was.

You don't say? Geraldo, have you ever watched a tape of one of your interviews?

OK, so he's covered Vonnegut's death. What's next?

Bill O'Reilly and I had a real slugfest a couple of weeks ago.

From a beloved author to a universally despised pundit!

Without rehashing the argument over whether the chaos, pain and loss inflicted by an illegal alien's drunk driving is any worse than a legal resident's drunk driving, I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited, and proof that Fox News is not the ideologically limited or slanted organization some of our critics narrow-mindedly allege.

"I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited...."

Wait a second, what were you and Wild Bill doing, again?

Oh, OK. You and Bill argued about illegal aliens. Yada yada. Yeah, that proves it: Fox News really is fair and balanced.

All righty, that was quick. Nothing more about Bill O'Reilly. What's next?

Now to Virginia Tech...

Gah!

...where the malignant loner Cho Seung-Hui emerges as a prototypical mass murderer, unnaturally quiet, socially awkward, picked-on, and harboring a festering fury that he unleashed on the innocent.

In describing the Virginia Tech killer, Geraldo Rivera gave himself an adjective-induced orgasm.

This wasn't the ultimate 'Revenge of the Nerds'. The reason that series of films and similar stories became so popular is that the underdog gets his day by turning the tables on the bully.

Thank you, G, for pointing this out. People who asserted that the VT massacre was "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque were WRONG! You go, man!

For the next 2 or 3 paragraphs, Geraldo talks about Virginia gun laws, how Cho shouldn't have been able to get his hands on a gun, and so on. Pretty serious stuff. Then he switches topics. What's next, G?

And I'm still reeling from the outrageous telephone message that Alec Baldwin meant only for his 11-year old daughter, Ireland, to hear...but today, the angry, threatening words are being heard around the world after the voicemail was leaked to the press.

"The Commonwealth of Virginia needs to get with it! The massacre would have been prevented, if not for the irrational adherence to the second amendment! And I'm SHOCKED that the dastardly Alec Baldwin uttered such despicable, hatred-laden words to his angelic 11-year old daughter!"

More than two-minutes in length, the dreadful diatribe is laced with insults and even, what seems the threat of violence.

Out of curiosity, I listened to the message. It was fucking hilarious!

As the father of a girl the same age as Ireland, I am stunned by Baldwin's words and believe they verge on child abuse.

According to Wikipedia, Geraldo is going to be 64 in July, meaning, he knocked someone up at the tender age of 52. Wowie wow wow!

Admittedly, the message comes in the midst of the prolonged, public, ugly, custody fight over the 11-year old between Baldwin and ex-wife, Kim Bassinger.

Why is the word "admittedly" necessary in this sentence?

Her spokeswoman says the message speaks for itself.

She's right.

I think it speaks to the fact that Alec Baldwin is really funny! Have you seen 30 Rock, G?

And so it goes.

Geraldo, I've read Slaughterhouse-Five. In it, Vonnegut uses the simple phrase "so it goes" to transition from subject to subject. It is an effective, innovative technique. You're paying homage to him (who you say you were close to) by using the phrase in a blog entry that went from "Virginia Tech : Holy shit!" to "Alec Baldwin : Phone message!" without a legitimate transitional phrase. Unless, of course, "and" fits the bill. So it goes!

The Travels of Marc Kozak

2007-05-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

College kid guest-writing for professional newspaper. A breath of fresh air, right?

ENNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

(That's the Grego buzzer.)

A road trip — and a lesson in regional stereotypes

The two go hand in hand. It will be interesting to see which stereotypes you discuss. Racial? Political? Cultural? Such possibilities!

I always thought St. Louis was a real city until I went to school near Chicago. Invariably, after telling anyone where I was from, I got the same reaction: "St. Louis? Whaddaya got, that big arc, right? You gotta farm in the backyard? Geez, Mike, this guy wouldn't last a day on the Southside. Get me a pop, wouldya?"

Oh. This is going to make me mad, isn't it?

After pausing briefly to wonder what pop was, I resolved to label everyone from Chicago an obnoxious moron. Yes, this was very mature of me, but hey, they started it.

Marc Kozak, pausing, thinking, pondering stereotypes: "Wait. What the fuck is pop???" If you're on a lucrative television quiz show, and you have one lifeline left, and it's a moderately tough question and the answer is just teetering, tantalizing you on the very tippiest tip of your tongue... don't use your phone-a-friend to call Marc Kozak. Just go with your gut instinct. Or a wild, flying hunch. Marc will be fucking stumped.

The pop vs. soda debate was funny freshman year. Marc, you'd better be a freshman.

A few months later, someone tricked me into actually visiting the Windy City for the first time, and I was overwhelmed. There I was in the middle of a sprawl of impossibly tall buildings, absurd traffic pile-ups and incomprehensible train schedules. I felt lost. I felt insignificant. I felt like I was in the Jetsons.

Gawsh! Lesson #2 in regional stereotypes: frumpy St. Louis bumpkins are flabbergasted by tall buildings. And trains? What are those?!

I could see how somehow who grew up in the middle of that kind of madness would see me as a country mouse to his city mouse. So they weren't morons at all; they obviously just had not been to St. Louis or anywhere else south of Interstate 80.

Guarantee you Marc looked on Mapquest to find a good reference-point highway to use in this column. After all, this is the guy who finds train schedules "incomprehensible."

I thought about it and had to admit that I, too, had preconceived notions about people from parts of the country where I've never been. That changed after I spent a few weeks traveling around the country with my band, Bottle of Justus.

AH. Let the understanding begin! A voyage of musical discovery with Marc's Bottle of Crap.

(Incidentally, Marc's name doesn't appear anywhere on the band's Web site. I'm pretty sure it's the right one, as both Marc and this particular Bottle of Justus claim to hail from Illinois State University.)

But let's continue. I have to practice with my band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in about 45 minutes.

The mountain states were beautiful, as expected. What wasn't expected were the other six guys in the van stopping to take pictures of every other canyon. Their photo albums must be riveting.

Anti-regional stereotype lesson #3: Canyons are pretty, but boring?

(Did I read the headline wrong? Maybe instead of a "lesson" in overcoming regional stereotypes, this is more of a rundown of possible... things you can believe about several different areas of the U.S. OK, let's think of it that way. I'll try anything.)

Sometimes I think everyone my age feels obliged to move to Los Angeles. I thought I'd understand it once I got there, but I didn't at all. Everyone you meet immediately asks you what you do and then tells you how they are vaguely associated with a celebrity. I was actually talking to a guy when he stopped dead and said, "Hey, isn't that the drummer from Foreigner?"

"No. Back to me. Over here. So like I said, I'm the lead singer for this band, Bottle of Justus, and we just finished touring with Van Halen. Yeah, my name's not on the Web site yet because I have to clear some things with my agent. Anyway, do you know of any place where rock musicians can party in this town? And, like, stay overnight for free? And eat? Hey, where are you going?"

When I said anything about home, the people I was talking to instantly assumed that I'd come to L.A. to escape the boredom of the Midwest; they assured me it was "so much better out here."

They assumed this because I told them I was overwhelmed by tall buildings and couldn't understand the subway system.

If you've never been to Las Vegas, it's exactly what you think it's like. When I mentioned St. Louis, it instantly made some people happy, as they "won a ton of money on them in the World Series." I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.

Allow me to point out something here:

I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.

What this tells us is that Marc is accustomed to writing cutesy columns that his mom can read; presumably he's written for his college newspaper. Furthermore, when he says she reads "these things," we deduce that this is one in a series of columns that he's published. Marc Kozak: submitting crap he wrote for a college paper to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

This column is not good enough for the Post-Dispatch. Did I really just say that? Not good enough for the Post-Dispatch.

The desert states were as I had envisioned them: hot and barren for the most part. The only signs of life we saw in New Mexico were at scattered gas stations, and at one, strangely enough, we met some very lost people from Alton.

You are really broadening my fucking horizons with this anti-stereotypical column, Marc! Why don't you write a paragraph about Mormons in Utah?

Some of my stereotypes of Texas were confirmed, as our crossing of the border was followed closely by the appearance of Longhorns, Outbacks, Lonestars and Riley's Bar-B-Q & Rockin' Steakhouse. Kids my age tend to make a lot of jokes about the South, but I found that it's really no different from anywhere else, except that when I asked for a Coke, I was asked "What kind?"

This is getting dumber and dumber. Please stop. Who decided to print this? Does Marc's dad know someone on the P-D editorial board? PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, READING THIS SHIT.

If you're writing about regional stereotypes, or whatever the fuck it is that you're writing about, you should actually address some of the more interesting ones. Not "Texas has lots of steakhouses."

20 bucks says when the waitress asked Marc what kind of Coke he wanted, he just stared ahead blankly -- as if reading a subway map -- and muttered incomprehensibly. Give him a break, he just learned what "pop" means.

I still haven't made it to the East Coast; I'm hoping to get there this summer. In the meantime, you don't want to know how I picture New York.

Probably like some magical land with escalating skyscrapers and flying school buses and secret, undecodable bus schedules.

Here's my point: If you ever find yourself out of town in a conversation about St. Louis with someone who hasn't been here, your reaction may be just as revealing as theirs.

Yeah, and you've been such a wonderful fucking ambassador thus far. Please, move to Iowa.

*Iowa crinkles nose*

Wait, though. Here's MY point. You just wrote an entire fucking pointless column about traipsing around the country, peppered it with "humorous" little anecdotes about meaningless, insignificant stereotypes and then tacked on a little "moral to the story" at the end, à la Aesop. Well, wasn't that easy! Forget columns; maybe you should write a fucking book next time!

Seriously, how did you get this published? Who reads something like this and thinks, "Ah. Journalism."?

No one does. No one. Except... well... oh, yeah. I forgot.

Your mom reads these things.

Readers Ask Questions, Jeff Gordon Gives Bad Answers

2007-05-14T13:05:00.000-07:00

...Well, one bad answer. The Post-Dispatch's Jeff Gordon is usually pretty good. In today's "Q&A" section, he gave a shitty answer.

Peter asks: Do you think the Cards should or will open the vault for once and go sign a high end outfielder this offseason, like a Bobby Abreu, or Carl Crawford?

Jeff Gordon: The media will put lots of pressure on DeWitt Care, as Bernie puts it, to land another cornerstone offensive player. What about Torii Hunter? He'll cost in excess of $100 million, but he would be a great successor to Edmonds. (This assumes that Edmonds will retire if he never gets going this season. If he ends up hitting, the Cards will want him to finish out that second contract year.) Crawford would be a fabulous leadoff hitter with some power, too. The bidding on him would be fierce. I have mixed feelings on Abreu, who isn't playing up to his salary.

Jeff, Torii Hunter is a league average hitter. He's flashy in the outfield, and makes some incredible plays. But still...his career OBP is .324; his career OPS+ is 103. According to baseball-reference, similar batters to Hunter include Preston Wilson, Juan Encarnacion, Jacque Jones, Richard Hidalgo, Jim Ray Hart, and Glenallen Hill. He's also going to be 32 in July. For $100 million, this would be a terrible signing. The Cubs need a center fielder; let them overpay for him. God knows they like to give loads of money to guys with shitty OBPs.

Quite Frankly, Stephen A. Smith Is Clueless

2007-05-13T23:15:00.000-07:00

Stephen A. Smith is a small, loud, often wrong, and black. His sole purpose as a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer is to remind us of his blackness as often as possible. Today's Stephen A column covers the plight of the disenfranchised black athlete; as you read the blurbs I've decided to make fun of, read aloud in your best Stephen A. Smith voice.

By the way, I always wonder why Stephen uses his middle initial. My best guess is that he wants to distinguish himself from the 2843984382 Steve Smiths in the NFL, or the former Hawks (and a few other teams) guard. However, the "A" is kind of pretentious. I would sympathize if he had the same name as a famous NBA player, but damnit, Stephen A...making fun of a guy who calls himself "Magic A. Johnson" or "Kareem A. Abdul-Jabbar" would be awesome. Anyway, here we go with the bad article.

The site was the historic Morehouse College last week. The panel discussion was hosted by famed film director Spike Lee. The subject: the black athlete and the reporters who cover him. And as a bunch of notable figures in sports sat on this panel - Alonzo Mourning, C. Vivian Stringer, Jim Brown and myself included - bantering about issues stigmatizing African American athletes and the communities they come from, the one inescapable thought turned out to be the most appropriate - and the most uncomfortable.

I love how Stephen sets the scene: "THE SITE...THE PANEL DISCUSSION...THE SUBJECT...ALONZO MOURNING...JIM BROWN....ME." So, what is this inescapable, appropriate, and...uncomfortable thought?

We still have not recovered from the O.J. Simpson trial.

Actually, I think Nicole Simpson had it coming. Wait, is O.J. black?

It's still too easy to blame the media for images created by the actions of the modern-day athlete. It's convenient to point out the lack of positive information draping the front pages of news outlets throughout this country. Meanwhile, we learn that Pacman Jones visited a strip club the night before he was suspended by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for the 2007 season in part because of such habits.

Reports are swirling that dogfighting was taking place at the Virginia residence of Michael Vick. We're being inundated with headline news about how Ricky Williams will not be reinstated due to yet another positive test for marijuana.

Stephen, you are right. Those are indiscretions committed by black athletes. I love the first sentence of this bit, though: "IT'S TOO EASY TO BLAME THE MEDIA FOR THESE IMAGES. LET'S GO OVER A FEW RIGHT NOW." Oh, and Space Invaders Jones was not suspended for going to strip clubs. Among other things, it was for like, punching women in the face in strip clubs.

Oh, did I forget to mention that kids are paying attention?

Actually, you did not mention that. I agree though; some kids watch ESPN, and see stories about these events.

The fact is, so is white America.

Stephen is insinuating that "kids" and "white America" are mutually exclusive. Or, maybe he's not. Maybe he's not paying attention while he's writing!

You don't have to be accused of murder to kill a generation of people. You can kill someone's soul or spirit, their hopes and dreams, even their sensibilities. You can do this with misogynistic lyrics, with juvenile behavior. But mainly, with the slightest perception that these athletes are operating with impunity, enabled by the very individuals assigned to enforce justice and decency while making sure our games are played.

Mike Vick: Dogfighter, killer of a generation.

As for the last sentence, um...Pacman Jones is missing an entire year of football for being Pacman Jones. Ricky Williams could miss half a season for smoking pot. It's not like these guys are going unpunished by the league.

Stephen goes on to discuss the views of individual panel members:

Mourning, as charitable and sensible as an athlete comes these days, kept talking of how the "media's negativity" contributes heavily. Etan Thomas of the Washington Wizards piggybacked on that, saying if the press focused more on exemplary works like that of Mourning's foundation and others, image wouldn't be a problem in the NFL or the NBA.

"Thomas, who was missing a few dreadlocks after his 89th fight with fellow black athlete and bad NBA center Brendan Haywood, agreed with Alonzo, who is a far better player, despite being older, and missing a fucking kidney."

Why the hell does he say that Thomas "piggybacked on that," rather than "he agreed." It sounds like Big Etan had no opinion until Alonzo brilliantly said "it's the god damned media!"

But there would be no problems if players were not getting arrested for domestic violence.

Smoke all the crack you want, just don't go beating on your wife!

And while it could easily be pointed out how little emphasis was placed on the death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock, who died in a car accident after having an alcohol level nearly double the legal limit, and how this came in the aftermath of his manager, Tony LaRussa, getting arrested after being found asleep behind the wheel with too much alcohol in his system, that still doesn't solve the problems existing in the black community.

What? They were all over the news! Sports columnists nationwide wrote about the "link" between La Russa and Hancock, or at least the booze-in-the clubhouse issue. Pacman Jones, Vick, and Williams get lots of attention because they keep doing stupid shit. If La Russa got another DUI, it would get MORE attention than what's been given to those guys. Same thing if Josh Hancock hits a tow truck and dies...again.

Because of the last sentence in that paragraph, I'll be scouring through Stephen's archives to see if he ever hits triple digits in words-per-sentence. This one was 78 words. Anyway, point taken; pointing out that the drunken Cardinals duo received less media attention than the black football playing troublemakers would NOT solve the problems in the black community. And I hoped so much that it would. Damn it!

I left the panel discussion hoping the few athletes there would use their long tentacles to make sure their contemporaries got that message. They had better get it quick because time is running out.

Yes, yes. Alonzo and Etan must extend their slimy, suction cup-ridden tentacles to their contemporaries to convey the importance of the message. Stephen A. Smith, your message is clear to us: Black people (especially NBA players) often have really long arms.

Computers: Avoid Bill McClellan

2007-05-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

I never know what to think of Bill McClellan. On one hand, he's likable because he's slobby and down-to-earth and makes rational comments on Donnybrook. On the other, sometimes he writes like Grego on muscle relaxers.

Sometimes you get the feeling that he says outlandishly dumb things just to get people writing letters. We prefer to post ours here. A bit ironic, considering his topic this time. Anyway, vayamos!

Good morning, graduates.

Entire 2007 graduating class, dressed in traditional caps and gowns, sitting indian-style in Bill's office on a bunch of periwinkle blue padded carpet squares:

"GOOD MOORRNING, MR. MCCLELLANNN."

Let's skip all the platitudes about how hard you've worked to get here, and how your education is just beginning and so forth. Instead, I want to warn you about somebody who pretends he's your friend, who claims that he's going to make life easier for you. I would say, "Don't listen to him," but most of you — maybe all of you — already have. You've bought into his lies. At this point, you'll find it very difficult to turn your back on him, but that is my message this morning.

Lemme guess. Your message is... stop reading inane, lazily written newspaper columns.

Turn your back on Hal.

Oh. That.

My generation first met him in "2001: A Space Odyssey." I still get chills when I think of the astronaut saying, "Open the pod doors, Hal." That was in 1968. In those days, an apple was still a fruit. So was a blackberry. There were no laptops, no search engines, nothing like that. There was no MapQuest.

In those days, the only "pod" we knew about was a peapod. It had peas in it. We enjoyed us some Charlie Parker and took in the occasional movin' picture. We didn't need no World Wide Net, no fancy downloadin' e-mails... we surely didn't need none of them cellular telephones that are always hookin' up to the Blue Teeth. Nope. THEM were the days.

It's weak to start a sentence with "There were," "There was," etc. I learned this shit sitting in the back row of some prereq writing class. But I digress.

You're probably thinking that I'm just an old Luddite.

NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

I can hear you talking to yourselves. "Computers make things easier." And yes, they do. But what things? Bad things. They allow you to act out on your basest desires.

After this, I'm going to unleash my wild Internet animal side by googling "Bill McClellan +nursing home +security deposit." BASE DESIRES.

You already know what the hottest sites are on the Internet. Thanks to computers, pornography is a growth industry. And lest you think that, well, that's all about consenting adults and voyeurs, start reading the crime report in the newspaper. Every week, it seems, somebody is getting sentenced for possession of child pornography. I dare say that most of these people would never have ventured into this muck if computers had not made it so easy.

The porn industry was profitable long before computers came around and frightened Bill McClellan. "Every week, it seems, somebody" is caught with kiddie porn? You "dare say"? Bill, this is the part where you do a few minutes' worth of research and find actual "numbers" to support your "claims."

Oh, yeah. You might have to use a computer for that. Anyway...

Fantasy sports! You graduates are too young to remember this, but there was a time when people who wanted to participate in leagues formed bowling teams. It's not that those employees were better workers than today's employees, but you couldn't bowl in your cubicle. You pretty much had to work.

And if you didn't have a computer, it probably took you a long-ass time to get stuff done.

Fantasy sports are a distraction. I'll give you that. But people who play them can afford to do so because they... you know... have a computer. If they were setting their lineups on, like, your 1897 Bradford Movable Typesetting Mechanism, then I can see how they might have time management issues.

And don't get me started on e-mail, perhaps the most insidious "gift" that Hal has given us.

More insidious than the child porn? Geez, it's worse than I thought.

I remember when Charles Jaco lost his job at KMOX because of an intemperate response to a listener's e-mail. Oh, how tempting it is to respond in kind to an insulting e-mail!

Oh, how blissful it is to avoid computers and never receive e-mails in the first place!

Another friend lost his job because of a blog. He was critical of his employer — this newspaper! — in his blog. Bloggers beware!

Smart bloggers blog anonymously. Columnists beware!

I tell you, graduates, you are better off without computers. Use one at work if you have to, but use it as little as possible, and whatever you do, don't have one at home.

Horrible fucking advice.

The nicest graduation present you can get is a typewriter. Hal is not your friend.

The nicest graduation present you can get is a check that pays off all your student loans. The 8,697th best present you can get is a typewriter, but only if it was used by Leslie McFarlane to write the entire Hardy Boys series.

If you received a graduation present from Bill McClellan, send it to our P.O. Box and we will dispose of it for you in a most unceremonious manner.

Think Office Space.

Gregory Orear Likes Drastic Measures

2007-05-12T00:37:00.000-07:00

Gregory Orear is the managing editor for the Kirksville Daily Express. His opinion column, "What's Going On," is an insult to journalism. We've always been offended by Grego's writings, but this one drove us over the edge. Thus, this blog. Let's get started. Greg's words are in bold. He does not like Tony La Russa.

Earlier this spring, Florida police found St. Louis Cardinal manager Tony La Russa passed out in his vehicle at an intersection with his foot on the brake.

He was probably asleep, not “passed out.” Whatever. The end of this sentence is a bit of a quagmire, no? OK, so at least Grego spelled “La Russa” correctly. This is the best sentence of this column. It only gets worse from here, so put on your safety belts!

With a blood alcohol content of .09, La Russa was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.

He was charged with a DUI. That is the name of his offense in that jurisdiction. A professional journalist should be on top of this. GREGORY OREAR: Not on top of this.

A few hours later, before issuing an apology or even admitting his guilt, he walked onto the field for a spring training game and was greeted by the ambivalent Cardinal fans with a standing ovation.

Gregory Orear would have booed and hissed. Ironically, someone would then throw a beer at him. Ouch!

I'm not a parent, but I have no earthly idea what I would tell my young son or daughter if we had attended that game.

Son or daughter? Wouldn't it be easier to say "my child?" That sounds better. Greg, did you attend college?

"Daddy, why are they cheering and standing for the manager?"

Grego’s train of thought when typing this bit: “I want some fucking kids!”

"Well, he got arrested for drunk driving last night."

Grego knows that the “ambivalent Cardinal fans” weren’t cheering him for his arrest; rather, they cheered to show their support for a successful manager who had a spotless record until the night before. You know, like what normal people do. Should they have booed, hissed, and thrown octopi onto the field?

"But daddy, isn't that dangerous, against the law and wrong?"

Grego anticipates having retarded children. Like father, like son...or daughter.

"Um, normally."

Daddy's funny and sarcastic!

Now, a few days after a St. Louis Cardinal pitcher died when he drove his SUV into the back of a tow truck, it appears that same mixed message permeated far beyond the minds of nonexistent children.

Good columnists speak in an active voice. Gregory Orear speaks in what I call a “passive-passive-oh-my-god-he’s-licking-that-man’s-feet-because-they-look-dirty” voice.

According to autopsy results, at the time of the accident, Josh Hancock had a blood alcohol content of .15, nearly twice the legal limit. He also had a small amount of marijuana in the car, but further toxicology tests will have to determine if he was under the influence of that drug as well.

Just a minute ago, Grego said Josh Hancock was driving an SUV. In this paragraph, he was driving a car. Gregory Orear has more loose ends to tie than...well, the 2007 St. Louis Cardinals.

Regardless, Hancock had apparently exhibited this type of behavior in the past.

Dying in an automobile accident is a type of behavior? What the fuck? At this point in the article, Greg has not mentioned a single behavior of Josh Hancock.

Three days before this accident, Hancock was involved in another wreck in the wee hours of the morning outside an Illinois strip club. Complaining of a hangover, he allegedly showed up late to the clubhouse the next day.

Allegedly? No. He DID show up late to the clubhouse. Now, Grego, your passive voice is covering up facts. Also, it's more professional to say "early," rather than "wee."

As horrible and saddening this tragedy may be, it should not surprise us. In a society in which DWI laws are routinely pleaded away to lesser offenses and managers are applauded for violating those laws, why should we expect anything different?

(Guy in a crowd): “We live in a society where people have heart attacks and die all the damned time, often without any warning signs! If you ain’t surprised that DK died in ’02 from a heart attack, say yeyyyeeahh!”

Gregory Orear: “Presumably, I am not surprised!”

Uh, Greg..this IS a horrible and saddening tragedy. You said that it "may" be. Stop being a sissy!

By not disciplining La Russa for his behavior, the Cardinal organization on some levels condoned it and certainly did not send a message to the players and coaches that these transgressions will not be accepted.

Instead, it sent a message, on some levels, that these transgressions need to happen more often, since it was not embarrassing for La Russa, Walt Jocketty, and the rest of the organization. Grego, grow some balls, seriously. You sound like a candy ass.

But this is the same organization, formerly owned by a brewery, that until Friday afternoon, regularly included free alcohol with its post-game meals for players. Maybe they thought that after drinking their fill of free beer, these players call cabs or rub a genie bottle for a magic carpet ride because it is apparent they preferred to turn a blind eye to this problem until it was too late.

Most baseball organizations provide free alcohol after games. Grego, quit singling the Cardinals out for this. Are you a Cubs fan? I have a copy of the Post-Dispatch (a real fucking newspaper) with an article noting that fewer than a dozen beers are consumed during these post-game meals. Do the math. It’s not exactly a wild, fuck-Spiezio’s-hot-wife fiesta, is it?

Josh Hancock turned a blind eye to his personal problem of driving drunk before it was too late. That had nothing to do with the actions of any Cardinals player, or their manager.

While nothing can be done to undo this tragedy, something can be done to prevent it from happening in the future. They need to send a crystal clear message to players, and that would be done by one simple act: fire Tony La Russa.

Yes, “the future,” as opposed to “the past,” or “during the Civil War.” Firing a Major League manager because one of his players got drunk and drove into a tow truck is simple? Grego, you should do it yourself!

Forget about setting a good example and realize that, as manager of a major league baseball team, it is La Russa's job to develop and protect the million-dollar assets the team owner's entrust to him.

Basically, Greg is saying that La Russa should be the team's professional chauffeur. Either that, or he thinks La Russa should be on hand when his players are constipated: "Come on So, you can do it! Just squeeze my hands and push!"

La Russa did nothing while Hancock apparently exhibited destructive and eventually suicidal behavior. If Hancock developed an addiction to narcotics, which in turn affected his on-field performance, and La Russa about it and did nothing, he should be held responsible.

Um, he didn’t smash his SUV into that tow truck on purpose, asshole. Also, Hancock was fined for being late to the game three days before. Standard procedure.

AN ADDICTION TO NARCOTICS? ATTENTION: JOSH HANCOCK WAS A HEROIN ADDICT. READ ALL ABOUT IT IN THE KIRKSVILLE DAILY EXPRESS!

La Russa failed in his role as a manager. The problem isn't winning and losing, but managing the team and clubhouse.

Right. He should tuck every Cardinal into bed at night, not just David Eckstein. Grego, your article would have merit if if La Russa were managing the Kirksville Little League's Four Horizons Realty team. Oh, and if you knew how to put sentences together coherently.

He failed to deal with this situation until it was too late. And why? Because when the same thing happened to him, he got a standing ovation and a voice of support from management.

If the same thing happened to Tony La Russa, he would be dead. Do you see what I mean about putting sentences together? Jeez!

For him to have done anything different would make him a hypocrite.

So you’re saying he’s not a hypocrite? Wait..what the fuck?

And that's why he has to go.

“He has to go, because, for him to have done anything different than what he did would make him a hypocrite.”

About us... and Grego

2007-05-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

Let's do that thing where we pretend someone is actually asking questions about our site. Cool? Cool. So...

What's with the URL? Who's Grego?

Grego is Gregory Orear, managing editor of the Kirksville (Mo.) Daily Express. As current/former members of the cocklewarming 'ville community, we've been exposed to Grego's paper for quite some time. We just can't take it anymore.

If you're going to get to know us, you're going to have to get to know Grego first.

He's a bad editor. His own columns are full of errors. He writes weird sentences full of cockamamie ideas. He doesn't seem to do much research. These are not the kinds of things you should expect from grown "newspaper men." His semi-regular column is called What's Going On. It's the type of article that actually makes you wonder what the fuck is going on.

He's why we're here.

It's too easy to make fun of his last name, Orear, but we couldn't resist emphasizing it in the URL. Why? Well, first of all, he's an inspiration, in the sense that a bulbous growth on your ass can "inspire" you to go get it lanced. More importantly, though... we like to think that Mr. What's Going On has two personalities: (1) Greg Orear, a moderately well-educated print journalist with an unassuming, level head, and (2) Grego Rear, the fucking idiot who shows up to work every morning and runs the local newspaper.

Hence... grego-rear.blogspot.com.

Anyway. G's probably a hell of a nice guy. We have zero nasty things to say about him as a person. ...OK, we have a few, but only because his work offends us so. Neither of us have met the dude, nor do we plan on meeting him. If we did, we'd be glad to throw down a few beers with him. Anonymously, of course. We don't want him calling us the next day.

But this isn't about one person. Grego is a mere dingleberry on the broad, expansive taint of shitty journalism. Silly columnists and reporters are as common as they are overweight. For every Chris Hitchens, there're a hundred Gregos. Thank Gutenberg for that.

Still. We don't mean to mock the wide flow of information in this country. The more newspapers, the better. Really. Our world is a better place because of journalists, even the not-so-great ones.

We don't even mean to suggest that we could do a better job, at least not every day. Plenty of appreciation for a tough job, here. Plenty. Doesn't mean we can't make fun of the folks who suck at it. Essentially, we don't think so many "journalists" should get away with so much typewritten bullshit. That's what college is for.

So, to answer your question, Grego is a bad newspaper editor who inspired us to start a blog criticizing bad journalism.

Thanks, that answer was too long. Who are you?

Collegish guys. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed all-American boys. Not in a gay sort of way, though. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not like...

OK, didn't care that much anyway. Isn't this a ripoff of firejoemorgan.com?

Absolutely. We've loved that site ever since its inception in 1881, and this little ol' thing is clearly modeled after it. And by 'modeled,' we mean 'blatantly copied.' Layout, style, general concept... check, check, check. We hope the FJM guys take it as a compliment, although we're sure they're tired of the flattery by now. Our site is an homage, a tribute, a celebration.

At least we didn't call it "Fire Greg Orear."

(We thought about it.)

The difference between us and FJM is that FJM focuses almost exclusively on baseball-related articles. It works for them, and that's an understatement. They have that niche fucking cornered. Cornered. Bravo.

We, on the other hand, we are going to look at a variety of things. You never know what Grego's going to write, so really... we don't have much choice. Sport will certainly find its way onto the site -- when we have something to say about it. We're not going to limit ourselves, though; at least not yet. We're going to take note of the everyday news articles and opinion columns that defy common sense and share them with anyone who slips, falls on the computer and accidentally reads our blog. We hope to be funny, but we also hope to be stimulating.

If nothing else, we hope to become famous as all fucking hell.

So I guess we should probably get started.