Generally, people who spout off about how much they love freedom don't actually give a shit about freedom. Or, they misinterpret it. Joyce S., who writes to the Warrenton Journal, is a good example of this.
The United States of America!
Yay! America!
Though young in years compared to other nations, much wisdom was shown in its establishment.
I agree. Joyce, tell us how this is true!
Our founding fathers believed in the possibilities of a free nation of people who would elect their own leaders and have freedom of worship.
Yeah, something like that.
How fortunate we are that our founding fathers gave us these privileges. Our government is set up so that if we don't like those who are leading our nation, all we have to do is wait for the next election.
Eh, it's a little more complicated than that. After all, George Bush is still in office, and no one outside of culture expert Anne Garcia really likes him. But Joyce, your space is limited, so whatever.
We have the freedom to choose what we do with our lives, where we live and where we work.
Some people have more freedom than others. Differences in socioeconomic status, culture, and so on mean that freedom is not really inherent. Still, limited space!
But our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship God according to His will.
Clunk. That was the sound of Thomas Jefferson punching himself in the sack. Joyce, shouldn't that read "our most cherished freedom is the freedom to worship whoever da fuck we want"???????????
Or, how about this - our most cherished freedom is the freedom to cherish our freedoms at varying degrees, as we want to cherish them. Cherish cherish cherish.
So this Fourth of July, let's stop and thank God for the freedoms we enjoy, and let's work hard in order to keep them.
Joyce - let's call you "J-Diddy" - you're free to thank God for these freedoms, but I'm just as free to thank Albert Pujols for them. That's freedom.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Are you there, God? It's me, Anne T. Garcia
Presenting...
SEXTALK WITH ANNE!
Just kidding. You guys know Anne. Please bow your heads.
It seems like President George W. Bush hasn't been able to catch a break.
Ever feel like you're having one of those presidencies?
The war goes from bad to worse, his poll numbers plummet and now the immigration issue is dividing the Republican Party.
And Anne expects Bush to "catch a break" about any of these things?
1. No one is going to be catching any "breaks" about the Iraq war anytime soon, as if it were simply a mismanaged banana stand.
2. Poll numbers plummet when people don't like the things you do. How exactly would anyone "catch a break" there? Perhaps by doing different things?
3. One might say that any division caused by the immigration issue (or any issue within either party) is a good thing, if only because it means politicians aren't all toeing the party line. Shouldn't the Republican party be pretty fucking divided, all things considered? What "break" should we give George Bush to make him feel better?
The libs salivate over the prospect of taking back the presidency, while holding on the both houses of Congress. Their dream agenda in that longed for era includes retreat from Iraq, higher taxes to redistribute the wealth and socialized medicine, which by the way, has been a dismal failure in Europe.
Longed-for era. Higher taxes for rich people. Free health care. Sounds cool!
You know what's been a great success in Europe? David Hasselhoff.
Anne, though... seriously. I tire of this secular commentary. WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ALMIGHTY?
But buckle your seat belts you left wing aficionados, it's all about to change. It's summer of 2007 and God is blessing America as never before.
I imagine that part being read by the guy who does all the movie trailers.
Many Christians have been aware for years that President Bush has to be blessed by God. It is simply a Biblical principle. If you submit to God, if you are humble and if you seek His face and pray, you will be blessed.
I know our throngs of readers come here to read hilarious commentary, but let's be serious here for a second. Really. This paragraph is just something that can't be ignored. It frightens me. It contains something so unconstitutional and despotism-ridden, I shudder and... perhaps... yes, I actually convulse as I reread it.
You don't capitalize "his" in AP style. God!
(Oh, and being "blessed by God" is like something straight out of King George's diary.)
Faulty political advisers notwithstanding, President Bush has modeled his life before the world as a practicing Christian. He must therefore reap what he has sown.
Agreed. Reap, George, reap. (But somebody give him a break in the meantime!)
Religious lunacy, untruthfulness and faulty logic notwithstanding, Anne T. Garcia has modeled her life after that of a newspaper columnist.
In our Tuesday morning prayer group we have been praying for a "spiritual Midway" in America for months. The Battle of Midway was the turning point in the war in the Pacific during World War II.
Now that the Daily Grego has the day and time of Anne T. Garcia's weekly prayer group, we will be scouring her future columns tirelessly, searching for clues revealing the location.
And then we're going to show up dressed as Barbara Bush and Enid Strict.
We are praying that America will turn around now, not only in its war against terror, but also in its war against sin. Bill O'Reilly calls it a culture war, but it's actually a war against the power of hell itself.
You know it's getting deep when Bill O'Reilly won't even fucking say it.
O'Reilly Factor Producer: Bill, here are the talking points for today's segment. War against the power of hell itself, that kind of thing.
Bill O'Reilly: *skims materials*
...I can't say this horseshit! I'll look like a fanatic!
God's signature characteristic, His proof that He is God, is that He knows and tells the future. If you are at all plugged into Biblical prophecy, you know that we are in a watershed moment in history of the planet.
I like how God has a "signature characteristic," like he's a sofa designer or something. Also, how do I get "plugged in" to Biblical prophecy? Lately all I've been getting is sports highlights and porn.
In May 2006 I received a mailer from internationally renowned evangelist Benny Hinn. It was entitled "5 Things That Will Happen Before Jesus Christ Returns." They are: The restoration of Israel, Russia's rise, Europe becoming a super power, worldwide lawlessness and then history's greatest outpouring.
If you're at all plugged into the internationally renowned evangelist community, you know Benny Hinn is the David Letterman of Messiah-related signs.
If you read many of the nationally syndicated columnists who appear in newspapers across the country, you know all of them frequently cite bulk rate "mailers" as reliable sources.
Also... worldwide lawlessness? Compared to when?
The first four of those points are in play and have been well chronicled in this column and elsewhere. Watching the evening news gives us a clear sense that we are in "the beginning of sorrows"(Matthew 24:7&8). These birth pangs will ultimately usher in the return of the Lord.
Yes, yes. Watching the evening news 600 years ago, you would have gotten the sense that things were actually quite nice!
This is quite remarkable for me to read, to be honest. Seriously. People think suicide bombings, violent homicides and natural disasters are the "birth pangs" of Jesus II? Remind me to take cover when God starts having contractions.
We have now arrived at the time of the greatest outpouring of God's power in history. It is no accident that the invention of videotape, satellite TV, cell phones and Internet access preceded the great harvest at the end of the age. God is using these vehicles to reach every tribe, tongue, nation and people.
Yes, yes! Yes! God's work, performed through the magic of Nextel. Holy Motorazrs falling from the heavens into the hands of unruly aborigines in the most primitive, untamed crevasses of wild bush. Millions of otherwise hedonistic peons using the Internet each day, not to access pornography or blog irresponsibly, but to digest God's word.
The last, ultimate Biblical sign of Christ's second coming is, like, the iPhone?
Those who are plugged into what prophetic voices in the body of Christ are saying can see it coming. There is already a mighty move of God in the prison system. Young people are turning away from the hedonism of the previous generation. Why do you think the military continually exceeds its enlistment quotas, even during this violent war?
Oh, I don't know... maybe because every branch and twig of this nation's military funnels enormous resources toward recruiting kids? Anyone with half a brain knows this. And weren't those enlistment numbers down not too long ago, anyway?
I'll tell you what. A lot of young people are enlisting in the military for one of two main reasons:
1. God is coming
2. Recruiters tell them they'll get paid to blow stuff up and women will dig it
Take your pick.
There are spiritual changes going on right now in Monroe County. God is raising up Christians who will cause the light of God to shine into the hearts of lost people. Again it's important to keep your eye on the younger generation.
We older American are their support troops. We labor over them and with them in prayer.
In... the Knights of Columbus building on Sentinel Street? The VFW Auxiliary Post off Highway 91? Your wallpapered basement on Eucharist Drive? Please, just a hint!
As for the forces of darkness, their power is already receding as the Holy Spirit sweeps through America in revival. For those who hate America, this summer will be the summer of their discontent.
Aw. We can't seem to catch a break!
SEXTALK WITH ANNE!
Just kidding. You guys know Anne. Please bow your heads.
It seems like President George W. Bush hasn't been able to catch a break.
Ever feel like you're having one of those presidencies?
The war goes from bad to worse, his poll numbers plummet and now the immigration issue is dividing the Republican Party.
And Anne expects Bush to "catch a break" about any of these things?
1. No one is going to be catching any "breaks" about the Iraq war anytime soon, as if it were simply a mismanaged banana stand.
2. Poll numbers plummet when people don't like the things you do. How exactly would anyone "catch a break" there? Perhaps by doing different things?
3. One might say that any division caused by the immigration issue (or any issue within either party) is a good thing, if only because it means politicians aren't all toeing the party line. Shouldn't the Republican party be pretty fucking divided, all things considered? What "break" should we give George Bush to make him feel better?
The libs salivate over the prospect of taking back the presidency, while holding on the both houses of Congress. Their dream agenda in that longed for era includes retreat from Iraq, higher taxes to redistribute the wealth and socialized medicine, which by the way, has been a dismal failure in Europe.
Longed-for era. Higher taxes for rich people. Free health care. Sounds cool!
You know what's been a great success in Europe? David Hasselhoff.
Anne, though... seriously. I tire of this secular commentary. WHAT DOES ALL THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE ALMIGHTY?
But buckle your seat belts you left wing aficionados, it's all about to change. It's summer of 2007 and God is blessing America as never before.
I imagine that part being read by the guy who does all the movie trailers.
Many Christians have been aware for years that President Bush has to be blessed by God. It is simply a Biblical principle. If you submit to God, if you are humble and if you seek His face and pray, you will be blessed.
I know our throngs of readers come here to read hilarious commentary, but let's be serious here for a second. Really. This paragraph is just something that can't be ignored. It frightens me. It contains something so unconstitutional and despotism-ridden, I shudder and... perhaps... yes, I actually convulse as I reread it.
You don't capitalize "his" in AP style. God!
(Oh, and being "blessed by God" is like something straight out of King George's diary.)
Faulty political advisers notwithstanding, President Bush has modeled his life before the world as a practicing Christian. He must therefore reap what he has sown.
Agreed. Reap, George, reap. (But somebody give him a break in the meantime!)
Religious lunacy, untruthfulness and faulty logic notwithstanding, Anne T. Garcia has modeled her life after that of a newspaper columnist.
In our Tuesday morning prayer group we have been praying for a "spiritual Midway" in America for months. The Battle of Midway was the turning point in the war in the Pacific during World War II.
Now that the Daily Grego has the day and time of Anne T. Garcia's weekly prayer group, we will be scouring her future columns tirelessly, searching for clues revealing the location.
And then we're going to show up dressed as Barbara Bush and Enid Strict.
We are praying that America will turn around now, not only in its war against terror, but also in its war against sin. Bill O'Reilly calls it a culture war, but it's actually a war against the power of hell itself.
You know it's getting deep when Bill O'Reilly won't even fucking say it.
O'Reilly Factor Producer: Bill, here are the talking points for today's segment. War against the power of hell itself, that kind of thing.
Bill O'Reilly: *skims materials*
...I can't say this horseshit! I'll look like a fanatic!
God's signature characteristic, His proof that He is God, is that He knows and tells the future. If you are at all plugged into Biblical prophecy, you know that we are in a watershed moment in history of the planet.
I like how God has a "signature characteristic," like he's a sofa designer or something. Also, how do I get "plugged in" to Biblical prophecy? Lately all I've been getting is sports highlights and porn.
In May 2006 I received a mailer from internationally renowned evangelist Benny Hinn. It was entitled "5 Things That Will Happen Before Jesus Christ Returns." They are: The restoration of Israel, Russia's rise, Europe becoming a super power, worldwide lawlessness and then history's greatest outpouring.
If you're at all plugged into the internationally renowned evangelist community, you know Benny Hinn is the David Letterman of Messiah-related signs.
If you read many of the nationally syndicated columnists who appear in newspapers across the country, you know all of them frequently cite bulk rate "mailers" as reliable sources.
Also... worldwide lawlessness? Compared to when?
The first four of those points are in play and have been well chronicled in this column and elsewhere. Watching the evening news gives us a clear sense that we are in "the beginning of sorrows"(Matthew 24:7&8). These birth pangs will ultimately usher in the return of the Lord.
Yes, yes. Watching the evening news 600 years ago, you would have gotten the sense that things were actually quite nice!
This is quite remarkable for me to read, to be honest. Seriously. People think suicide bombings, violent homicides and natural disasters are the "birth pangs" of Jesus II? Remind me to take cover when God starts having contractions.
We have now arrived at the time of the greatest outpouring of God's power in history. It is no accident that the invention of videotape, satellite TV, cell phones and Internet access preceded the great harvest at the end of the age. God is using these vehicles to reach every tribe, tongue, nation and people.
Yes, yes! Yes! God's work, performed through the magic of Nextel. Holy Motorazrs falling from the heavens into the hands of unruly aborigines in the most primitive, untamed crevasses of wild bush. Millions of otherwise hedonistic peons using the Internet each day, not to access pornography or blog irresponsibly, but to digest God's word.
The last, ultimate Biblical sign of Christ's second coming is, like, the iPhone?
Those who are plugged into what prophetic voices in the body of Christ are saying can see it coming. There is already a mighty move of God in the prison system. Young people are turning away from the hedonism of the previous generation. Why do you think the military continually exceeds its enlistment quotas, even during this violent war?
Oh, I don't know... maybe because every branch and twig of this nation's military funnels enormous resources toward recruiting kids? Anyone with half a brain knows this. And weren't those enlistment numbers down not too long ago, anyway?
I'll tell you what. A lot of young people are enlisting in the military for one of two main reasons:
1. God is coming
2. Recruiters tell them they'll get paid to blow stuff up and women will dig it
Take your pick.
There are spiritual changes going on right now in Monroe County. God is raising up Christians who will cause the light of God to shine into the hearts of lost people. Again it's important to keep your eye on the younger generation.
We older American are their support troops. We labor over them and with them in prayer.
In... the Knights of Columbus building on Sentinel Street? The VFW Auxiliary Post off Highway 91? Your wallpapered basement on Eucharist Drive? Please, just a hint!
As for the forces of darkness, their power is already receding as the Holy Spirit sweeps through America in revival. For those who hate America, this summer will be the summer of their discontent.
Aw. We can't seem to catch a break!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
These guys probably won't be getting amnesty
The Kirksville Daily Express is a newspaper in northeastern Missouri. Its editors do not take part in typical editor duties, such as editing. In this case, an odd headline made it to the press.
They were talking about Scotland County, MO. The names of the burglars: Randall Perkins and Crystal Jenkins. This is so fucking disappointing - in fact, it reeks of Grego.
Burglary spree ends with arrest of Scotland residents
This is truly startling! Residents of the UK's Scotland, raiding homes, stealing jewelry, having their way with the safe combinations of unsuspecting Missourians! Nicknamed "the Red-Headed Stepson Bandits," the suspects are finally in custody. We can breathe easy. Oh, wait...They were talking about Scotland County, MO. The names of the burglars: Randall Perkins and Crystal Jenkins. This is so fucking disappointing - in fact, it reeks of Grego.
This is what you want to see in your inbox
I'm not the type of guy who e-mails news stories to my friends and family. I figure, if it's that interesting, they'll find out about it either way. Readers of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's website, STLtoday, apparently love keeping people up to date on the latest in St. Louis area news. Here are a few of yesterday's most e-mailed stories:
"Pridefest Parade gains a mainstream commercial feel"
"Cardinals and Jesus take the field at Busch"
"Tick removal tips"
"A list of personal records can ease your life...and your death"
"Acne drug on trial in Edwardsville"
Let's sum this up - they're turning Pridefest into Woodstock '99. Christ himself took the field for the Cardinals (apparently this wasn't enough to thwart the Jewish Shawn Green from hitting a walk-off homer). St. Louisans don't know that pulling on ticks usually does the trick. And the last two, well, they speak for themselves.
If you dig a little deeper (most e-mailed stories of the past 7 days), you'll find an article called "Aging monkey is loose in St. Charles County." A 40-year old female monkey, weighing between 6 and 8 pounds, was last seen Thursday. I think she's been found alive since this article was printed, but damnit....we here at the Daily Grego were hoping for a sadder ending, involving a screeching predatory bird, darting from the sky like an F15.
"Pridefest Parade gains a mainstream commercial feel"
"Cardinals and Jesus take the field at Busch"
"Tick removal tips"
"A list of personal records can ease your life...and your death"
"Acne drug on trial in Edwardsville"
Let's sum this up - they're turning Pridefest into Woodstock '99. Christ himself took the field for the Cardinals (apparently this wasn't enough to thwart the Jewish Shawn Green from hitting a walk-off homer). St. Louisans don't know that pulling on ticks usually does the trick. And the last two, well, they speak for themselves.
If you dig a little deeper (most e-mailed stories of the past 7 days), you'll find an article called "Aging monkey is loose in St. Charles County." A 40-year old female monkey, weighing between 6 and 8 pounds, was last seen Thursday. I think she's been found alive since this article was printed, but damnit....we here at the Daily Grego were hoping for a sadder ending, involving a screeching predatory bird, darting from the sky like an F15.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Kobe Bryant flashes everyone, or something
All-time favorite and Best American Sportswriter Bill Plaschke has been wowing us for years with his entertaining columns. He just wrote one about Kobe!
You, the woman from Torrance with the oversized No. 24 jersey? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly damaged the credibility of that uniform.
Here we go! I don't know exactly how you go about damaging the "credibility" of a uniform, but apparently it is a top concern. I guess this large Torrance woman should go out and buy an XXL Bruce Bowen jersey or something.
And, you, the Riverside father and son who can't afford tickets but cheer for all the Lakers on television? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly ripped those players.
When you disrespect Andrew Bynum, you disrespect the poor, blue-collar, father-son pairings of fans who've already lost their wives and mothers in tragic, violent, Kobe Bryant-related traffic accidents. Shame on you.
You say you love Bryant because he is entertaining.
And because he is fucking awesome at basketball.
What has happened in the last several weeks is not good entertainment. Blowing up the family car in anger over a sputtering engine is not good entertainment.
(Bill Plaschke has been driving the same purple 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity since he bought it used in 1994.)
At this moment, Bryant is not Magic Johnson, he is Paris Hilton. He is not Jerry West, he is Lindsay Lohan.
He is not Michael Jordan, he is Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen. What the fuck does this mean? And whose fault is it, really, that Kobe gets more stupid media attention than Jerry West did? Hm?
He is not the old show-time Hollywood, he is the new spoiled Hollywood, and again I ask, this is entertainment?
Entertainment is Buster Keaton pairing up with Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Entertainment is reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Maypole of Merrymount" in front of a crackling auburn fire. OLD-TIME! NOT NEW! SPOILED! BAD!
If Kobe Bryant is "spoiled Hollywood," what does that make, like, Tom Brady? Who isn't spoiled Hollywood, exactly? (Plaschke answers later.)
You say you love Bryant because he is a winner.
No, that means nothing. Robert Horry is a winner. Michael Finley is a winner. Beno Udrih was a winner this year. None of these players will ever contribute as much to "winning" as Kobe Bryant does. The people who love Kobe love him because he is like one of the three best basketball-playing human beings on the face of this planet.
Leveling your organization is not the move of a winner. Whining and crying publicly for a trade that will force the Lakers into accepting something less than full value is not the actions of a winner.
The Lakers reportedly nixed a deal for Jason Kidd because they didn't want to part with Andrew Bynum. THAT's not the move of a winner, dumbass. Who's really whining here?
Tim Duncan quietly allowing a tiny little dude from France to win the NBA Finals MVP, that is the move of a winner.
Oh my God, here we go. The good children.
Dwyane Wade's quiet acceptance of Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat, that is the move of a winner.
Characteristics of a winner: being quiet.
Robert Horry, seven-time NBA winner-type person: a silent, timid church mouse.
Kobe Bryant: Loud! Noisy! Bad! Hollywood!
Three years after being anointed as the solution, Bryant has decided instead to be the problem, and I ask, this is a winner?
The latest Bryant news would be funny, if it weren't so sad.
Just like those women who show their private parts to paparazzi, Bryant has profanely ripped the Lakers to two strangers in a parking lot.
KOBE BRYANT SAID ANDREW BYNUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED. I GUESS THAT'S JUST LIKE PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA. THESE LOUD, CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE NOT CHARACTERISTIC OF A WINNING BLOGGER
The two guys videotaped the rant on a digital camera that doubles as a video recorder, and they are now trying to sell access to the alleged tape for a couple of bucks a pop.
A digital photographing/video recorder videotaping device? That's not old-time.
To Bill Plaschke, I say: Now THIS is entertainment. Keep up the bad work.
You, the woman from Torrance with the oversized No. 24 jersey? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly damaged the credibility of that uniform.
Here we go! I don't know exactly how you go about damaging the "credibility" of a uniform, but apparently it is a top concern. I guess this large Torrance woman should go out and buy an XXL Bruce Bowen jersey or something.
And, you, the Riverside father and son who can't afford tickets but cheer for all the Lakers on television? Bryant has publicly and repeatedly ripped those players.
When you disrespect Andrew Bynum, you disrespect the poor, blue-collar, father-son pairings of fans who've already lost their wives and mothers in tragic, violent, Kobe Bryant-related traffic accidents. Shame on you.
You say you love Bryant because he is entertaining.
And because he is fucking awesome at basketball.
What has happened in the last several weeks is not good entertainment. Blowing up the family car in anger over a sputtering engine is not good entertainment.
(Bill Plaschke has been driving the same purple 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity since he bought it used in 1994.)
At this moment, Bryant is not Magic Johnson, he is Paris Hilton. He is not Jerry West, he is Lindsay Lohan.
He is not Michael Jordan, he is Mary Kate AND Ashley Olsen. What the fuck does this mean? And whose fault is it, really, that Kobe gets more stupid media attention than Jerry West did? Hm?
He is not the old show-time Hollywood, he is the new spoiled Hollywood, and again I ask, this is entertainment?
Entertainment is Buster Keaton pairing up with Roscoe "Fatty" Arbuckle. Entertainment is reading Nathaniel Hawthorne's "The Maypole of Merrymount" in front of a crackling auburn fire. OLD-TIME! NOT NEW! SPOILED! BAD!
If Kobe Bryant is "spoiled Hollywood," what does that make, like, Tom Brady? Who isn't spoiled Hollywood, exactly? (Plaschke answers later.)
You say you love Bryant because he is a winner.
No, that means nothing. Robert Horry is a winner. Michael Finley is a winner. Beno Udrih was a winner this year. None of these players will ever contribute as much to "winning" as Kobe Bryant does. The people who love Kobe love him because he is like one of the three best basketball-playing human beings on the face of this planet.
Leveling your organization is not the move of a winner. Whining and crying publicly for a trade that will force the Lakers into accepting something less than full value is not the actions of a winner.
The Lakers reportedly nixed a deal for Jason Kidd because they didn't want to part with Andrew Bynum. THAT's not the move of a winner, dumbass. Who's really whining here?
Tim Duncan quietly allowing a tiny little dude from France to win the NBA Finals MVP, that is the move of a winner.
Oh my God, here we go. The good children.
Dwyane Wade's quiet acceptance of Shaquille O'Neal to the Miami Heat, that is the move of a winner.
Characteristics of a winner: being quiet.
Robert Horry, seven-time NBA winner-type person: a silent, timid church mouse.
Kobe Bryant: Loud! Noisy! Bad! Hollywood!
Three years after being anointed as the solution, Bryant has decided instead to be the problem, and I ask, this is a winner?
The latest Bryant news would be funny, if it weren't so sad.
Just like those women who show their private parts to paparazzi, Bryant has profanely ripped the Lakers to two strangers in a parking lot.
KOBE BRYANT SAID ANDREW BYNUM SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED. I GUESS THAT'S JUST LIKE PARIS HILTON'S VAGINA. THESE LOUD, CAPITALIZED LETTERS ARE NOT CHARACTERISTIC OF A WINNING BLOGGER
The two guys videotaped the rant on a digital camera that doubles as a video recorder, and they are now trying to sell access to the alleged tape for a couple of bucks a pop.
A digital photographing/video recorder videotaping device? That's not old-time.
To Bill Plaschke, I say: Now THIS is entertainment. Keep up the bad work.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
First runner-up: Enya's "Only If"
Blogging on location today from the Republican Northeast Regional Zone 2 Alternate Headquarters in Scranton, Pa. While I'm here, I'll be doing my darndest to provide fair, balanced coverage from one of campaign season's hottest hubbubs. Or is it just a hub? Either way, just doing my job, folks.
The latest from the other side: Hillarious Clinton has been keeping her climate-change-hating, baby-killing, bra-burning* supporters in suspense re: her official campaign song for what has seemed like months now. An open contest let liberal viewers determine the tune, and the winning chanson has been the object of much debate.
Until recently, that is.
In a much-anticipated (again, by the liberals) video unveiling, she gives us all a taste of what we'll be hearing for the next year and a half, if Satan** has his way, of course.
It's Celine Dion's "You and I."
Where the fuck are my earmuffs? I know I packed some for the Scranton trip.
*alleged bra-burning
**not an official campaign sponsor
The latest from the other side: Hillarious Clinton has been keeping her climate-change-hating, baby-killing, bra-burning* supporters in suspense re: her official campaign song for what has seemed like months now. An open contest let liberal viewers determine the tune, and the winning chanson has been the object of much debate.
Until recently, that is.
In a much-anticipated (again, by the liberals) video unveiling, she gives us all a taste of what we'll be hearing for the next year and a half, if Satan** has his way, of course.
It's Celine Dion's "You and I."
Where the fuck are my earmuffs? I know I packed some for the Scranton trip.
*alleged bra-burning
**not an official campaign sponsor
Grego's loyal following of Grego followers
When Grego writes a column, people from the Kirksville micropolitan area pay attention. Some of them have the gumption to leave comments. Keep in mind how daring this is -- these people are talking to the man himself (Grego has to approve all posted comments...as it turns out, he often doesn't approve ours). Also remember how tough it must be for Grego; I mean, he may have to deal with actual criticism within some of these comments. Or, the following:
bubba wrote on Jun 16, 2007 10:23 PM:
" kind of gives me goose bumps to know you are so smart! no it wont make no difference at all!with fuel and food going up so much poor ole consumer not never voteing for another tax burden!we are just told to make due so them too! "
"Bubba" at the end of his 8th grade year: "4 D's and 3 F's? im not never gonna go to no school never again!"
"Bubba" at the end of his 8th grade year: "4 D's and 3 F's? im not never gonna go to no school never again!"
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Graduates, get ready to be confused
High school graduation is a strange time. The week before graduation is typically a blast - parties, boobs, and so on. However, the summer after you graduate is pretty fucked up, for a few reasons. First, you're still couped up with your parents. Realizing that walking across that stage is not an immediate token of independence is pretty shitty.
Worse than that, I think, is old people spouting off wisdom that is, well, old. Today, I came across an article in the News Democrat Journal that perfectly fits this description. The author, Fred Nugent (not to be mistaken for his more well-known brother, Ted) has an odd way of appealing to the kiddos. Let's take a look.
Just got home from Seckman's graduation, and as I sit here in front of the computer, my mind wanders back to my own graduation, some 33 years ago as the Class of '74 marched across the stage in Alton, Ill., and received diplomas.
Let me set the stage and the mood of that year. Our country's involvement in Vietnam was winding down and though that conflict officially ended the year before, in 1973, the last Americans were evacuated from Saigon in April before our graduation.
This is a weird bit of revisionist history, because Freddy boy, Saigon fell in 1975 - almost a full year AFTER you graduated from high school.
The first UPC code would be scanned in June of 1974-a package of Wrigley's gum at a supermarket in Ohio. Evel Knievel would fail to cross the Snake River Canyon in September of that year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Jake Plummer, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. were all newborns.
Now this really puts things into perspective. Jake Plummer was a newborn around the time this guy graduated from high school. A name that resonates in the hearts and minds of high school seniors everywhere. Jordan. Woods. Shaq. Kobe. LeBron. Plummer. It's like when I graduated, and my dad said "you know son, Steve Bono was only 6 when I was your age?" It changed my life. Here are other sports equivalents to mediocre, semi-retired NFLer Jake Plummer:
Baseball: Richie Sexson, Raul Mondesi, Ron Gant
Basketball: Rik Smits, John Starks
Golf: Davis Love III
Boxing: Buster Mathis, Jr.
You get the point.
But as we sat there, we were entrusted with much of the same knowledge that the class of 2007 received earlier tonight: "You only live once, so what's stopping you from going for it!" or "The future is there for you to change".
"The future is there for you to change"
And the past, too!
Worse than that, I think, is old people spouting off wisdom that is, well, old. Today, I came across an article in the News Democrat Journal that perfectly fits this description. The author, Fred Nugent (not to be mistaken for his more well-known brother, Ted) has an odd way of appealing to the kiddos. Let's take a look.
Just got home from Seckman's graduation, and as I sit here in front of the computer, my mind wanders back to my own graduation, some 33 years ago as the Class of '74 marched across the stage in Alton, Ill., and received diplomas.
Let me set the stage and the mood of that year. Our country's involvement in Vietnam was winding down and though that conflict officially ended the year before, in 1973, the last Americans were evacuated from Saigon in April before our graduation.
This is a weird bit of revisionist history, because Freddy boy, Saigon fell in 1975 - almost a full year AFTER you graduated from high school.
The first UPC code would be scanned in June of 1974-a package of Wrigley's gum at a supermarket in Ohio. Evel Knievel would fail to cross the Snake River Canyon in September of that year. Leonardo DiCaprio, Jake Plummer, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. were all newborns.
Now this really puts things into perspective. Jake Plummer was a newborn around the time this guy graduated from high school. A name that resonates in the hearts and minds of high school seniors everywhere. Jordan. Woods. Shaq. Kobe. LeBron. Plummer. It's like when I graduated, and my dad said "you know son, Steve Bono was only 6 when I was your age?" It changed my life. Here are other sports equivalents to mediocre, semi-retired NFLer Jake Plummer:
Baseball: Richie Sexson, Raul Mondesi, Ron Gant
Basketball: Rik Smits, John Starks
Golf: Davis Love III
Boxing: Buster Mathis, Jr.
You get the point.
But as we sat there, we were entrusted with much of the same knowledge that the class of 2007 received earlier tonight: "You only live once, so what's stopping you from going for it!" or "The future is there for you to change".
"The future is there for you to change"
And the past, too!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Ah, it's swimsuit season
...and you know what that means.
Maybe it's just something I'll never understand, being so incredibly masculine and comfortable with my selection of tight, revealing lycra bathing wear, but how many humor/fashion/lifestyle columns can be written about swimsuits?
Answer: always one more. Check this gem from the Columbia Tribune's Irene Haskins, who actually founded the newspaper in 1901 at the tender age of 37.
Show me a woman who enjoys shopping for a swimsuit and I’ll show you a woman who can stuff sausage through a straw.
Ah yes. Sausage-stuffing. That's what I think of when I think of swimsuits.
Show me a woman who's brave enough to wear a two-piece to the country club, and I'll show you a woman who can really slap a wiener between two buns.
(In related news, the Tribune recently ran this letter concerning the warning signs of sexual harassment in public. It's cool! But at first glance, we thought it was a to-do list.)
Maybe it's just something I'll never understand, being so incredibly masculine and comfortable with my selection of tight, revealing lycra bathing wear, but how many humor/fashion/lifestyle columns can be written about swimsuits?
Answer: always one more. Check this gem from the Columbia Tribune's Irene Haskins, who actually founded the newspaper in 1901 at the tender age of 37.
Show me a woman who enjoys shopping for a swimsuit and I’ll show you a woman who can stuff sausage through a straw.
Ah yes. Sausage-stuffing. That's what I think of when I think of swimsuits.
Show me a woman who's brave enough to wear a two-piece to the country club, and I'll show you a woman who can really slap a wiener between two buns.
(In related news, the Tribune recently ran this letter concerning the warning signs of sexual harassment in public. It's cool! But at first glance, we thought it was a to-do list.)
Anne T. Garcia lies in column about how she never lies
Anne T. Garcia is a friend of our blog. And by "friend," I mean "so batshit stupid that it's like, really easy to make fun of her dumb columns." Today, Anne rallies against lying, and somehow makes herself look dumber than usual.
I've decided to make a concerted effort to give up saying things that are not true, no matter how painful it may be.
I will keep a running count of things Anne Garcia says that are not true. (One)
Being honest is an American tradition going all the way back to the story (never substantiated) of George Washington and the cherry tree.
The cherry tree story was invented by an early Washington biographer. Isn't it kind of stupid to harp on America's truthfulness by citing a complete fucking myth? (Two)
Not that I'm known for telling whoppers. Most people consider me to be pretty much of a straight arrow.
Read my previous entry on Anne Garcia. Count the whoppers. (Three)
But let's be frank, there are times when those little lies drip down from our lips.
Groundbreaking.
"Are you free for lunch?" "Do you like my haircut?" and "Did you remember that today's my birthday?" are questions that might cause an untruth to slip out. Almost without thinking we are inclined to give the socially acceptable answer.
Yes, because saying "fuck you, I don't want to be seen with you in public" or "your hair looks like pubes" or "no, I didn't remember your stupid birthday" is the way to go. Surely, you don't think this is true.
And then there's this question: "How old are you?" In times past, I'd lied about my age so often I actually had to stop and calculate when I wanted to remember my true age.
If I had to guess, I would say that Anne Garcia is somewhere between 130 and 198 years old.
What's the big deal about telling those little white lies?
What? Just what? Could it be something to do with God being pissed at us and the impending doom of mankind?
We are living in a world filled with nukes, terrorism, drug-resistant bacteria, war, famine and earthquakes. In short, we are living at the end of the age.
Movie ad: "In a world full of earthquakes, a newspaper columnist searches for the truth." Other than the nukes, haven't these things been around since like, before man invented the wheel?
The great Apostle Paul encouraged us to escape the wrath to come, the upcoming seven years of tribulation. The Lord will receive us in the air, to spend those seven years safely in heaven with Him.
The great Apostle Paul would probably be creeped out by you, Anne. Fuck, I lost count. Let's call that...(eight).
"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air" (1 Thessalonians 4:16,17).
Here's how Anne finds these insightful quotes: She gets on her computer (a Packard Bell desktop with a Pentium Processor), sticks her Bible CD-Rom into her 4x speed, read-only drive, waits twelve minutes for it to load up, and types in the search bar whatever is offending her at the moment.
But here's the kicker. The Church that's caught away must be pure. Paul calls it "without spot or wrinkle" (Ephesians 5:27).
Without spot...or wrinkle!?!? I can do it without spot. But damnit...there's gotta be some wrinkle, Anne. Actually, this sounds more like what you would hear on a stain remover commercial.
I've known how to give up lying for quite a while.
(nine)
I heard a great evangelist teach on it several years ago. As soon as you realize you're telling a lie you stop yourself in mid sentence and make the correction. Embarrassing? Yes it is, but necessary to achieve the goal.
"Yeah, Betty. Your haircut looks like my ass...and by that, I mean, really good, because I love my ass."
For example, "Of course I remembered that today's your birthday-let me correct myself, honey. Actually, I forgot it was your birthday, but now that I've remembered, happy birthday."
Shut it! I already gave an example. This one should be "now that you've reminded me, happy birthday. Oh, you're calling me a bitch for forgetting?"
That's what I should have said to my daughter when she called me on her birthday in February. But I didn't-I lied, I said I remembered.
Whoa! Anne Garcia forgot her daughter's birthday. Granted, when you're 183 years old, and your daughter is in her 150s, it can be difficult to keep track of.
Once, when I was in a car accident, the officer asked if I was wearing my seat belt.
Did he really? (ten)
"Yes," I said, without batting an eye.
I wasn't. I should have declined to answer.
Ironically, said accident occurred before cars had seat belts. Thus...(eleven)
Taking honesty to the next level is walking in integrity.
Anne, when I read your columns, I shoot a big load of integrity all over my computer screen. The more I read, the more that shoots out. I'm nipple-deep in it right now. (twelve, because, what the fuck does it mean to "walk in integrity?")
Integrity has been defined as doing what's right when no one is watching.
But you can make yourself look like an old-fashioned, intolerant windbag when your writing is published in a newspaper. (thirteen)
Part of that virtue includes keeping our word. When I was raising my children, I tried to instill that principle in them. If they accepted an invitation and something better came along, they were bound by their word.
Unless "something better coming along" had to do with licking the pages of the Bible.
To help me along in my quest for honesty I have a reminder on my refrigerator: ". . . all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).
That's the kind of refrigerator decor you want to read when you're thirsty for a Mello Yellow. By the way, Anne, you have lied at least thirteen times in this column. You have some work to do.
It gets awfully hot in Monroe County in the summertime, but not nearly as hot as the lake of fire.
The eleventh commandment, which is not as well-known as the first ten, reads "Thou shall not be tactful."
Honestly, how old am I? None of your business.
You are a 204 year-old bundle of happiness. And here's a quote from the last column of yours that I lampooned:
Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.
Anne Garcia's age="None uh yo' bizness!"
What people do in their own bedrooms = public fucking domain
Now, that's a whopper.
I've decided to make a concerted effort to give up saying things that are not true, no matter how painful it may be.
I will keep a running count of things Anne Garcia says that are not true. (One)
Being honest is an American tradition going all the way back to the story (never substantiated) of George Washington and the cherry tree.
The cherry tree story was invented by an early Washington biographer. Isn't it kind of stupid to harp on America's truthfulness by citing a complete fucking myth? (Two)
Not that I'm known for telling whoppers. Most people consider me to be pretty much of a straight arrow.
Read my previous entry on Anne Garcia. Count the whoppers. (Three)
But let's be frank, there are times when those little lies drip down from our lips.
Groundbreaking.
"Are you free for lunch?" "Do you like my haircut?" and "Did you remember that today's my birthday?" are questions that might cause an untruth to slip out. Almost without thinking we are inclined to give the socially acceptable answer.
Yes, because saying "fuck you, I don't want to be seen with you in public" or "your hair looks like pubes" or "no, I didn't remember your stupid birthday" is the way to go. Surely, you don't think this is true.
And then there's this question: "How old are you?" In times past, I'd lied about my age so often I actually had to stop and calculate when I wanted to remember my true age.
If I had to guess, I would say that Anne Garcia is somewhere between 130 and 198 years old.
What's the big deal about telling those little white lies?
What? Just what? Could it be something to do with God being pissed at us and the impending doom of mankind?
We are living in a world filled with nukes, terrorism, drug-resistant bacteria, war, famine and earthquakes. In short, we are living at the end of the age.
Movie ad: "In a world full of earthquakes, a newspaper columnist searches for the truth." Other than the nukes, haven't these things been around since like, before man invented the wheel?
The great Apostle Paul encouraged us to escape the wrath to come, the upcoming seven years of tribulation. The Lord will receive us in the air, to spend those seven years safely in heaven with Him.
The great Apostle Paul would probably be creeped out by you, Anne. Fuck, I lost count. Let's call that...(eight).
"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air" (1 Thessalonians 4:16,17).
Here's how Anne finds these insightful quotes: She gets on her computer (a Packard Bell desktop with a Pentium Processor), sticks her Bible CD-Rom into her 4x speed, read-only drive, waits twelve minutes for it to load up, and types in the search bar whatever is offending her at the moment.
But here's the kicker. The Church that's caught away must be pure. Paul calls it "without spot or wrinkle" (Ephesians 5:27).
Without spot...or wrinkle!?!? I can do it without spot. But damnit...there's gotta be some wrinkle, Anne. Actually, this sounds more like what you would hear on a stain remover commercial.
I've known how to give up lying for quite a while.
(nine)
I heard a great evangelist teach on it several years ago. As soon as you realize you're telling a lie you stop yourself in mid sentence and make the correction. Embarrassing? Yes it is, but necessary to achieve the goal.
"Yeah, Betty. Your haircut looks like my ass...and by that, I mean, really good, because I love my ass."
For example, "Of course I remembered that today's your birthday-let me correct myself, honey. Actually, I forgot it was your birthday, but now that I've remembered, happy birthday."
Shut it! I already gave an example. This one should be "now that you've reminded me, happy birthday. Oh, you're calling me a bitch for forgetting?"
That's what I should have said to my daughter when she called me on her birthday in February. But I didn't-I lied, I said I remembered.
Whoa! Anne Garcia forgot her daughter's birthday. Granted, when you're 183 years old, and your daughter is in her 150s, it can be difficult to keep track of.
Once, when I was in a car accident, the officer asked if I was wearing my seat belt.
Did he really? (ten)
"Yes," I said, without batting an eye.
I wasn't. I should have declined to answer.
Ironically, said accident occurred before cars had seat belts. Thus...(eleven)
Taking honesty to the next level is walking in integrity.
Anne, when I read your columns, I shoot a big load of integrity all over my computer screen. The more I read, the more that shoots out. I'm nipple-deep in it right now. (twelve, because, what the fuck does it mean to "walk in integrity?")
Integrity has been defined as doing what's right when no one is watching.
But you can make yourself look like an old-fashioned, intolerant windbag when your writing is published in a newspaper. (thirteen)
Part of that virtue includes keeping our word. When I was raising my children, I tried to instill that principle in them. If they accepted an invitation and something better came along, they were bound by their word.
Unless "something better coming along" had to do with licking the pages of the Bible.
To help me along in my quest for honesty I have a reminder on my refrigerator: ". . . all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:8).
That's the kind of refrigerator decor you want to read when you're thirsty for a Mello Yellow. By the way, Anne, you have lied at least thirteen times in this column. You have some work to do.
It gets awfully hot in Monroe County in the summertime, but not nearly as hot as the lake of fire.
The eleventh commandment, which is not as well-known as the first ten, reads "Thou shall not be tactful."
Honestly, how old am I? None of your business.
You are a 204 year-old bundle of happiness. And here's a quote from the last column of yours that I lampooned:
Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.
Anne Garcia's age="None uh yo' bizness!"
What people do in their own bedrooms = public fucking domain
Now, that's a whopper.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Good luck interrogating these two
From the Grego school of juxtapositions:
Let's hope that bastard puppet rots in jail.
Let's hope that bastard puppet rots in jail.
Don't kill that rally, Juan
Al Hrabosky does color commentary for the Cardinals on FSN. We've talked about him before. Tonight, with the Cardinals behind 5-1 in the bottom of the ninth to the Reds, with 2 men on, and 1 out, Juan Encarnacion came to the plate. This is not encouraging, since Juan's career OBP is like really shitty. Either way, he has some pop in his bat, so a home run would be nice, right? Al Hrabosky doesn't think so.
"Juan has scored a run in the last 7 games; if he can drive in these 2 runners and put himself in scoring position, he could extend that streak...."
Or, you know, if he hit a home run, he'd score without having the next hitter drive him in (Adam Kennedy...). Wait, what's that, AL?
"A 3-run homer is a rally killer in this situation."
God damnit. A home run...is the best possible outcome of an at-bat. Always. Juan Encarnacion and Adam Kennedy subsequently failed to reach base, and the Cardinals lost. At least neither of them went yard!
"Juan has scored a run in the last 7 games; if he can drive in these 2 runners and put himself in scoring position, he could extend that streak...."
Or, you know, if he hit a home run, he'd score without having the next hitter drive him in (Adam Kennedy...). Wait, what's that, AL?
"A 3-run homer is a rally killer in this situation."
God damnit. A home run...is the best possible outcome of an at-bat. Always. Juan Encarnacion and Adam Kennedy subsequently failed to reach base, and the Cardinals lost. At least neither of them went yard!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Joe Buck makes comment, is wrong
Tonight, the St. Louis Cardinals (10-time World Champions) are playing the Cincinnati Reds. The Reds employ a really big dude who hits lots of home runs. His name is Adam Dunn. As you can see, young Adam strikes out a lot, something that Cardinals announcer Al Hrabosky noted during tonight's telecast. That prompted this quote from the venerable Joe Buck:
"Striking out has always been a problem for Dunn. He's turned into a Dave Kingman-clone: all-or-nothing."
This is so incredibly wrong. First of all, striking out is nothing more than making an out. Sure, it's embarrassing, but it's just an out. Dunn makes up for his low batting average with an incredibly high walk rate: over 100 per 162 games. He's far more than an "all-or-nothing" guy - his career OBP is .378. Dave Kingman, on the other hand, walked 608 times in over 7400 plate appearances. Thus far, Adam Dunn has walked 604 times....in only 3700 plate appearances. That's a huge fucking difference. Dunn is much better at hitting than Kingman. It's not even close. By the way, Kingman's career OBP is .302. Wowza. That's bad.
"Striking out has always been a problem for Dunn. He's turned into a Dave Kingman-clone: all-or-nothing."
This is so incredibly wrong. First of all, striking out is nothing more than making an out. Sure, it's embarrassing, but it's just an out. Dunn makes up for his low batting average with an incredibly high walk rate: over 100 per 162 games. He's far more than an "all-or-nothing" guy - his career OBP is .378. Dave Kingman, on the other hand, walked 608 times in over 7400 plate appearances. Thus far, Adam Dunn has walked 604 times....in only 3700 plate appearances. That's a huge fucking difference. Dunn is much better at hitting than Kingman. It's not even close. By the way, Kingman's career OBP is .302. Wowza. That's bad.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Breaking news alert
As the always potentially dangerous tropical storm season fast approaches, we really must thank God that we have professional journalists who are on top of the details. From MSNBC.com and KXAN-TV:
Next Hurricane Could Strike Anywhere From TX to NY
In other news, MSNBC forecasters have issued a severe thunderstorm watch for "all of the rectangle states."
Next Hurricane Could Strike Anywhere From TX to NY
In other news, MSNBC forecasters have issued a severe thunderstorm watch for "all of the rectangle states."
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