Check out the comments under Grego's last column for some spirited back-and-forth. And some name-calling. My favorite one just might make it onto our next masthead design:
Daily Grego - Another college-educated idiot with an answer for everything.
Correction: idiot(s)
Follow the link (now, while it's still up!) to read the rest. Special thanks to the Viva El Birdos blog entry that inspired us to waste our time on Grego's site. We even quoted one of their members (and cited it, too, but Grego removed the link).
Viva el Grego!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Jeff Gordon must want the Cardinals to lose
I've discussed StL Post-Dispatch sportswriter Jeff Gordon before. Usually, he's not bad. Sometimes, he says stupid things (don't we all?). In today's Gordo Chat, he gave a bad, bad answer.
Adam Kennedy Career EqA: .252 (league average is .260)
Adam Kennedy 2007 OBP: .293
Of course, he's gotten off to a bad start, but his ceiling is not very high. But whatever. Give him the second-most number of at-bats for a team that has big trouble getting on-base. That'll...show everyone.
Here's a better answer for you, Larry. No. The Cardinals should do everything in their power to make as few outs as possible. The last thing they need to do is to give away outs, even if those outs are "productive." This is a hole-ridden, impatient, powerless lineup. They rank dead last in the National League in walks. Their team OBP is .317 (13th in the NL). You get the picture. They suck. Small ball won't help them. Even if the lineup awakens, the starting pitching is still terrible.
Cardinals fan Larry Sheehy asks: Is it just me or does anyone else have the desire to see the Cardinals start playing small ball with Chris Duncan batting 4th or 5th and having a little guy (Eckstein or Kennedy) bat 2nd?
Jeff Gordon's response:
Although this is not on a Joe Morgan level of being a shitty answer, it's still a shitty answer. Especially the second sentence, about Adam Kennedy being fine hitting second.
Adam Kennedy Career EqA: .252 (league average is .260)
Adam Kennedy 2007 OBP: .293
Of course, he's gotten off to a bad start, but his ceiling is not very high. But whatever. Give him the second-most number of at-bats for a team that has big trouble getting on-base. That'll...show everyone.
Here's a better answer for you, Larry. No. The Cardinals should do everything in their power to make as few outs as possible. The last thing they need to do is to give away outs, even if those outs are "productive." This is a hole-ridden, impatient, powerless lineup. They rank dead last in the National League in walks. Their team OBP is .317 (13th in the NL). You get the picture. They suck. Small ball won't help them. Even if the lineup awakens, the starting pitching is still terrible.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Tim Duncan for MVP...
(...Most Virtuous Player.)
I know it's getting a little out of hand with the sports coverage around here, but how can we resist stuff like this? Sportswriters, follow the preceding link for a classic lesson in jockstrap-carrying. It's a prerequisite course, taught by Adrian Wojnarowski.
When these playoffs are over, everyone will know the MVP in this league. It won't be Dirk Nowitzki,
(actually, it will be -- and already is -- but that's neither here nor there)
nor Steve Nash, nor Kobe Bryant. The league MVP will be Tim Duncan. Again. And good luck trying to get Duncan to talk about it. Anyone else, and they would be telling you all about how they've been constantly overlooked in San Antonio, how it was a crime that Denver's Marcus Camby was voted the league's defensive player of the year, and that how despite declarations made elsewhere, no one has ever truly dethroned him as the best player in the sport.
And... how exactly is Tim Duncan overlooked in San Antonio? Somewhere in a small Utah hotel room, Beno Udrih is rolling over in his tiny, urine-stained cot and dreaming of the days when he actually got to play basketball.
Tim Duncan does nice things. But what's so horribly wrong with a guy who signs elsewhere as a free agent? I mean, maybe Tim's family is begging him to get out of San Antonio because they hate it there, and he refuses because he likes having a personal athletic-cup-carrier loitering around outside the locker room. Wouldn't that make him selfish?
If he skips the draft and tears a ligament his senior year, wouldn't that make him an idiot? Anyway.
I know it's getting a little out of hand with the sports coverage around here, but how can we resist stuff like this? Sportswriters, follow the preceding link for a classic lesson in jockstrap-carrying. It's a prerequisite course, taught by Adrian Wojnarowski.
When these playoffs are over, everyone will know the MVP in this league. It won't be Dirk Nowitzki,
(actually, it will be -- and already is -- but that's neither here nor there)
nor Steve Nash, nor Kobe Bryant. The league MVP will be Tim Duncan. Again. And good luck trying to get Duncan to talk about it. Anyone else, and they would be telling you all about how they've been constantly overlooked in San Antonio, how it was a crime that Denver's Marcus Camby was voted the league's defensive player of the year, and that how despite declarations made elsewhere, no one has ever truly dethroned him as the best player in the sport.
Anyone else? Anyone else would be telling you how "they" deserved defensive player of the year? Is everyone in the NBA delusional, too?
Marcus Camby: 70 GP, 11.7 RPG (9.3 DReb), 1.2 SPG, 3.3 BPG
Tim Duncan: 80 GP, 10.6 RPG (7.9 DReb), 0.8 SPG, 2.4 BPG
And... how exactly is Tim Duncan overlooked in San Antonio? Somewhere in a small Utah hotel room, Beno Udrih is rolling over in his tiny, urine-stained cot and dreaming of the days when he actually got to play basketball.
"If it's possible to be the most appreciated and the most taken for granted,
(which it's not),
that's what Tim is," Spurs assistant coach P.J. Carlesimo said. "We just assume every day that he's going to dominate both ends of the floor, take and make big shots. When we don't win, he's going to say, 'It's on me.' When we do win, he's not going to say anything."
This is why we can't wait to see Tim Duncan in the fucking NBA Finals. "He's not going to say anything."
"He's so consistent, so unassuming, you tend to forget how special he is."
This exact same line has appeared in columns about certain "special" athletes since the advent of movable type. Does Tim Duncan have a calm, steely gaze? Derek Jeter, anyone? How is it possible for us to "forget" how special these athletes are, Adrian, when you keep reminding us every time you're out of column ideas?
Duncan has never had his coach fired. He's never had a public feud with a teammate. When he could've been the No. 1 pick as a sophomore, he stayed four years at Wake Forest. When he had a chance to leave San Antonio for bigger, splashier markets as a free agent, he re-signed to stay here.
When he could have just left his sopping wet pair of compression shorts in the bottom of his locker to fungalize and germinate, he draped them on a coathanger for me to carry off as a token of his good will.Tim Duncan does nice things. But what's so horribly wrong with a guy who signs elsewhere as a free agent? I mean, maybe Tim's family is begging him to get out of San Antonio because they hate it there, and he refuses because he likes having a personal athletic-cup-carrier loitering around outside the locker room. Wouldn't that make him selfish?
If he skips the draft and tears a ligament his senior year, wouldn't that make him an idiot? Anyway.
Think about this: In his decade with San Antonio, when have you heard a grouse out of that locker room? Ever heard a player complain about minutes? About how the coach uses him? About how little he's appreciated?
This is, like, insignificant. How many teams have real, recurring chemistry problems, off the top of your head? A few. How many of those problems actually affect team performances? Fewer.
And why are we anointing Tim Duncan the king of the playing-time police when he's the one playing 38 minutes a game? Shouldn't we be talking about the guys who actually have something to complain about, but aren't? Someone like... oh, I don't know...
Around the Spurs this season, most believe that Manu Ginobili would prefer to start, but he's accepted his sixth man role this season without a word.
This is because of Tim Duncan's grouse-preventing gaze. Just ask assistant coach P.J. Carlesimo.
Outside San Antonio's locker room Sunday afternoon, Carlesimo nodded his head and simply pointed back toward those concrete walls where Duncan was dressing.
"When he's naked," Carlesimo said with one eyebrow raised, "people don't complain about minutes."Al Hrabosky is old
We here at the Daily Grego have always enjoyed the antics of Cardinals analyst Al Hrabosky, from his homo-erotic obsession with Reggie Sanders, to how close he sits to Dan McLaughlin in the booth. A few minutes ago, during the Cardinals beat down of the Washington Nationals, Al uttered this line (in so many words):
"You know, they have a statistic for everything these days; Kearns is hitting .245 when he leads off an inning."
When he said the first part, I thought he was going to mention Kearns's EqA or something. I should have known better.
This reminds me of when I was a little kid; my dad was a teacher. When school was canceled for bad weather, teachers called one other to pass the news along. One time, a teacher called to announce that we were having school. What the fuck? Probably someone from the foreign language department. Thanks, Al Hrabosky, for getting my hopes up. You're no better than a teacher at Daily Grego High.
"You know, they have a statistic for everything these days; Kearns is hitting .245 when he leads off an inning."
When he said the first part, I thought he was going to mention Kearns's EqA or something. I should have known better.
This reminds me of when I was a little kid; my dad was a teacher. When school was canceled for bad weather, teachers called one other to pass the news along. One time, a teacher called to announce that we were having school. What the fuck? Probably someone from the foreign language department. Thanks, Al Hrabosky, for getting my hopes up. You're no better than a teacher at Daily Grego High.
Friday, May 25, 2007
I sent this to FJM...
I'd like to walk up to ESPN's Jayson Stark and ask him to define the word "overrated." His answer would probably be about 50% right, 30% completely wrong, and 20% almost-kinda-sorta-yeah-you're-actually-wrong wrong. Kind of like this article on baseball's top 10 overrated players. Let's go!
1. Barry Zito
I couldn't agree more, Jayson. This guy is earning a boatload of money for being good 4 years ago. This is a good start!
2. J.D. Drew
OK, this is stupid. Does anyone like J.D. Drew? No one? Didn't think so. Thanks to the fact that J.D. is injury prone, everyone sees him as kind of a lollygagger. Someone who is immensely talented, but doesn't play up to his abilities for whatever reasons. Drew is not well-liked in St. Louis, or anywhere else. However, his career stats are pretty good; this is clouded by the perception that he's a bit of a pussy. In this article, Jayson Stark points out Drew's statistics, and then points out that despite them, he's never made an All-Star game. You know, the game in the summer where the fans vote for who plays. Wouldn't an overrated player be in like...lots of All-Star games?
3. Andruw Jones
Eh, whatever. He's having a bad year. Doesn't get on-base enough. If he were having a career-average year, he wouldn't be on this list.
4. Juan Pierre
Well, he was definitely overrated by the Dodgers this off-season. He doesn't walk, gives away a lot of outs, gets caught stealing often, throws like a toddler, and has 12 career home runs in over 4700 plate appearances. He's the best example of how GMs spend waaaaaayyyy too much money on speed. Though, I think the average fan, thanks to Moneyball, is catching up to the fact that Juan Pierre stinks. So, in a sense, his overrated-ness is decreasing. Thank god.
5. Bobby Abreu
Like Andruw Jones, Bobby Abreu is having a bad year. Except, his bad year is occurring in New York.
The folks who only peruse Abreu's numbers don't just wonder what he's doing on this list. They wonder when he's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. How multitalented is Bobby Abreu? Well, he does happen to be the only active player with a .300 career batting average, a .400 on-base percentage, 200 homers and 250 stolen bases.
Bobby Abreu has put up excellent numbers in his career. He's damned good. Jayson Stark agrees.
And his .909 career OPS tops the OPS of Sammy Sosa, Chase Utley, Derrek Lee, and many, many, many other famed batsmiths out there.
This is also true. Bobby Abreu has a wonderful career OPS. Better than guys who are really good. This makes him overrated how?
But there sure are a lot of people who watched him in Philadelphia who think Abreu is the poster boy for an unquantifiable division of the All-Overrated Team -- players who mysteriously seem to be less than the sum of their spectacular numbers.
Jayson, sorry to interrupt again...but aren't Phillies fans batshit fucking crazy? Don't they hate EVERYONE, especially after they leave Philadelphia? This is not a good source to use when you're saying that Bobby Abreu is overrated.
When people battle me on this guy, I always sum it up this way: As great as Bobby Abreu can be, he lacks that all-important Derek Jeter gene. There is no voice in his head, screaming: "This ball has to be caught." Or: "That runner on third has to be driven in." In Philadelphia, where he was the centerpiece of the franchise, that one flaw showed up way too glaringly. Now, in New York, as the Yankees flounder, they're getting aggravated over the same stuff. Funny how that happens.
Good fucking god. Bobby Abreu does not have a miniature Derek Jeter in his head, yelling at him to drive in runs or make plays in the outfield. Instead, he has a little Alex Rodriguez that sits on his right shoulder, shivering, naked, with icicles dangling from his shaped eyebrows. Little A-Rod whispers in Bobby's ear when he comes to the plate with a man on third: "You're going to fuck up, ohmygod!" Note: Bobby Abreu was great for the Yankees last year. He played like Bobby Abreu usually plays. This year, he's not doing so well. However, he's had a wonderful career, as our boy Jay has pointed out. He's played in front of difficult fans, who complain a lot, masking his awesome statistics. How does this make Bobby Abreu overrated?
6. Brian Giles
Brian Giles is also having a bad year. He's an older guy now, but in his prime, he was an MVP-level player. Not many people know this, because he played in Pittsburgh. Most recognize that he's mainly a doubles hitter these days. How does that make him overrated?
7. Alfonso Soriano
Definitely overrated. A guy with a .325 career OBP shouldn't be making $136 million over eight years. The Cubs are going to hate this guy really soon. Especially when he's making outs at the top of the lineup, instead of driving in runs in the middle of the lineup (which is where he should be). Being fast does not equal being a good leadoff hitter.
8. Richie Sexson
Uhhh....people think Richie Sexson is good? Jayson Stark pisses me off though, because he lumps Adam Dunn (who is good) with Sexson:
Sexson and Adam Dunn fit into a category of overratedness I figured I'd better get to in this column someplace: Guys We Love Because They Can Pulverize A Baseball About 900 Feet.
Why? Because they both hit home runs. That's what they are known for. Dunn, however, draws a shit ton more walks than Sexson. Adam Dunn is vastly underrated because he strikes out a lot and has a low batting average. He doesn't "play the game the right way." Seriously, people hate Adam Dunn. He's not overrated.
9. Bob Wickman
Why the hell is he on the list? Is he even "rated?" He's a fat, mediocre closer. Everyone knows this.
10. Jeff Suppan
Suppan is a league-average starting pitcher. He has a reputation for being a big-game pitcher. Now, he's making a lot of money. So yeah, probably overrated. But more overrated than David Eckstein, or Carlos Lee? I don't know about that.
Blah. Lists are stupid. Nonetheless, check out the Daily Grego's new book, A 400-Page List of the Worst Lists of All Time, when it's released in July.
1. Barry Zito
I couldn't agree more, Jayson. This guy is earning a boatload of money for being good 4 years ago. This is a good start!
2. J.D. Drew
OK, this is stupid. Does anyone like J.D. Drew? No one? Didn't think so. Thanks to the fact that J.D. is injury prone, everyone sees him as kind of a lollygagger. Someone who is immensely talented, but doesn't play up to his abilities for whatever reasons. Drew is not well-liked in St. Louis, or anywhere else. However, his career stats are pretty good; this is clouded by the perception that he's a bit of a pussy. In this article, Jayson Stark points out Drew's statistics, and then points out that despite them, he's never made an All-Star game. You know, the game in the summer where the fans vote for who plays. Wouldn't an overrated player be in like...lots of All-Star games?
3. Andruw Jones
Eh, whatever. He's having a bad year. Doesn't get on-base enough. If he were having a career-average year, he wouldn't be on this list.
4. Juan Pierre
Well, he was definitely overrated by the Dodgers this off-season. He doesn't walk, gives away a lot of outs, gets caught stealing often, throws like a toddler, and has 12 career home runs in over 4700 plate appearances. He's the best example of how GMs spend waaaaaayyyy too much money on speed. Though, I think the average fan, thanks to Moneyball, is catching up to the fact that Juan Pierre stinks. So, in a sense, his overrated-ness is decreasing. Thank god.
5. Bobby Abreu
Like Andruw Jones, Bobby Abreu is having a bad year. Except, his bad year is occurring in New York.
The folks who only peruse Abreu's numbers don't just wonder what he's doing on this list. They wonder when he's getting inducted into the Hall of Fame. How multitalented is Bobby Abreu? Well, he does happen to be the only active player with a .300 career batting average, a .400 on-base percentage, 200 homers and 250 stolen bases.
Bobby Abreu has put up excellent numbers in his career. He's damned good. Jayson Stark agrees.
And his .909 career OPS tops the OPS of Sammy Sosa, Chase Utley, Derrek Lee, and many, many, many other famed batsmiths out there.
This is also true. Bobby Abreu has a wonderful career OPS. Better than guys who are really good. This makes him overrated how?
But there sure are a lot of people who watched him in Philadelphia who think Abreu is the poster boy for an unquantifiable division of the All-Overrated Team -- players who mysteriously seem to be less than the sum of their spectacular numbers.
Jayson, sorry to interrupt again...but aren't Phillies fans batshit fucking crazy? Don't they hate EVERYONE, especially after they leave Philadelphia? This is not a good source to use when you're saying that Bobby Abreu is overrated.
When people battle me on this guy, I always sum it up this way: As great as Bobby Abreu can be, he lacks that all-important Derek Jeter gene. There is no voice in his head, screaming: "This ball has to be caught." Or: "That runner on third has to be driven in." In Philadelphia, where he was the centerpiece of the franchise, that one flaw showed up way too glaringly. Now, in New York, as the Yankees flounder, they're getting aggravated over the same stuff. Funny how that happens.
Good fucking god. Bobby Abreu does not have a miniature Derek Jeter in his head, yelling at him to drive in runs or make plays in the outfield. Instead, he has a little Alex Rodriguez that sits on his right shoulder, shivering, naked, with icicles dangling from his shaped eyebrows. Little A-Rod whispers in Bobby's ear when he comes to the plate with a man on third: "You're going to fuck up, ohmygod!" Note: Bobby Abreu was great for the Yankees last year. He played like Bobby Abreu usually plays. This year, he's not doing so well. However, he's had a wonderful career, as our boy Jay has pointed out. He's played in front of difficult fans, who complain a lot, masking his awesome statistics. How does this make Bobby Abreu overrated?
6. Brian Giles
Brian Giles is also having a bad year. He's an older guy now, but in his prime, he was an MVP-level player. Not many people know this, because he played in Pittsburgh. Most recognize that he's mainly a doubles hitter these days. How does that make him overrated?
7. Alfonso Soriano
Definitely overrated. A guy with a .325 career OBP shouldn't be making $136 million over eight years. The Cubs are going to hate this guy really soon. Especially when he's making outs at the top of the lineup, instead of driving in runs in the middle of the lineup (which is where he should be). Being fast does not equal being a good leadoff hitter.
8. Richie Sexson
Uhhh....people think Richie Sexson is good? Jayson Stark pisses me off though, because he lumps Adam Dunn (who is good) with Sexson:
Sexson and Adam Dunn fit into a category of overratedness I figured I'd better get to in this column someplace: Guys We Love Because They Can Pulverize A Baseball About 900 Feet.
Why? Because they both hit home runs. That's what they are known for. Dunn, however, draws a shit ton more walks than Sexson. Adam Dunn is vastly underrated because he strikes out a lot and has a low batting average. He doesn't "play the game the right way." Seriously, people hate Adam Dunn. He's not overrated.
9. Bob Wickman
Why the hell is he on the list? Is he even "rated?" He's a fat, mediocre closer. Everyone knows this.
10. Jeff Suppan
Suppan is a league-average starting pitcher. He has a reputation for being a big-game pitcher. Now, he's making a lot of money. So yeah, probably overrated. But more overrated than David Eckstein, or Carlos Lee? I don't know about that.
Blah. Lists are stupid. Nonetheless, check out the Daily Grego's new book, A 400-Page List of the Worst Lists of All Time, when it's released in July.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Ouch!
A couple weeks ago, we here at the Daily Grego created a Facebook profile. It was our way of being more accessible to you, the loyal reader. Oh, and it also served as a decent way to advertise ourselves. Nonetheless, we were offended when, lo and behold, Facebook de-Facebooked us. So, just to let our friends know, we did not de-friend (or is it un-friend?) you. We just don't exist there anymore. So now, we really want to encourage everyone to spread the word about us. Feel free to post our articles on Facebook, even. We'd really, really appreciate it. And if anyone wants to tell Facebook's customer service rep "Clive" that he's a horse's ass, by all means. Seriously, you can't un/de-Facebook someone without telling them first!
Remember reader response?
As I've mentioned before, we at the DG often fight off pangs of remorse for the nasty things we write. Some of us lose entire minutes of sleep over it. We know we have readers who feel our work is unnecessarily mean-spirited, and we certainly don't want this to devolve into anything unseemly.
That means it's your job, readers, to keep us operating at an appropriate level of snark. Prevent us from turning malicious, but also steer us away from complacency.
Reader Jessie G. writes:
"In that "What's Going On?" column, you missed a lot of fodder -
probably because the mistakes are so frequent they've become mundane.
You should check out this paragraph specifically:
Masten, who resigned as mayor the same day Hurricane Katrina made
landfall in 2005, again showed a panache for sharing headlines. The
Adair County Ambulance District Board fired it's embattled chief, Jason
Albert, hours after the court recessed.
I won't address the super-duper-amazing transition and the extra-suave
calling-of-attention to Orear's nose for news, but I'm pretty sure we
worked our way out of "its/it's" exercises by seventh grade. It isn't
even fun to call attention to because it's (its? I don't know ... I
sure hope Word's grammar check is on ...) pretty blatant. But check out
"panache" -- Try reading the sentence with "penchant" instead. Now
there's true subtlety in error."
Jessie, you really know the way to our hearts.
Grego tossed us a slow one, and I let it float by. Let's not skim over his comparison of major headlines, either: Hurricane Katrina... and Jason Albert.
Keep the e-mails comin'. We have a real panache for reading them.
Shit, it is hard to use that word correctly.
That means it's your job, readers, to keep us operating at an appropriate level of snark. Prevent us from turning malicious, but also steer us away from complacency.
Reader Jessie G. writes:
"In that "What's Going On?" column, you missed a lot of fodder -
probably because the mistakes are so frequent they've become mundane.
You should check out this paragraph specifically:
Masten, who resigned as mayor the same day Hurricane Katrina made
landfall in 2005, again showed a panache for sharing headlines. The
Adair County Ambulance District Board fired it's embattled chief, Jason
Albert, hours after the court recessed.
I won't address the super-duper-amazing transition and the extra-suave
calling-of-attention to Orear's nose for news, but I'm pretty sure we
worked our way out of "its/it's" exercises by seventh grade. It isn't
even fun to call attention to because it's (its? I don't know ... I
sure hope Word's grammar check is on ...) pretty blatant. But check out
"panache" -- Try reading the sentence with "penchant" instead. Now
there's true subtlety in error."
Jessie, you really know the way to our hearts.
Grego tossed us a slow one, and I let it float by. Let's not skim over his comparison of major headlines, either: Hurricane Katrina... and Jason Albert.
Keep the e-mails comin'. We have a real panache for reading them.
Shit, it is hard to use that word correctly.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Chop, chop!
Sports columnists can't resist writing choppy one-line paragraphs. It makes their columns feel folksy. Accessible. Conversational. Hey, we like to do the same thing sometimes.
Just not all the time.
Know what else sportswriters can't resist? Weird, archaic references to old things. Stuff grandpa remembers. Stuff from the golden years of childhood. The good ol' days. Again, folksy stuff.
In today's Philadelphia Inquirer, Sam Donnellon goes for the double whammy.
Not only are the Yankees in grave danger of missing the postseason, they are in grave danger of playing in meaningless games in September.
The Yanks used to say "there's no place like home."
But they're not in Kansas anymore.
Actually, they never were.
They're just playing like it.
Yankees fans are singing "If I Only Had a Team."
In Philly, we're hoping to land somewhere over the rainbow.
Where the dreams we dare to dream...
...really do come true.
Done! Now leave me alone. Bedknobs and Broomsticks is on.
Just not all the time.
Know what else sportswriters can't resist? Weird, archaic references to old things. Stuff grandpa remembers. Stuff from the golden years of childhood. The good ol' days. Again, folksy stuff.
In today's Philadelphia Inquirer, Sam Donnellon goes for the double whammy.
Not only are the Yankees in grave danger of missing the postseason, they are in grave danger of playing in meaningless games in September.
The last time that happened was in 1992.
And we all know what happened with the Phillies in 1993.
So it's a good omen, right? The Yanks in the tank is good for baseball, even better for fans of the Phils.
Ding dong the Yanks are dead, the Yanks are dead, the Yanks are dead;
Ding dong, the wicked Yanks are dead . . .
Hold it right there, Munchkins.
You might not want a house to land on them just yet.
(Let's just go ahead and finish this column for Sam. He's worked hard enough.)The Yanks used to say "there's no place like home."
But they're not in Kansas anymore.
Actually, they never were.
They're just playing like it.
Yankees fans are singing "If I Only Had a Team."
In Philly, we're hoping to land somewhere over the rainbow.
Where the dreams we dare to dream...
...really do come true.
Done! Now leave me alone. Bedknobs and Broomsticks is on.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Inside Grego's computer
What's Going On (abridged version)
It's over.
For more than two years, Kirksville has been engulfed in the saga surrounding Debbie Masten and the New Year's Day fire at her bar, Too Talls Two.
Hasn't been much else "Going On" in those two years. You're aware of this if you've ever read Grego's paper.
Now, after the investigation, eight-day trial and two-hour deliberation, a federal jury returned a guilty verdict that is satisfying, devastating, gratifying, disappointing and shocking all at the same time for various interested parties.
A paragraph that is boring, befuddling, plodding, uninteresting, tiring and drudging -- simultaneously and separately -- for a variety of reader-type people.
Is this really the best way to describe the verdict? Or any verdict? How does Grego come up with these things?
It's over.
For more than two years, Kirksville has been engulfed in the saga surrounding Debbie Masten and the New Year's Day fire at her bar, Too Talls Two.
Hasn't been much else "Going On" in those two years. You're aware of this if you've ever read Grego's paper.
Now, after the investigation, eight-day trial and two-hour deliberation, a federal jury returned a guilty verdict that is satisfying, devastating, gratifying, disappointing and shocking all at the same time for various interested parties.
A paragraph that is boring, befuddling, plodding, uninteresting, tiring and drudging -- simultaneously and separately -- for a variety of reader-type people.
Is this really the best way to describe the verdict? Or any verdict? How does Grego come up with these things?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Anne T. Garcia is not down with steaming man-on-man action
The Monroe County Clarion is one of many "suburban journals" distributed by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. On Tuesday, Anne T. Garcia, who apparently believes in God, wrote a column about the House's "hate crime legislation" bill. Thank you, Anne, for making things easy for me. It's like making fun of scenes in early 90s films where characters talk on giant cell phones. Only, those people probably use really cool razor phones today that can survive falls off of balconies and other high places. They, like most people, adapt. So, we laugh at them knowing that they are not as stupid as they looked in 1992. Anne T. Garcia does not adapt.
"Hate Crimes in Sodom and America"
Wow, where is this headed? I can read this for free?
Earlier this month, on the National Day of Prayer, the House of Representatives passed HR1592, the so-called "hate crimes legislation."
Wait, you're telling me that they weren't praying on the National Day of Prayer? They were passing laws instead? Heathens. Thank goodness for 2-year terms.
The thinking was Christians were preoccupied with the Day of Prayer and wouldn't notice.
That's a bold statement. Got anything to back that up, or did you just reach into your bamboo chute for that one? Anne, a word of advice: The House of Representatives is made up of 435 people. Most of them are Christians.
We noticed. U.S. Rep. Jerry Costello should be ashamed of himself. This bill does not reflect the views of his constituents.
"We"? As in, every single god-damned Christian? Someone tell Brian Lamb, the founder of C-Span. His advertisers are probably bathing in God's saliva.
Brian Lamb: "Ugh, the live coverage of the House floor sure does get dull, doesn't it, assistant?"
Assistant: "Mr. Lamb, 2.1 BILLION people are watching right now. God himself wants to advertise on our network."
Brian Lamb: "Assistant, when was the last time we gave you a 2000% raise?"
Anne, how do you know that HR1592 doesn't reflect the views of Jerry Costello's constituents? Show us some data!
Those now slated to receive special protection include homosexuals, cross-dressers, transvestites and transsexuals. This legislation would put the aforementioned group under the umbrella of protection of the Civil Rights bill of 1964. That bill was drafted, you recall, to address the inequalities suffered by our Black citizens, who had endured centuries of abuse.
Cross-dressers and transvestites are the same thing. "Aforementioned group"? Try "groups." So, you're saying that black people suffered centuries of abuse before 1964, when one of the Civil Rights bills was passed. This is true. We'll remember this piece of information as we continue to go through this article.
Kudos to the conservatives on the Judiciary Committee, who tried to include unborn children, the elderly, the military, police officers and pregnant women in the "protected group." But the Libs said no, proving their true motive. It's not about protecting minorities, it's about moving our country away from God.
Those groups are not minorities in the sense that gay people are minorities. There aren't many rednecks walking around saying "maaaannnn, I'm gonna go out and fuck up some old people tonight!" In many jurisdictions, harming pregnant women will get you in twice the amount of trouble, especially if you interfere with the woman's right to give birth. If you punch a police officer, you'll get in more trouble than if you punch, let's say, a janitor.
But Anne, you're right. If you visit the "National Foundation of Queer-Loving Liberals" website, and click on "Our Mission," you will see that, indeed, they want to move this country away from God. Seriously, the Dude like, never showers.
News anchors, talk show hosts and just plain folks wonder what's going on. What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now? Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.
"Yup, ol' Randy's not a news anchor, or a talk show host."
"That must mean that he's just a plain folk!"
"You, my friend, are correct."
Anne, when you say that people "wonder what's going on," you should quote someone who actually wonders what's going on.
What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now?
Duh, we're all having butt sex. I thought you knew that?
Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.
Anne, I encourage you to read an American history book. Not like, a high school history book titled "American History: An Eagle's Journey," but something written for adults. There, you will find many cases where ethics were thrown out the window. For example, the enslavement of blacks, racial segregation, and gender inequality (which persists to this day). In fact, a lot of historians are looking at the mistreatment of gay people in the United States. You know, something you adhere to.
When Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, he determined that "all men are created equal."
Thomas Jefferson's train of thought while writing the Declaration, according to Anne T. Garcia: "OK, so I have to write this thing. Poppycock! You know what, James? I have determined that all men are created equal!" Note: Thomas Jefferson was a deist.
Not any more. Under the Democratic hate crimes bill, those with a proclivity toward sexual deviancy are going to be a little more equal than the rest of us.
One should remember that, according to Garcia, having sex with your shirt off is a form of "sexual deviancy."
...a little more equal than the rest of us.
Let's put it this way; if someone assaults a minister and spray paints "Jesus is Satan" on his car door, they will be charged with a hate crime in many jurisdictions.
Historically in America, homosexuality was considered to be sin. It was against the law in most states.
In the 20th century it became sanitized as mental illness.
Earlier: "Black people have suffered centuries of abuse!"
Now: "So too have homosexuals...but they deserve it!"
Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.
Tell me, Anne; when was the last time you had sex?
Today it is flagrant "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."
"Raise your hand if you've ever heard a gay person say that....no one? OK. Raise your hand if you've heard someone who hates gay people say that? Twelve of you? Out of thirteen? Interesting."
Young people are being actively recruited into a lifestyle that will ultimately cost them their eternal salvation-and all of us should care.
This is very true. The military recruits lots of young people.
The great apostle Paul chronicled the debasement of sinful man, as he professes to be wise, ignoring the Word of God:
Garcia goes on to cherry-pick vague bits of scripture. What a great way to prove a point.
"God gave them up to vile passions. For even the women exchanged then natural use for what is against nature . . . men, leaving the natural use of women, burned in their lust for one another . . ." (Romans 1:26,27).
Also against nature: pooping in toilets.
What's the end game, you may wonder?
Isn't it a French play?
The answer is a debased mind filled with all unrighteousness, covetousness, deceit, haters of God and violent inventors of evil things(Romans 1:28-30).
That pretty much defines the people pushing this legislation in Washington, D.C.
That pretty much defines whatever you want it to define. The War in Iraq. The St. Louis Cardinals starting rotation.
Paul wrote those words of warning to the Romans.
And he did such a good job of summing up Rome's problems!
Rome fell.
This is stupid, conventional-wisdom horse shit. Rome didn't "fall" in one day. People didn't wake up one morning and say "holy shit, Rome fell!" Some didn't even know they were living in an empire. In the east, where most of Rome's power had shifted, the Empire lived for several more centuries. There's no set date. It's completely ambiguous. Some people say it's when Constantine died, or in 410, when the Visigoths sacked Rome. Or in 476. Or in 1453. Or that it never existed at all. Or that America is Rome. It's so complicated that Paul was probably sitting up there in heaven, sipping wine with Jesus, thinking "holy shit, I don't know what the fuck is going on!" to which Jesus responded "Neither does my dad. We were fishing the other day, and he was like 'Whoa! Wassup with my homeboys in Rome?'"
It would behoove us, the electorate, to vote such people out of Congress and replace them with righteous, God-fearing men and women. God is not mocked.
I think you meant "Gay-bashing," not "God-fearing." Anne, it would "behoove" the electorate if you stopped speaking for them. You're speaking for a lot of people who would probably smack you in the face and say "behoove that, cracker!"
If we don't turn back to God, America will fall also.
You heard it here, first. America is falling, one capri pant at a time.
"Hate Crimes in Sodom and America"
Wow, where is this headed? I can read this for free?
Earlier this month, on the National Day of Prayer, the House of Representatives passed HR1592, the so-called "hate crimes legislation."
Wait, you're telling me that they weren't praying on the National Day of Prayer? They were passing laws instead? Heathens. Thank goodness for 2-year terms.
The thinking was Christians were preoccupied with the Day of Prayer and wouldn't notice.
That's a bold statement. Got anything to back that up, or did you just reach into your bamboo chute for that one? Anne, a word of advice: The House of Representatives is made up of 435 people. Most of them are Christians.
We noticed. U.S. Rep. Jerry Costello should be ashamed of himself. This bill does not reflect the views of his constituents.
"We"? As in, every single god-damned Christian? Someone tell Brian Lamb, the founder of C-Span. His advertisers are probably bathing in God's saliva.
Brian Lamb: "Ugh, the live coverage of the House floor sure does get dull, doesn't it, assistant?"
Assistant: "Mr. Lamb, 2.1 BILLION people are watching right now. God himself wants to advertise on our network."
Brian Lamb: "Assistant, when was the last time we gave you a 2000% raise?"
Anne, how do you know that HR1592 doesn't reflect the views of Jerry Costello's constituents? Show us some data!
Those now slated to receive special protection include homosexuals, cross-dressers, transvestites and transsexuals. This legislation would put the aforementioned group under the umbrella of protection of the Civil Rights bill of 1964. That bill was drafted, you recall, to address the inequalities suffered by our Black citizens, who had endured centuries of abuse.
Cross-dressers and transvestites are the same thing. "Aforementioned group"? Try "groups." So, you're saying that black people suffered centuries of abuse before 1964, when one of the Civil Rights bills was passed. This is true. We'll remember this piece of information as we continue to go through this article.
Kudos to the conservatives on the Judiciary Committee, who tried to include unborn children, the elderly, the military, police officers and pregnant women in the "protected group." But the Libs said no, proving their true motive. It's not about protecting minorities, it's about moving our country away from God.
Those groups are not minorities in the sense that gay people are minorities. There aren't many rednecks walking around saying "maaaannnn, I'm gonna go out and fuck up some old people tonight!" In many jurisdictions, harming pregnant women will get you in twice the amount of trouble, especially if you interfere with the woman's right to give birth. If you punch a police officer, you'll get in more trouble than if you punch, let's say, a janitor.
But Anne, you're right. If you visit the "National Foundation of Queer-Loving Liberals" website, and click on "Our Mission," you will see that, indeed, they want to move this country away from God. Seriously, the Dude like, never showers.
News anchors, talk show hosts and just plain folks wonder what's going on. What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now? Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.
"Yup, ol' Randy's not a news anchor, or a talk show host."
"That must mean that he's just a plain folk!"
"You, my friend, are correct."
Anne, when you say that people "wonder what's going on," you should quote someone who actually wonders what's going on.
What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now?
Duh, we're all having butt sex. I thought you knew that?
Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.
Anne, I encourage you to read an American history book. Not like, a high school history book titled "American History: An Eagle's Journey," but something written for adults. There, you will find many cases where ethics were thrown out the window. For example, the enslavement of blacks, racial segregation, and gender inequality (which persists to this day). In fact, a lot of historians are looking at the mistreatment of gay people in the United States. You know, something you adhere to.
When Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, he determined that "all men are created equal."
Thomas Jefferson's train of thought while writing the Declaration, according to Anne T. Garcia: "OK, so I have to write this thing. Poppycock! You know what, James? I have determined that all men are created equal!" Note: Thomas Jefferson was a deist.
Not any more. Under the Democratic hate crimes bill, those with a proclivity toward sexual deviancy are going to be a little more equal than the rest of us.
One should remember that, according to Garcia, having sex with your shirt off is a form of "sexual deviancy."
...a little more equal than the rest of us.
Let's put it this way; if someone assaults a minister and spray paints "Jesus is Satan" on his car door, they will be charged with a hate crime in many jurisdictions.
Historically in America, homosexuality was considered to be sin. It was against the law in most states.
In the 20th century it became sanitized as mental illness.
Earlier: "Black people have suffered centuries of abuse!"
Now: "So too have homosexuals...but they deserve it!"
Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.
Tell me, Anne; when was the last time you had sex?
Today it is flagrant "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."
"Raise your hand if you've ever heard a gay person say that....no one? OK. Raise your hand if you've heard someone who hates gay people say that? Twelve of you? Out of thirteen? Interesting."
Young people are being actively recruited into a lifestyle that will ultimately cost them their eternal salvation-and all of us should care.
This is very true. The military recruits lots of young people.
The great apostle Paul chronicled the debasement of sinful man, as he professes to be wise, ignoring the Word of God:
Garcia goes on to cherry-pick vague bits of scripture. What a great way to prove a point.
"God gave them up to vile passions. For even the women exchanged then natural use for what is against nature . . . men, leaving the natural use of women, burned in their lust for one another . . ." (Romans 1:26,27).
Also against nature: pooping in toilets.
What's the end game, you may wonder?
Isn't it a French play?
The answer is a debased mind filled with all unrighteousness, covetousness, deceit, haters of God and violent inventors of evil things(Romans 1:28-30).
That pretty much defines the people pushing this legislation in Washington, D.C.
That pretty much defines whatever you want it to define. The War in Iraq. The St. Louis Cardinals starting rotation.
Paul wrote those words of warning to the Romans.
And he did such a good job of summing up Rome's problems!
Rome fell.
This is stupid, conventional-wisdom horse shit. Rome didn't "fall" in one day. People didn't wake up one morning and say "holy shit, Rome fell!" Some didn't even know they were living in an empire. In the east, where most of Rome's power had shifted, the Empire lived for several more centuries. There's no set date. It's completely ambiguous. Some people say it's when Constantine died, or in 410, when the Visigoths sacked Rome. Or in 476. Or in 1453. Or that it never existed at all. Or that America is Rome. It's so complicated that Paul was probably sitting up there in heaven, sipping wine with Jesus, thinking "holy shit, I don't know what the fuck is going on!" to which Jesus responded "Neither does my dad. We were fishing the other day, and he was like 'Whoa! Wassup with my homeboys in Rome?'"
It would behoove us, the electorate, to vote such people out of Congress and replace them with righteous, God-fearing men and women. God is not mocked.
I think you meant "Gay-bashing," not "God-fearing." Anne, it would "behoove" the electorate if you stopped speaking for them. You're speaking for a lot of people who would probably smack you in the face and say "behoove that, cracker!"
If we don't turn back to God, America will fall also.
You heard it here, first. America is falling, one capri pant at a time.
Ah, letters
Letters to the editor: not really our cup of tea. We prefer to make fun of stuff written by professionals. But... this one hurt. Really. Got us right in the coconuts. Enter Tri-County Journal reader Nathan B.:
It's amazing how brave people are when they can hide. This is evidenced by the raucous participation of readers in the Sound Off! section of this publication.
I wouldn't say it's amazing, but yeah. People are more likely to speak up if they don't fear consequences. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
I know the LAST thing today's newspapers need is raucous participation. More tepidness, please!
It's easy to complain when you can do it without people wondering who you are. Now, get some guts and sign your name to your opinions.
OK, it sounds macho to say you're not afraid to print your gulldurn name with your galldang opinion, but come on. What's so cowardly about an anonymous comment? And if that's so bad, what about an entire anonymous BLOG?
If you have a point to make, write a letter and sign your name - it adds credibility as well as allows for the public to know that it's not the same people calling (or writing) every week.
If there's anything I hate about newspapers, it's reading the same -- SAME! -- writers every damn day.
Doesn't anonymity help combat some of the preconceived notions other readers might have? In a small newspaper, isn't that at least somewhat valuable? If we can evaluate ideas based on their merits rather than their sources, aren't we better off?
*Sniff*
*Sniffle*
*Single teardrop, shed out of pure love for journalism*
As for the Journal, you should require your readers to give their name or at least provide some outlet for readers to know that they're not seeing the same people's thoughts every week.
Quantity and quality of comments decrease when readers aren't allowed to respond anonymously. Maybe some limits are in order. But why condescend?
If anything, requiring identification would increase the probability of seeing the same readers' thoughts every week.
I'm sure the section is a big draw for you, but how about some journalistic integrity?
Truthfully, Nate, we're asking people the same question.
We're just not signing our names.
It's amazing how brave people are when they can hide. This is evidenced by the raucous participation of readers in the Sound Off! section of this publication.
I wouldn't say it's amazing, but yeah. People are more likely to speak up if they don't fear consequences. Is this necessarily a bad thing?
I know the LAST thing today's newspapers need is raucous participation. More tepidness, please!
It's easy to complain when you can do it without people wondering who you are. Now, get some guts and sign your name to your opinions.
OK, it sounds macho to say you're not afraid to print your gulldurn name with your galldang opinion, but come on. What's so cowardly about an anonymous comment? And if that's so bad, what about an entire anonymous BLOG?
If you have a point to make, write a letter and sign your name - it adds credibility as well as allows for the public to know that it's not the same people calling (or writing) every week.
If there's anything I hate about newspapers, it's reading the same -- SAME! -- writers every damn day.
Doesn't anonymity help combat some of the preconceived notions other readers might have? In a small newspaper, isn't that at least somewhat valuable? If we can evaluate ideas based on their merits rather than their sources, aren't we better off?
*Sniff*
*Sniffle*
*Single teardrop, shed out of pure love for journalism*
As for the Journal, you should require your readers to give their name or at least provide some outlet for readers to know that they're not seeing the same people's thoughts every week.
Quantity and quality of comments decrease when readers aren't allowed to respond anonymously. Maybe some limits are in order. But why condescend?
If anything, requiring identification would increase the probability of seeing the same readers' thoughts every week.
I'm sure the section is a big draw for you, but how about some journalistic integrity?
Truthfully, Nate, we're asking people the same question.
We're just not signing our names.
If you die in Quincy, Il., people will know
Quincy, Illinois is a wonderful, historic town (the site of the sixth Lincoln-Douglas debate!). This is reflected by the title of their newspaper, the Quincy Herald-Whig. Somehow, the fine people at The Whig got the rights for the Whig.com domain name. You'd think that some honky history buff would have snatched that one up in 1994. Even though it's a decent looking site (at least compared to KDE.com), there's one glaring oddity. Check out the tabs at the top of the page. Pretty standard stuff, for the most part.
"Home - oh lookie, you've been scouring through the digital Whig, and you want to get back to the homepage...by all means, click here!"
"Sports - Ah yes, you want to see the box score for Quincy University's gridiron battle against Olivet Nazarene. We will show you the way, curious visitor!"
"Events - This town is off da hook! Check out what's going on in Quincy, go-getter!"
And then....
"DEATHS - *gulp*"
"Home - oh lookie, you've been scouring through the digital Whig, and you want to get back to the homepage...by all means, click here!"
"Sports - Ah yes, you want to see the box score for Quincy University's gridiron battle against Olivet Nazarene. We will show you the way, curious visitor!"
"Events - This town is off da hook! Check out what's going on in Quincy, go-getter!"
And then....
"DEATHS - *gulp*"
Friday, May 18, 2007
If you're an editor at the KDE, your thumb probably smells like your butt
Truman State University offers a class called "COMM 492: Principles of what not to do when you write for newspapers"...OK, not really. But if they did, the first paragraph of this story would make it into the textbook.
KIRKSVILLE - A more than 18,000-pair boost this month to the Shoes for Orphan Souls campaign is due to efforts of north Missouri Rotary Clubs, and the Kirksville chapter honored member Scott Ellis Wednesday for leading the local effort.
I can't wrap my brain around it. Who allows this shit to be printed? There wasn't an author named for this article, but I have my suspicions...oh, cool..."What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye just started playing on iTunes. I really enjoy that song.
KIRKSVILLE - A more than 18,000-pair boost this month to the Shoes for Orphan Souls campaign is due to efforts of north Missouri Rotary Clubs, and the Kirksville chapter honored member Scott Ellis Wednesday for leading the local effort.
I can't wrap my brain around it. Who allows this shit to be printed? There wasn't an author named for this article, but I have my suspicions...oh, cool..."What's Going On?" by Marvin Gaye just started playing on iTunes. I really enjoy that song.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
David Blaine likes Yao Ming
This year's NBA playoffs have been very entertaining, especially the games on TNT featuring the studio crew of Kenny Smith, "Challes" Barkley, and Ernie Johnson. However, that god damned commercial with David Blaine is really getting on my nerves. It goes something like this....
It's been said that Yao Ming blocks as many shots as two men....
Yeah, Yao Ming is a good shot blocker (he's like 10'11"), but not good enough to justify this commercial. Yao's career per game block average is 1.9. League average is like .07, so yeah...he's good. Hakeem Olajuwon's career average: 3.1. Shaq's is 2.5. Alonzo's is 2.8. I know I'm nitpicking, but I hate how the networks produce misleading ads. This would make the average fan think that Yao is to shot blocking as Albert Pujols is to being a great Dominican hitter.
We here at the Daily Grego like Yao Ming, but we think he should be averaging 40 points, 22 rebounds, and 8 blocks a game. He's 10'11" for Christ's sake! Knock it off with the fade-away jumpers!
It's been said that Yao Ming blocks as many shots as two men....
Yeah, Yao Ming is a good shot blocker (he's like 10'11"), but not good enough to justify this commercial. Yao's career per game block average is 1.9. League average is like .07, so yeah...he's good. Hakeem Olajuwon's career average: 3.1. Shaq's is 2.5. Alonzo's is 2.8. I know I'm nitpicking, but I hate how the networks produce misleading ads. This would make the average fan think that Yao is to shot blocking as Albert Pujols is to being a great Dominican hitter.
We here at the Daily Grego like Yao Ming, but we think he should be averaging 40 points, 22 rebounds, and 8 blocks a game. He's 10'11" for Christ's sake! Knock it off with the fade-away jumpers!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Alert readers DO make a difference
You know, we're awfully hard on people here... and truthfully? Sometimes we feel bad about it. Yeah. That's right; even asshole bloggers have feelings. Sometimes we wonder if we can keep up the rude, know-it-all criticisms or if the Golden Rule guilt will eventually wear us down into soft, compliant appreciators of mushy newspaper content.
Then we thumb through our Grego archives and snap out of it.
But still. We're human. So when one of our subjects (targets?) accomplishes something of redeeming value, well, darn it, we can appreciate that. We're not completely self-absorbed.
Now, Bill McClellan didn't do anything to make us reconsider our fighting stance on his computer column. That thing was beyond help. He did, however, do something many columnists will never even consider.
He admitted he was wrong.
From Bill's reader Tracy D.:
"In your column on Wednesday, you said that you didn't care if your roofers had green cards. This says two things about you. You're not prejudiced against illegal immigrants. Your job is not threatened by illegal immigrants.
"If as many of these illegal immigrants were coming to the U.S. to be journalists as are coming to do construction work, I think you would have a different opinion, but then I wouldn't know your opinion because I'd be reading a column written by an illegal immigrant who was willing to work for less than half of your salary with no benefits. You, on the other hand, would be in the unemployment line wondering why other Americans didn't care if their columnists had green cards."
I read that and thought, HA! OOO, BILL! Whaddya say to THAT?
That certainly put things in a different light. I read that note, and thought about it, and admitted to myself that Tracy was 100 percent right.
He goes on to write a very solid and interesting column. Read it here. If he keeps up this kind of writing, we may have to invite him to join the Daily Grego staff!
*Imagines Bill handing in oily, typewritten sheets of parchment paper*
...Naaah.
Then we thumb through our Grego archives and snap out of it.
But still. We're human. So when one of our subjects (targets?) accomplishes something of redeeming value, well, darn it, we can appreciate that. We're not completely self-absorbed.
Now, Bill McClellan didn't do anything to make us reconsider our fighting stance on his computer column. That thing was beyond help. He did, however, do something many columnists will never even consider.
He admitted he was wrong.
From Bill's reader Tracy D.:
"In your column on Wednesday, you said that you didn't care if your roofers had green cards. This says two things about you. You're not prejudiced against illegal immigrants. Your job is not threatened by illegal immigrants.
"If as many of these illegal immigrants were coming to the U.S. to be journalists as are coming to do construction work, I think you would have a different opinion, but then I wouldn't know your opinion because I'd be reading a column written by an illegal immigrant who was willing to work for less than half of your salary with no benefits. You, on the other hand, would be in the unemployment line wondering why other Americans didn't care if their columnists had green cards."
I read that and thought, HA! OOO, BILL! Whaddya say to THAT?
That certainly put things in a different light. I read that note, and thought about it, and admitted to myself that Tracy was 100 percent right.
He goes on to write a very solid and interesting column. Read it here. If he keeps up this kind of writing, we may have to invite him to join the Daily Grego staff!
*Imagines Bill handing in oily, typewritten sheets of parchment paper*
...Naaah.
Geraldo Rivera - Blogger?
Making fun of Geraldo is like taking candy from a baby...nay, a dead baby. However, the guy loves putting himself out there, even though he has to know that everyone thinks he's a retard.
Geraldo.com is actually a blog, titled "Geraldo: Horizons." I think it should be called "Blograldo," but that's just me. Check out the sailboat logo...I envision the mustached one riding atop a mast during a hurricane, taunting God, Lieutenant Dan-style: "COME AND GET ME, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!?!?!?!" Anyway, Geraldo's latest post covers an array of topics. Let's take a look.
Sorry I've been so long away.
Oh, Geraldo. It's OK, buddy. We know you've been busy.
Life gets so busy with so many public and private events competing for center stage in the heart and mind that it is easy to avoid doing the optional in favor of doing just the mandatory.
There's a stage in Geraldo's heart and mind, and it has a center, where all those public and private events want to be. Backstage, groupies and fellow war correspondents drink cocktails, smoke cigars, and play card games around small tables. At the center of each table: A small, hand-carved, wooden sailboat.
Let's start with the death of the incomparable Kurt Vonnegut.
Let's! Actually, Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author. Incomparable indeed.
Along with Rand, Forester, Tolstoy, and Tolkien, Vonnegut's writings helped shape my world.
OK, incomparable, except for the fact that, along with these authors, he shaped Geraldo's world. I'm going to ballpark it and say that Tolkien shaped Geraldo's world the most. He lives in a fantasy, with homo-erotic little people, "debates" with Bill O'Reilly, Afghan machine gun fire whizzing past his temples, and a mustache so venerable that it will have its own funeral when he dies.
Kurt was the first famous person I really knew. As a young reporter for 'Eyewitness News' in New York in 1971, I met and married his beautiful daughter Edith Vonnegut, a brilliant artist in her own right.
"He was the first famous person I really knew, not counting myself."
Edith Vonnegut divorced Geraldo in 1975.
Hanging around Kurt at the family's home in Barnstable Massachusetts was a treat for someone as socially and esthetically ignorant as I was.
You don't say? Geraldo, have you ever watched a tape of one of your interviews?
OK, so he's covered Vonnegut's death. What's next?
Bill O'Reilly and I had a real slugfest a couple of weeks ago.
From a beloved author to a universally despised pundit!
Without rehashing the argument over whether the chaos, pain and loss inflicted by an illegal alien's drunk driving is any worse than a legal resident's drunk driving, I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited, and proof that Fox News is not the ideologically limited or slanted organization some of our critics narrow-mindedly allege.
"I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited...."
Wait a second, what were you and Wild Bill doing, again?
Oh, OK. You and Bill argued about illegal aliens. Yada yada. Yeah, that proves it: Fox News really is fair and balanced.
All righty, that was quick. Nothing more about Bill O'Reilly. What's next?
Now to Virginia Tech...
Gah!
...where the malignant loner Cho Seung-Hui emerges as a prototypical mass murderer, unnaturally quiet, socially awkward, picked-on, and harboring a festering fury that he unleashed on the innocent.
In describing the Virginia Tech killer, Geraldo Rivera gave himself an adjective-induced orgasm.
This wasn't the ultimate 'Revenge of the Nerds'. The reason that series of films and similar stories became so popular is that the underdog gets his day by turning the tables on the bully.
Thank you, G, for pointing this out. People who asserted that the VT massacre was "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque were WRONG! You go, man!
For the next 2 or 3 paragraphs, Geraldo talks about Virginia gun laws, how Cho shouldn't have been able to get his hands on a gun, and so on. Pretty serious stuff. Then he switches topics. What's next, G?
And I'm still reeling from the outrageous telephone message that Alec Baldwin meant only for his 11-year old daughter, Ireland, to hear...but today, the angry, threatening words are being heard around the world after the voicemail was leaked to the press.
"The Commonwealth of Virginia needs to get with it! The massacre would have been prevented, if not for the irrational adherence to the second amendment! And I'm SHOCKED that the dastardly Alec Baldwin uttered such despicable, hatred-laden words to his angelic 11-year old daughter!"
More than two-minutes in length, the dreadful diatribe is laced with insults and even, what seems the threat of violence.
Out of curiosity, I listened to the message. It was fucking hilarious!
As the father of a girl the same age as Ireland, I am stunned by Baldwin's words and believe they verge on child abuse.
According to Wikipedia, Geraldo is going to be 64 in July, meaning, he knocked someone up at the tender age of 52. Wowie wow wow!
Admittedly, the message comes in the midst of the prolonged, public, ugly, custody fight over the 11-year old between Baldwin and ex-wife, Kim Bassinger.
Why is the word "admittedly" necessary in this sentence?
Her spokeswoman says the message speaks for itself.
She's right.
I think it speaks to the fact that Alec Baldwin is really funny! Have you seen 30 Rock, G?
And so it goes.
Geraldo, I've read Slaughterhouse-Five. In it, Vonnegut uses the simple phrase "so it goes" to transition from subject to subject. It is an effective, innovative technique. You're paying homage to him (who you say you were close to) by using the phrase in a blog entry that went from "Virginia Tech : Holy shit!" to "Alec Baldwin : Phone message!" without a legitimate transitional phrase. Unless, of course, "and" fits the bill. So it goes!
Geraldo.com is actually a blog, titled "Geraldo: Horizons." I think it should be called "Blograldo," but that's just me. Check out the sailboat logo...I envision the mustached one riding atop a mast during a hurricane, taunting God, Lieutenant Dan-style: "COME AND GET ME, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!?!?!?!" Anyway, Geraldo's latest post covers an array of topics. Let's take a look.
Sorry I've been so long away.
Oh, Geraldo. It's OK, buddy. We know you've been busy.
Life gets so busy with so many public and private events competing for center stage in the heart and mind that it is easy to avoid doing the optional in favor of doing just the mandatory.
There's a stage in Geraldo's heart and mind, and it has a center, where all those public and private events want to be. Backstage, groupies and fellow war correspondents drink cocktails, smoke cigars, and play card games around small tables. At the center of each table: A small, hand-carved, wooden sailboat.
Let's start with the death of the incomparable Kurt Vonnegut.
Let's! Actually, Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author. Incomparable indeed.
Along with Rand, Forester, Tolstoy, and Tolkien, Vonnegut's writings helped shape my world.
OK, incomparable, except for the fact that, along with these authors, he shaped Geraldo's world. I'm going to ballpark it and say that Tolkien shaped Geraldo's world the most. He lives in a fantasy, with homo-erotic little people, "debates" with Bill O'Reilly, Afghan machine gun fire whizzing past his temples, and a mustache so venerable that it will have its own funeral when he dies.
Kurt was the first famous person I really knew. As a young reporter for 'Eyewitness News' in New York in 1971, I met and married his beautiful daughter Edith Vonnegut, a brilliant artist in her own right.
"He was the first famous person I really knew, not counting myself."
Edith Vonnegut divorced Geraldo in 1975.
Hanging around Kurt at the family's home in Barnstable Massachusetts was a treat for someone as socially and esthetically ignorant as I was.
You don't say? Geraldo, have you ever watched a tape of one of your interviews?
OK, so he's covered Vonnegut's death. What's next?
Bill O'Reilly and I had a real slugfest a couple of weeks ago.
From a beloved author to a universally despised pundit!
Without rehashing the argument over whether the chaos, pain and loss inflicted by an illegal alien's drunk driving is any worse than a legal resident's drunk driving, I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited, and proof that Fox News is not the ideologically limited or slanted organization some of our critics narrow-mindedly allege.
"I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited...."
Wait a second, what were you and Wild Bill doing, again?
Oh, OK. You and Bill argued about illegal aliens. Yada yada. Yeah, that proves it: Fox News really is fair and balanced.
All righty, that was quick. Nothing more about Bill O'Reilly. What's next?
Now to Virginia Tech...
Gah!
...where the malignant loner Cho Seung-Hui emerges as a prototypical mass murderer, unnaturally quiet, socially awkward, picked-on, and harboring a festering fury that he unleashed on the innocent.
In describing the Virginia Tech killer, Geraldo Rivera gave himself an adjective-induced orgasm.
This wasn't the ultimate 'Revenge of the Nerds'. The reason that series of films and similar stories became so popular is that the underdog gets his day by turning the tables on the bully.
Thank you, G, for pointing this out. People who asserted that the VT massacre was "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque were WRONG! You go, man!
For the next 2 or 3 paragraphs, Geraldo talks about Virginia gun laws, how Cho shouldn't have been able to get his hands on a gun, and so on. Pretty serious stuff. Then he switches topics. What's next, G?
And I'm still reeling from the outrageous telephone message that Alec Baldwin meant only for his 11-year old daughter, Ireland, to hear...but today, the angry, threatening words are being heard around the world after the voicemail was leaked to the press.
"The Commonwealth of Virginia needs to get with it! The massacre would have been prevented, if not for the irrational adherence to the second amendment! And I'm SHOCKED that the dastardly Alec Baldwin uttered such despicable, hatred-laden words to his angelic 11-year old daughter!"
More than two-minutes in length, the dreadful diatribe is laced with insults and even, what seems the threat of violence.
Out of curiosity, I listened to the message. It was fucking hilarious!
As the father of a girl the same age as Ireland, I am stunned by Baldwin's words and believe they verge on child abuse.
According to Wikipedia, Geraldo is going to be 64 in July, meaning, he knocked someone up at the tender age of 52. Wowie wow wow!
Admittedly, the message comes in the midst of the prolonged, public, ugly, custody fight over the 11-year old between Baldwin and ex-wife, Kim Bassinger.
Why is the word "admittedly" necessary in this sentence?
Her spokeswoman says the message speaks for itself.
She's right.
I think it speaks to the fact that Alec Baldwin is really funny! Have you seen 30 Rock, G?
And so it goes.
Geraldo, I've read Slaughterhouse-Five. In it, Vonnegut uses the simple phrase "so it goes" to transition from subject to subject. It is an effective, innovative technique. You're paying homage to him (who you say you were close to) by using the phrase in a blog entry that went from "Virginia Tech : Holy shit!" to "Alec Baldwin : Phone message!" without a legitimate transitional phrase. Unless, of course, "and" fits the bill. So it goes!
Monday, May 14, 2007
The Travels of Marc Kozak
College kid guest-writing for professional newspaper. A breath of fresh air, right?
ENNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
(That's the Grego buzzer.)
A road trip — and a lesson in regional stereotypes
The two go hand in hand. It will be interesting to see which stereotypes you discuss. Racial? Political? Cultural? Such possibilities!
I always thought St. Louis was a real city until I went to school near Chicago. Invariably, after telling anyone where I was from, I got the same reaction: "St. Louis? Whaddaya got, that big arc, right? You gotta farm in the backyard? Geez, Mike, this guy wouldn't last a day on the Southside. Get me a pop, wouldya?"
Oh. This is going to make me mad, isn't it?
After pausing briefly to wonder what pop was, I resolved to label everyone from Chicago an obnoxious moron. Yes, this was very mature of me, but hey, they started it.
Marc Kozak, pausing, thinking, pondering stereotypes: "Wait. What the fuck is pop???" If you're on a lucrative television quiz show, and you have one lifeline left, and it's a moderately tough question and the answer is just teetering, tantalizing you on the very tippiest tip of your tongue... don't use your phone-a-friend to call Marc Kozak. Just go with your gut instinct. Or a wild, flying hunch. Marc will be fucking stumped.
The pop vs. soda debate was funny freshman year. Marc, you'd better be a freshman.
A few months later, someone tricked me into actually visiting the Windy City for the first time, and I was overwhelmed. There I was in the middle of a sprawl of impossibly tall buildings, absurd traffic pile-ups and incomprehensible train schedules. I felt lost. I felt insignificant. I felt like I was in the Jetsons.
Gawsh! Lesson #2 in regional stereotypes: frumpy St. Louis bumpkins are flabbergasted by tall buildings. And trains? What are those?!
I could see how somehow who grew up in the middle of that kind of madness would see me as a country mouse to his city mouse. So they weren't morons at all; they obviously just had not been to St. Louis or anywhere else south of Interstate 80.
Guarantee you Marc looked on Mapquest to find a good reference-point highway to use in this column. After all, this is the guy who finds train schedules "incomprehensible."
I thought about it and had to admit that I, too, had preconceived notions about people from parts of the country where I've never been. That changed after I spent a few weeks traveling around the country with my band, Bottle of Justus.
AH. Let the understanding begin! A voyage of musical discovery with Marc's Bottle of Crap.
(Incidentally, Marc's name doesn't appear anywhere on the band's Web site. I'm pretty sure it's the right one, as both Marc and this particular Bottle of Justus claim to hail from Illinois State University.)
But let's continue. I have to practice with my band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in about 45 minutes.
The mountain states were beautiful, as expected. What wasn't expected were the other six guys in the van stopping to take pictures of every other canyon. Their photo albums must be riveting.
Anti-regional stereotype lesson #3: Canyons are pretty, but boring?
(Did I read the headline wrong? Maybe instead of a "lesson" in overcoming regional stereotypes, this is more of a rundown of possible... things you can believe about several different areas of the U.S. OK, let's think of it that way. I'll try anything.)
Sometimes I think everyone my age feels obliged to move to Los Angeles. I thought I'd understand it once I got there, but I didn't at all. Everyone you meet immediately asks you what you do and then tells you how they are vaguely associated with a celebrity. I was actually talking to a guy when he stopped dead and said, "Hey, isn't that the drummer from Foreigner?"
"No. Back to me. Over here. So like I said, I'm the lead singer for this band, Bottle of Justus, and we just finished touring with Van Halen. Yeah, my name's not on the Web site yet because I have to clear some things with my agent. Anyway, do you know of any place where rock musicians can party in this town? And, like, stay overnight for free? And eat? Hey, where are you going?"
When I said anything about home, the people I was talking to instantly assumed that I'd come to L.A. to escape the boredom of the Midwest; they assured me it was "so much better out here."
They assumed this because I told them I was overwhelmed by tall buildings and couldn't understand the subway system.
If you've never been to Las Vegas, it's exactly what you think it's like. When I mentioned St. Louis, it instantly made some people happy, as they "won a ton of money on them in the World Series." I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.
Allow me to point out something here:
I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.
What this tells us is that Marc is accustomed to writing cutesy columns that his mom can read; presumably he's written for his college newspaper. Furthermore, when he says she reads "these things," we deduce that this is one in a series of columns that he's published. Marc Kozak: submitting crap he wrote for a college paper to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
This column is not good enough for the Post-Dispatch. Did I really just say that? Not good enough for the Post-Dispatch.
The desert states were as I had envisioned them: hot and barren for the most part. The only signs of life we saw in New Mexico were at scattered gas stations, and at one, strangely enough, we met some very lost people from Alton.
You are really broadening my fucking horizons with this anti-stereotypical column, Marc! Why don't you write a paragraph about Mormons in Utah?
Some of my stereotypes of Texas were confirmed, as our crossing of the border was followed closely by the appearance of Longhorns, Outbacks, Lonestars and Riley's Bar-B-Q & Rockin' Steakhouse. Kids my age tend to make a lot of jokes about the South, but I found that it's really no different from anywhere else, except that when I asked for a Coke, I was asked "What kind?"
This is getting dumber and dumber. Please stop. Who decided to print this? Does Marc's dad know someone on the P-D editorial board? PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, READING THIS SHIT.
If you're writing about regional stereotypes, or whatever the fuck it is that you're writing about, you should actually address some of the more interesting ones. Not "Texas has lots of steakhouses."
20 bucks says when the waitress asked Marc what kind of Coke he wanted, he just stared ahead blankly -- as if reading a subway map -- and muttered incomprehensibly. Give him a break, he just learned what "pop" means.
I still haven't made it to the East Coast; I'm hoping to get there this summer. In the meantime, you don't want to know how I picture New York.
Probably like some magical land with escalating skyscrapers and flying school buses and secret, undecodable bus schedules.
Here's my point: If you ever find yourself out of town in a conversation about St. Louis with someone who hasn't been here, your reaction may be just as revealing as theirs.
Yeah, and you've been such a wonderful fucking ambassador thus far. Please, move to Iowa.
*Iowa crinkles nose*
Wait, though. Here's MY point. You just wrote an entire fucking pointless column about traipsing around the country, peppered it with "humorous" little anecdotes about meaningless, insignificant stereotypes and then tacked on a little "moral to the story" at the end, Ã
Seriously, how did you get this published? Who reads something like this and thinks, "Ah. Journalism."?
No one does. No one. Except... well... oh, yeah. I forgot.
Your mom reads these things.
ENNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
(That's the Grego buzzer.)
A road trip — and a lesson in regional stereotypes
The two go hand in hand. It will be interesting to see which stereotypes you discuss. Racial? Political? Cultural? Such possibilities!
I always thought St. Louis was a real city until I went to school near Chicago. Invariably, after telling anyone where I was from, I got the same reaction: "St. Louis? Whaddaya got, that big arc, right? You gotta farm in the backyard? Geez, Mike, this guy wouldn't last a day on the Southside. Get me a pop, wouldya?"
Oh. This is going to make me mad, isn't it?
After pausing briefly to wonder what pop was, I resolved to label everyone from Chicago an obnoxious moron. Yes, this was very mature of me, but hey, they started it.
Marc Kozak, pausing, thinking, pondering stereotypes: "Wait. What the fuck is pop???" If you're on a lucrative television quiz show, and you have one lifeline left, and it's a moderately tough question and the answer is just teetering, tantalizing you on the very tippiest tip of your tongue... don't use your phone-a-friend to call Marc Kozak. Just go with your gut instinct. Or a wild, flying hunch. Marc will be fucking stumped.
The pop vs. soda debate was funny freshman year. Marc, you'd better be a freshman.
A few months later, someone tricked me into actually visiting the Windy City for the first time, and I was overwhelmed. There I was in the middle of a sprawl of impossibly tall buildings, absurd traffic pile-ups and incomprehensible train schedules. I felt lost. I felt insignificant. I felt like I was in the Jetsons.
Gawsh! Lesson #2 in regional stereotypes: frumpy St. Louis bumpkins are flabbergasted by tall buildings. And trains? What are those?!
I could see how somehow who grew up in the middle of that kind of madness would see me as a country mouse to his city mouse. So they weren't morons at all; they obviously just had not been to St. Louis or anywhere else south of Interstate 80.
Guarantee you Marc looked on Mapquest to find a good reference-point highway to use in this column. After all, this is the guy who finds train schedules "incomprehensible."
I thought about it and had to admit that I, too, had preconceived notions about people from parts of the country where I've never been. That changed after I spent a few weeks traveling around the country with my band, Bottle of Justus.
AH. Let the understanding begin! A voyage of musical discovery with Marc's Bottle of Crap.
(Incidentally, Marc's name doesn't appear anywhere on the band's Web site. I'm pretty sure it's the right one, as both Marc and this particular Bottle of Justus claim to hail from Illinois State University.)
But let's continue. I have to practice with my band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers, in about 45 minutes.
The mountain states were beautiful, as expected. What wasn't expected were the other six guys in the van stopping to take pictures of every other canyon. Their photo albums must be riveting.
Anti-regional stereotype lesson #3: Canyons are pretty, but boring?
(Did I read the headline wrong? Maybe instead of a "lesson" in overcoming regional stereotypes, this is more of a rundown of possible... things you can believe about several different areas of the U.S. OK, let's think of it that way. I'll try anything.)
Sometimes I think everyone my age feels obliged to move to Los Angeles. I thought I'd understand it once I got there, but I didn't at all. Everyone you meet immediately asks you what you do and then tells you how they are vaguely associated with a celebrity. I was actually talking to a guy when he stopped dead and said, "Hey, isn't that the drummer from Foreigner?"
"No. Back to me. Over here. So like I said, I'm the lead singer for this band, Bottle of Justus, and we just finished touring with Van Halen. Yeah, my name's not on the Web site yet because I have to clear some things with my agent. Anyway, do you know of any place where rock musicians can party in this town? And, like, stay overnight for free? And eat? Hey, where are you going?"
When I said anything about home, the people I was talking to instantly assumed that I'd come to L.A. to escape the boredom of the Midwest; they assured me it was "so much better out here."
They assumed this because I told them I was overwhelmed by tall buildings and couldn't understand the subway system.
If you've never been to Las Vegas, it's exactly what you think it's like. When I mentioned St. Louis, it instantly made some people happy, as they "won a ton of money on them in the World Series." I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.
Allow me to point out something here:
I'd love to tell you more about Vegas, but my mom reads these things.
What this tells us is that Marc is accustomed to writing cutesy columns that his mom can read; presumably he's written for his college newspaper. Furthermore, when he says she reads "these things," we deduce that this is one in a series of columns that he's published. Marc Kozak: submitting crap he wrote for a college paper to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
This column is not good enough for the Post-Dispatch. Did I really just say that? Not good enough for the Post-Dispatch.
The desert states were as I had envisioned them: hot and barren for the most part. The only signs of life we saw in New Mexico were at scattered gas stations, and at one, strangely enough, we met some very lost people from Alton.
You are really broadening my fucking horizons with this anti-stereotypical column, Marc! Why don't you write a paragraph about Mormons in Utah?
Some of my stereotypes of Texas were confirmed, as our crossing of the border was followed closely by the appearance of Longhorns, Outbacks, Lonestars and Riley's Bar-B-Q & Rockin' Steakhouse. Kids my age tend to make a lot of jokes about the South, but I found that it's really no different from anywhere else, except that when I asked for a Coke, I was asked "What kind?"
This is getting dumber and dumber. Please stop. Who decided to print this? Does Marc's dad know someone on the P-D editorial board? PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, READING THIS SHIT.
If you're writing about regional stereotypes, or whatever the fuck it is that you're writing about, you should actually address some of the more interesting ones. Not "Texas has lots of steakhouses."
20 bucks says when the waitress asked Marc what kind of Coke he wanted, he just stared ahead blankly -- as if reading a subway map -- and muttered incomprehensibly. Give him a break, he just learned what "pop" means.
I still haven't made it to the East Coast; I'm hoping to get there this summer. In the meantime, you don't want to know how I picture New York.
Probably like some magical land with escalating skyscrapers and flying school buses and secret, undecodable bus schedules.
Here's my point: If you ever find yourself out of town in a conversation about St. Louis with someone who hasn't been here, your reaction may be just as revealing as theirs.
Yeah, and you've been such a wonderful fucking ambassador thus far. Please, move to Iowa.
*Iowa crinkles nose*
Wait, though. Here's MY point. You just wrote an entire fucking pointless column about traipsing around the country, peppered it with "humorous" little anecdotes about meaningless, insignificant stereotypes and then tacked on a little "moral to the story" at the end, Ã
Seriously, how did you get this published? Who reads something like this and thinks, "Ah. Journalism."?
No one does. No one. Except... well... oh, yeah. I forgot.
Your mom reads these things.
Readers Ask Questions, Jeff Gordon Gives Bad Answers
...Well, one bad answer. The Post-Dispatch's Jeff Gordon is usually pretty good. In today's "Q&A" section, he gave a shitty answer.
Peter asks: Do you think the Cards should or will open the vault for once and go sign a high end outfielder this offseason, like a Bobby Abreu, or Carl Crawford?
Jeff Gordon: The media will put lots of pressure on DeWitt Care, as Bernie puts it, to land another cornerstone offensive player. What about Torii Hunter? He'll cost in excess of $100 million, but he would be a great successor to Edmonds. (This assumes that Edmonds will retire if he never gets going this season. If he ends up hitting, the Cards will want him to finish out that second contract year.) Crawford would be a fabulous leadoff hitter with some power, too. The bidding on him would be fierce. I have mixed feelings on Abreu, who isn't playing up to his salary.
Jeff, Torii Hunter is a league average hitter. He's flashy in the outfield, and makes some incredible plays. But still...his career OBP is .324; his career OPS+ is 103. According to baseball-reference, similar batters to Hunter include Preston Wilson, Juan Encarnacion, Jacque Jones, Richard Hidalgo, Jim Ray Hart, and Glenallen Hill. He's also going to be 32 in July. For $100 million, this would be a terrible signing. The Cubs need a center fielder; let them overpay for him. God knows they like to give loads of money to guys with shitty OBPs.
Peter asks: Do you think the Cards should or will open the vault for once and go sign a high end outfielder this offseason, like a Bobby Abreu, or Carl Crawford?
Jeff Gordon: The media will put lots of pressure on DeWitt Care, as Bernie puts it, to land another cornerstone offensive player. What about Torii Hunter? He'll cost in excess of $100 million, but he would be a great successor to Edmonds. (This assumes that Edmonds will retire if he never gets going this season. If he ends up hitting, the Cards will want him to finish out that second contract year.) Crawford would be a fabulous leadoff hitter with some power, too. The bidding on him would be fierce. I have mixed feelings on Abreu, who isn't playing up to his salary.
Jeff, Torii Hunter is a league average hitter. He's flashy in the outfield, and makes some incredible plays. But still...his career OBP is .324; his career OPS+ is 103. According to baseball-reference, similar batters to Hunter include Preston Wilson, Juan Encarnacion, Jacque Jones, Richard Hidalgo, Jim Ray Hart, and Glenallen Hill. He's also going to be 32 in July. For $100 million, this would be a terrible signing. The Cubs need a center fielder; let them overpay for him. God knows they like to give loads of money to guys with shitty OBPs.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Quite Frankly, Stephen A. Smith Is Clueless
Stephen A. Smith is a small, loud, often wrong, and black. His sole purpose as a columnist for the Philadelphia Inquirer is to remind us of his blackness as often as possible. Today's Stephen A column covers the plight of the disenfranchised black athlete; as you read the blurbs I've decided to make fun of, read aloud in your best Stephen A. Smith voice.
By the way, I always wonder why Stephen uses his middle initial. My best guess is that he wants to distinguish himself from the 2843984382 Steve Smiths in the NFL, or the former Hawks (and a few other teams) guard. However, the "A" is kind of pretentious. I would sympathize if he had the same name as a famous NBA player, but damnit, Stephen A...making fun of a guy who calls himself "Magic A. Johnson" or "Kareem A. Abdul-Jabbar" would be awesome. Anyway, here we go with the bad article.
The site was the historic Morehouse College last week. The panel discussion was hosted by famed film director Spike Lee. The subject: the black athlete and the reporters who cover him. And as a bunch of notable figures in sports sat on this panel - Alonzo Mourning, C. Vivian Stringer, Jim Brown and myself included - bantering about issues stigmatizing African American athletes and the communities they come from, the one inescapable thought turned out to be the most appropriate - and the most uncomfortable.
I love how Stephen sets the scene: "THE SITE...THE PANEL DISCUSSION...THE SUBJECT...ALONZO MOURNING...JIM BROWN....ME." So, what is this inescapable, appropriate, and...uncomfortable thought?
We still have not recovered from the O.J. Simpson trial.
Actually, I think Nicole Simpson had it coming. Wait, is O.J. black?
Oh, did I forget to mention that kids are paying attention?
Actually, you did not mention that. I agree though; some kids watch ESPN, and see stories about these events.
The fact is, so is white America.
Stephen is insinuating that "kids" and "white America" are mutually exclusive. Or, maybe he's not. Maybe he's not paying attention while he's writing!
You don't have to be accused of murder to kill a generation of people. You can kill someone's soul or spirit, their hopes and dreams, even their sensibilities. You can do this with misogynistic lyrics, with juvenile behavior. But mainly, with the slightest perception that these athletes are operating with impunity, enabled by the very individuals assigned to enforce justice and decency while making sure our games are played.
Mike Vick: Dogfighter, killer of a generation.
As for the last sentence, um...Pacman Jones is missing an entire year of football for being Pacman Jones. Ricky Williams could miss half a season for smoking pot. It's not like these guys are going unpunished by the league.
Stephen goes on to discuss the views of individual panel members:
Mourning, as charitable and sensible as an athlete comes these days, kept talking of how the "media's negativity" contributes heavily. Etan Thomas of the Washington Wizards piggybacked on that, saying if the press focused more on exemplary works like that of Mourning's foundation and others, image wouldn't be a problem in the NFL or the NBA.
"Thomas, who was missing a few dreadlocks after his 89th fight with fellow black athlete and bad NBA center Brendan Haywood, agreed with Alonzo, who is a far better player, despite being older, and missing a fucking kidney."
Why the hell does he say that Thomas "piggybacked on that," rather than "he agreed." It sounds like Big Etan had no opinion until Alonzo brilliantly said "it's the god damned media!"
But there would be no problems if players were not getting arrested for domestic violence.
Smoke all the crack you want, just don't go beating on your wife!
And while it could easily be pointed out how little emphasis was placed on the death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock, who died in a car accident after having an alcohol level nearly double the legal limit, and how this came in the aftermath of his manager, Tony LaRussa, getting arrested after being found asleep behind the wheel with too much alcohol in his system, that still doesn't solve the problems existing in the black community.
What? They were all over the news! Sports columnists nationwide wrote about the "link" between La Russa and Hancock, or at least the booze-in-the clubhouse issue. Pacman Jones, Vick, and Williams get lots of attention because they keep doing stupid shit. If La Russa got another DUI, it would get MORE attention than what's been given to those guys. Same thing if Josh Hancock hits a tow truck and dies...again.
Because of the last sentence in that paragraph, I'll be scouring through Stephen's archives to see if he ever hits triple digits in words-per-sentence. This one was 78 words. Anyway, point taken; pointing out that the drunken Cardinals duo received less media attention than the black football playing troublemakers would NOT solve the problems in the black community. And I hoped so much that it would. Damn it!
I left the panel discussion hoping the few athletes there would use their long tentacles to make sure their contemporaries got that message. They had better get it quick because time is running out.
Yes, yes. Alonzo and Etan must extend their slimy, suction cup-ridden tentacles to their contemporaries to convey the importance of the message. Stephen A. Smith, your message is clear to us: Black people (especially NBA players) often have really long arms.
By the way, I always wonder why Stephen uses his middle initial. My best guess is that he wants to distinguish himself from the 2843984382 Steve Smiths in the NFL, or the former Hawks (and a few other teams) guard. However, the "A" is kind of pretentious. I would sympathize if he had the same name as a famous NBA player, but damnit, Stephen A...making fun of a guy who calls himself "Magic A. Johnson" or "Kareem A. Abdul-Jabbar" would be awesome. Anyway, here we go with the bad article.
The site was the historic Morehouse College last week. The panel discussion was hosted by famed film director Spike Lee. The subject: the black athlete and the reporters who cover him. And as a bunch of notable figures in sports sat on this panel - Alonzo Mourning, C. Vivian Stringer, Jim Brown and myself included - bantering about issues stigmatizing African American athletes and the communities they come from, the one inescapable thought turned out to be the most appropriate - and the most uncomfortable.
I love how Stephen sets the scene: "THE SITE...THE PANEL DISCUSSION...THE SUBJECT...ALONZO MOURNING...JIM BROWN....ME." So, what is this inescapable, appropriate, and...uncomfortable thought?
We still have not recovered from the O.J. Simpson trial.
Actually, I think Nicole Simpson had it coming. Wait, is O.J. black?
It's still too easy to blame the media for images created by the actions of the modern-day athlete. It's convenient to point out the lack of positive information draping the front pages of news outlets throughout this country. Meanwhile, we learn that Pacman Jones visited a strip club the night before he was suspended by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell for the 2007 season in part because of such habits.
Reports are swirling that dogfighting was taking place at the Virginia residence of Michael Vick. We're being inundated with headline news about how Ricky Williams will not be reinstated due to yet another positive test for marijuana.
Stephen, you are right. Those are indiscretions committed by black athletes. I love the first sentence of this bit, though: "IT'S TOO EASY TO BLAME THE MEDIA FOR THESE IMAGES. LET'S GO OVER A FEW RIGHT NOW." Oh, and Space Invaders Jones was not suspended for going to strip clubs. Among other things, it was for like, punching women in the face in strip clubs.Oh, did I forget to mention that kids are paying attention?
Actually, you did not mention that. I agree though; some kids watch ESPN, and see stories about these events.
The fact is, so is white America.
Stephen is insinuating that "kids" and "white America" are mutually exclusive. Or, maybe he's not. Maybe he's not paying attention while he's writing!
You don't have to be accused of murder to kill a generation of people. You can kill someone's soul or spirit, their hopes and dreams, even their sensibilities. You can do this with misogynistic lyrics, with juvenile behavior. But mainly, with the slightest perception that these athletes are operating with impunity, enabled by the very individuals assigned to enforce justice and decency while making sure our games are played.
Mike Vick: Dogfighter, killer of a generation.
As for the last sentence, um...Pacman Jones is missing an entire year of football for being Pacman Jones. Ricky Williams could miss half a season for smoking pot. It's not like these guys are going unpunished by the league.
Stephen goes on to discuss the views of individual panel members:
Mourning, as charitable and sensible as an athlete comes these days, kept talking of how the "media's negativity" contributes heavily. Etan Thomas of the Washington Wizards piggybacked on that, saying if the press focused more on exemplary works like that of Mourning's foundation and others, image wouldn't be a problem in the NFL or the NBA.
"Thomas, who was missing a few dreadlocks after his 89th fight with fellow black athlete and bad NBA center Brendan Haywood, agreed with Alonzo, who is a far better player, despite being older, and missing a fucking kidney."
Why the hell does he say that Thomas "piggybacked on that," rather than "he agreed." It sounds like Big Etan had no opinion until Alonzo brilliantly said "it's the god damned media!"
But there would be no problems if players were not getting arrested for domestic violence.
Smoke all the crack you want, just don't go beating on your wife!
And while it could easily be pointed out how little emphasis was placed on the death of St. Louis Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock, who died in a car accident after having an alcohol level nearly double the legal limit, and how this came in the aftermath of his manager, Tony LaRussa, getting arrested after being found asleep behind the wheel with too much alcohol in his system, that still doesn't solve the problems existing in the black community.
What? They were all over the news! Sports columnists nationwide wrote about the "link" between La Russa and Hancock, or at least the booze-in-the clubhouse issue. Pacman Jones, Vick, and Williams get lots of attention because they keep doing stupid shit. If La Russa got another DUI, it would get MORE attention than what's been given to those guys. Same thing if Josh Hancock hits a tow truck and dies...again.
Because of the last sentence in that paragraph, I'll be scouring through Stephen's archives to see if he ever hits triple digits in words-per-sentence. This one was 78 words. Anyway, point taken; pointing out that the drunken Cardinals duo received less media attention than the black football playing troublemakers would NOT solve the problems in the black community. And I hoped so much that it would. Damn it!
I left the panel discussion hoping the few athletes there would use their long tentacles to make sure their contemporaries got that message. They had better get it quick because time is running out.
Yes, yes. Alonzo and Etan must extend their slimy, suction cup-ridden tentacles to their contemporaries to convey the importance of the message. Stephen A. Smith, your message is clear to us: Black people (especially NBA players) often have really long arms.
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Computers: Avoid Bill McClellan
I never know what to think of Bill McClellan. On one hand, he's likable because he's slobby and down-to-earth and makes rational comments on Donnybrook. On the other, sometimes he writes like Grego on muscle relaxers.
Sometimes you get the feeling that he says outlandishly dumb things just to get people writing letters. We prefer to post ours here. A bit ironic, considering his topic this time. Anyway, vayamos!
Good morning, graduates.
Entire 2007 graduating class, dressed in traditional caps and gowns, sitting indian-style in Bill's office on a bunch of periwinkle blue padded carpet squares:
"GOOD MOORRNING, MR. MCCLELLANNN."
Let's skip all the platitudes about how hard you've worked to get here, and how your education is just beginning and so forth. Instead, I want to warn you about somebody who pretends he's your friend, who claims that he's going to make life easier for you. I would say, "Don't listen to him," but most of you — maybe all of you — already have. You've bought into his lies. At this point, you'll find it very difficult to turn your back on him, but that is my message this morning.
Lemme guess. Your message is... stop reading inane, lazily written newspaper columns.
Turn your back on Hal.
Oh. That.
My generation first met him in "2001: A Space Odyssey." I still get chills when I think of the astronaut saying, "Open the pod doors, Hal." That was in 1968. In those days, an apple was still a fruit. So was a blackberry. There were no laptops, no search engines, nothing like that. There was no MapQuest.
In those days, the only "pod" we knew about was a peapod. It had peas in it. We enjoyed us some Charlie Parker and took in the occasional movin' picture. We didn't need no World Wide Net, no fancy downloadin' e-mails... we surely didn't need none of them cellular telephones that are always hookin' up to the Blue Teeth. Nope. THEM were the days.
It's weak to start a sentence with "There were," "There was," etc. I learned this shit sitting in the back row of some prereq writing class. But I digress.
You're probably thinking that I'm just an old Luddite.
NO, DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!
I can hear you talking to yourselves. "Computers make things easier." And yes, they do. But what things? Bad things. They allow you to act out on your basest desires.
After this, I'm going to unleash my wild Internet animal side by googling "Bill McClellan +nursing home +security deposit." BASE DESIRES.
You already know what the hottest sites are on the Internet. Thanks to computers, pornography is a growth industry. And lest you think that, well, that's all about consenting adults and voyeurs, start reading the crime report in the newspaper. Every week, it seems, somebody is getting sentenced for possession of child pornography. I dare say that most of these people would never have ventured into this muck if computers had not made it so easy.
The porn industry was profitable long before computers came around and frightened Bill McClellan. "Every week, it seems, somebody" is caught with kiddie porn? You "dare say"? Bill, this is the part where you do a few minutes' worth of research and find actual "numbers" to support your "claims."
Oh, yeah. You might have to use a computer for that. Anyway...
Fantasy sports! You graduates are too young to remember this, but there was a time when people who wanted to participate in leagues formed bowling teams. It's not that those employees were better workers than today's employees, but you couldn't bowl in your cubicle. You pretty much had to work.
And if you didn't have a computer, it probably took you a long-ass time to get stuff done.
Fantasy sports are a distraction. I'll give you that. But people who play them can afford to do so because they... you know... have a computer. If they were setting their lineups on, like, your 1897 Bradford Movable Typesetting Mechanism, then I can see how they might have time management issues.
And don't get me started on e-mail, perhaps the most insidious "gift" that Hal has given us.
More insidious than the child porn? Geez, it's worse than I thought.
I remember when Charles Jaco lost his job at KMOX because of an intemperate response to a listener's e-mail. Oh, how tempting it is to respond in kind to an insulting e-mail!
Oh, how blissful it is to avoid computers and never receive e-mails in the first place!
Another friend lost his job because of a blog. He was critical of his employer — this newspaper! — in his blog. Bloggers beware!
Smart bloggers blog anonymously. Columnists beware!
I tell you, graduates, you are better off without computers. Use one at work if you have to, but use it as little as possible, and whatever you do, don't have one at home.
Horrible fucking advice.
The nicest graduation present you can get is a typewriter. Hal is not your friend.
The nicest graduation present you can get is a check that pays off all your student loans. The 8,697th best present you can get is a typewriter, but only if it was used by Leslie McFarlane to write the entire Hardy Boys series.
If you received a graduation present from Bill McClellan, send it to our P.O. Box and we will dispose of it for you in a most unceremonious manner.
Think Office Space.
Gregory Orear Likes Drastic Measures
Gregory Orear is the managing editor for the Kirksville Daily Express.
Earlier this spring,
He was probably asleep, not “passed out.” Whatever. The end of this sentence is a bit of a quagmire, no? OK, so at least Grego spelled “La Russa” correctly. This is the best sentence of this column. It only gets worse from here, so put on your safety belts!
With a blood alcohol content of .09, La Russa was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated.
He was charged with a DUI. That is the name of his offense in that jurisdiction. A professional journalist should be on top of this. GREGORY OREAR: Not on top of this.
A few hours later, before issuing an apology or even admitting his guilt, he walked onto the field for a spring training game and was greeted by the ambivalent Cardinal fans with a standing ovation.
Gregory Orear would have booed and hissed. Ironically, someone would then throw a beer at him. Ouch!
I'm not a parent, but I have no earthly idea what I would tell my young son or daughter if we had attended that game.
Son or daughter? Wouldn't it be easier to say "my child?" That sounds better. Greg, did you attend college?
"Daddy, why are they cheering and standing for the manager?"
Grego’s train of thought when typing this bit: “I want some fucking kids!”
"Well, he got arrested for drunk driving last night."
Grego knows that the “ambivalent Cardinal fans” weren’t cheering him for his arrest; rather, they cheered to show their support for a successful manager who had a spotless record until the night before. You know, like what normal people do. Should they have booed, hissed, and thrown octopi onto the field?
"But daddy, isn't that dangerous, against the law and wrong?"
Grego anticipates having retarded children. Like father, like son...or daughter.
"Um, normally."
Daddy's funny and sarcastic!
Now, a few days after a St. Louis Cardinal pitcher died when he drove his SUV into the back of a tow truck, it appears that same mixed message permeated far beyond the minds of nonexistent children.
Good columnists speak in an active voice. Gregory Orear speaks in what I call a “passive-passive-oh-my-god-he’s-licking-that-man’s-feet-because-they-look-dirty” voice.
According to autopsy results, at the time of the accident, Josh Hancock had a blood alcohol content of .15, nearly twice the legal limit. He also had a small amount of marijuana in the car, but further toxicology tests will have to determine if he was under the influence of that drug as well.
Just a minute ago, Grego said Josh Hancock was driving an SUV. In this paragraph, he was driving a car. Gregory Orear has more loose ends to tie than...well, the 2007 St. Louis Cardinals.
Regardless, Hancock had apparently exhibited this type of behavior in the past.
Dying in an automobile accident is a type of behavior? What the fuck? At this point in the article, Greg has not mentioned a single behavior of Josh Hancock.
Three days before this accident, Hancock was involved in another wreck in the wee hours of the morning outside an
Allegedly? No. He DID show up late to the clubhouse. Now, Grego, your passive voice is covering up facts. Also, it's more professional to say "early," rather than "wee."
As horrible and saddening this tragedy may be, it should not surprise us. In a society in which DWI laws are routinely pleaded away to lesser offenses and managers are applauded for violating those laws, why should we expect anything different?
(Guy in a crowd): “We live in a society where people have heart attacks and die all the damned time, often without any warning signs! If you ain’t surprised that DK died in ’02 from a heart attack, say yeyyyeeahh!”
Gregory Orear: “Presumably, I am not surprised!”
Uh, Greg..this IS a horrible and saddening tragedy. You said that it "may" be. Stop being a sissy!
By not disciplining La Russa for his behavior, the Cardinal organization on some levels condoned it and certainly did not send a message to the players and coaches that these transgressions will not be accepted.
Instead, it sent a message, on some levels, that these transgressions need to happen more often, since it was not embarrassing for La Russa, Walt Jocketty, and the rest of the organization. Grego, grow some balls, seriously. You sound like a candy ass.
But this is the same organization, formerly owned by a brewery, that until Friday afternoon, regularly included free alcohol with its post-game meals for players. Maybe they thought that after drinking their fill of free beer, these players call cabs or rub a genie bottle for a magic carpet ride because it is apparent they preferred to turn a blind eye to this problem until it was too late.
Most baseball organizations provide free alcohol after games. Grego, quit singling the Cardinals out for this. Are you a Cubs fan? I have a copy of the Post-Dispatch (a real fucking newspaper) with an article noting that fewer than a dozen beers are consumed during these post-game meals. Do the math. It’s not exactly a wild, fuck-Spiezio’s-hot-wife fiesta, is it?
Josh Hancock turned a blind eye to his personal problem of driving drunk before it was too late. That had nothing to do with the actions of any Cardinals player, or their manager.
While nothing can be done to undo this tragedy, something can be done to prevent it from happening in the future. They need to send a crystal clear message to players, and that would be done by one simple act: fire Tony La Russa.
Yes, “the future,” as opposed to “the past,” or “during the Civil War.” Firing a Major League manager because one of his players got drunk and drove into a tow truck is simple? Grego, you should do it yourself!
Forget about setting a good example and realize that, as manager of a major league baseball team, it is La Russa's job to develop and protect the million-dollar assets the team owner's entrust to him.
Basically, Greg is saying that La Russa should be the team's professional chauffeur. Either that, or he thinks La Russa should be on hand when his players are constipated: "Come on So, you can do it! Just squeeze my hands and push!"
La Russa did nothing while Hancock apparently exhibited destructive and eventually suicidal behavior. If Hancock developed an addiction to narcotics, which in turn affected his on-field performance, and La Russa about it and did nothing, he should be held responsible.
Um, he didn’t smash his SUV into that tow truck on purpose, asshole. Also, Hancock was fined for being late to the game three days before. Standard procedure.
AN ADDICTION TO NARCOTICS? ATTENTION: JOSH HANCOCK WAS A HEROIN ADDICT. READ
La Russa failed in his role as a manager. The problem isn't winning and losing, but managing the team and clubhouse.
Right. He should tuck every Cardinal into bed at night, not just David Eckstein. Grego, your article would have merit if if La Russa were managing the Kirksville Little League's Four Horizons Realty team. Oh, and if you knew how to put sentences together coherently.
He failed to deal with this situation until it was too late. And why? Because when the same thing happened to him, he got a standing ovation and a voice of support from management.
If the same thing happened to Tony La Russa, he would be dead. Do you see what I mean about putting sentences together? Jeez!
For him to have done anything different would make him a hypocrite.
So you’re saying he’s not a hypocrite? Wait..what the fuck?
And that's why he has to go.
“He has to go, because, for him to have done anything different than what he did would make him a hypocrite.”
Thursday, May 10, 2007
About us... and Grego
Let's do that thing where we pretend someone is actually asking questions about our site. Cool? Cool. So...
What's with the URL? Who's Grego?
Grego is Gregory Orear, managing editor of the Kirksville (Mo.) Daily Express. As current/former members of the cocklewarming 'ville community, we've been exposed to Grego's paper for quite some time. We just can't take it anymore.
If you're going to get to know us, you're going to have to get to know Grego first.
He's a bad editor. His own columns are full of errors. He writes weird sentences full of cockamamie ideas. He doesn't seem to do much research. These are not the kinds of things you should expect from grown "newspaper men." His semi-regular column is called What's Going On. It's the type of article that actually makes you wonder what the fuck is going on.
He's why we're here.
It's too easy to make fun of his last name, Orear, but we couldn't resist emphasizing it in the URL. Why? Well, first of all, he's an inspiration, in the sense that a bulbous growth on your ass can "inspire" you to go get it lanced. More importantly, though... we like to think that Mr. What's Going On has two personalities: (1) Greg Orear, a moderately well-educated print journalist with an unassuming, level head, and (2) Grego Rear, the fucking idiot who shows up to work every morning and runs the local newspaper.
Hence... grego-rear.blogspot.com.
Anyway. G's probably a hell of a nice guy. We have zero nasty things to say about him as a person. ...OK, we have a few, but only because his work offends us so. Neither of us have met the dude, nor do we plan on meeting him. If we did, we'd be glad to throw down a few beers with him. Anonymously, of course. We don't want him calling us the next day.
But this isn't about one person. Grego is a mere dingleberry on the broad, expansive taint of shitty journalism. Silly columnists and reporters are as common as they are overweight. For every Chris Hitchens, there're a hundred Gregos. Thank Gutenberg for that.
Still. We don't mean to mock the wide flow of information in this country. The more newspapers, the better. Really. Our world is a better place because of journalists, even the not-so-great ones.
We don't even mean to suggest that we could do a better job, at least not every day. Plenty of appreciation for a tough job, here. Plenty. Doesn't mean we can't make fun of the folks who suck at it. Essentially, we don't think so many "journalists" should get away with so much typewritten bullshit. That's what college is for.
So, to answer your question, Grego is a bad newspaper editor who inspired us to start a blog criticizing bad journalism.
Thanks, that answer was too long. Who are you?
Collegish guys. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed all-American boys. Not in a gay sort of way, though. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not like...
OK, didn't care that much anyway. Isn't this a ripoff of firejoemorgan.com?
Absolutely. We've loved that site ever since its inception in 1881, and this little ol' thing is clearly modeled after it. And by 'modeled,' we mean 'blatantly copied.' Layout, style, general concept... check, check, check. We hope the FJM guys take it as a compliment, although we're sure they're tired of the flattery by now. Our site is an homage, a tribute, a celebration.
At least we didn't call it "Fire Greg Orear."
(We thought about it.)
The difference between us and FJM is that FJM focuses almost exclusively on baseball-related articles. It works for them, and that's an understatement. They have that niche fucking cornered. Cornered. Bravo.
We, on the other hand, we are going to look at a variety of things. You never know what Grego's going to write, so really... we don't have much choice. Sport will certainly find its way onto the site -- when we have something to say about it. We're not going to limit ourselves, though; at least not yet. We're going to take note of the everyday news articles and opinion columns that defy common sense and share them with anyone who slips, falls on the computer and accidentally reads our blog. We hope to be funny, but we also hope to be stimulating.
If nothing else, we hope to become famous as all fucking hell.
So I guess we should probably get started.
What's with the URL? Who's Grego?
Grego is Gregory Orear, managing editor of the Kirksville (Mo.) Daily Express. As current/former members of the cocklewarming 'ville community, we've been exposed to Grego's paper for quite some time. We just can't take it anymore.
If you're going to get to know us, you're going to have to get to know Grego first.
He's a bad editor. His own columns are full of errors. He writes weird sentences full of cockamamie ideas. He doesn't seem to do much research. These are not the kinds of things you should expect from grown "newspaper men." His semi-regular column is called What's Going On. It's the type of article that actually makes you wonder what the fuck is going on.
He's why we're here.
It's too easy to make fun of his last name, Orear, but we couldn't resist emphasizing it in the URL. Why? Well, first of all, he's an inspiration, in the sense that a bulbous growth on your ass can "inspire" you to go get it lanced. More importantly, though... we like to think that Mr. What's Going On has two personalities: (1) Greg Orear, a moderately well-educated print journalist with an unassuming, level head, and (2) Grego Rear, the fucking idiot who shows up to work every morning and runs the local newspaper.
Hence... grego-rear.blogspot.com.
Anyway. G's probably a hell of a nice guy. We have zero nasty things to say about him as a person. ...OK, we have a few, but only because his work offends us so. Neither of us have met the dude, nor do we plan on meeting him. If we did, we'd be glad to throw down a few beers with him. Anonymously, of course. We don't want him calling us the next day.
But this isn't about one person. Grego is a mere dingleberry on the broad, expansive taint of shitty journalism. Silly columnists and reporters are as common as they are overweight. For every Chris Hitchens, there're a hundred Gregos. Thank Gutenberg for that.
Still. We don't mean to mock the wide flow of information in this country. The more newspapers, the better. Really. Our world is a better place because of journalists, even the not-so-great ones.
We don't even mean to suggest that we could do a better job, at least not every day. Plenty of appreciation for a tough job, here. Plenty. Doesn't mean we can't make fun of the folks who suck at it. Essentially, we don't think so many "journalists" should get away with so much typewritten bullshit. That's what college is for.
So, to answer your question, Grego is a bad newspaper editor who inspired us to start a blog criticizing bad journalism.
Thanks, that answer was too long. Who are you?
Collegish guys. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed all-American boys. Not in a gay sort of way, though. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not like...
OK, didn't care that much anyway. Isn't this a ripoff of firejoemorgan.com?
Absolutely. We've loved that site ever since its inception in 1881, and this little ol' thing is clearly modeled after it. And by 'modeled,' we mean 'blatantly copied.' Layout, style, general concept... check, check, check. We hope the FJM guys take it as a compliment, although we're sure they're tired of the flattery by now. Our site is an homage, a tribute, a celebration.
At least we didn't call it "Fire Greg Orear."
(We thought about it.)
The difference between us and FJM is that FJM focuses almost exclusively on baseball-related articles. It works for them, and that's an understatement. They have that niche fucking cornered. Cornered. Bravo.
We, on the other hand, we are going to look at a variety of things. You never know what Grego's going to write, so really... we don't have much choice. Sport will certainly find its way onto the site -- when we have something to say about it. We're not going to limit ourselves, though; at least not yet. We're going to take note of the everyday news articles and opinion columns that defy common sense and share them with anyone who slips, falls on the computer and accidentally reads our blog. We hope to be funny, but we also hope to be stimulating.
If nothing else, we hope to become famous as all fucking hell.
So I guess we should probably get started.
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