Geraldo Rivera - Blogger?

Making fun of Geraldo is like taking candy from a baby...nay, a dead baby. However, the guy loves putting himself out there, even though he has to know that everyone thinks he's a retard.

Geraldo.com is actually a blog, titled "Geraldo: Horizons." I think it should be called "Blograldo," but that's just me. Check out the sailboat logo...I envision the mustached one riding atop a mast during a hurricane, taunting God, Lieutenant Dan-style: "COME AND GET ME, YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!! IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT!?!?!?!" Anyway, Geraldo's latest post covers an array of topics. Let's take a look.

Sorry I've been so long away.

Oh, Geraldo. It's OK, buddy. We know you've been busy.

Life gets so busy with so many public and private events competing for center stage in the heart and mind that it is easy to avoid doing the optional in favor of doing just the mandatory.

There's a stage in Geraldo's heart and mind, and it has a center, where all those public and private events want to be. Backstage, groupies and fellow war correspondents drink cocktails, smoke cigars, and play card games around small tables. At the center of each table: A small, hand-carved, wooden sailboat.

Let's start with the death of the incomparable Kurt Vonnegut.

Let's! Actually, Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author. Incomparable indeed.

Along with Rand, Forester, Tolstoy, and Tolkien, Vonnegut's writings helped shape my world.

OK, incomparable, except for the fact that, along with these authors, he shaped Geraldo's world. I'm going to ballpark it and say that Tolkien shaped Geraldo's world the most. He lives in a fantasy, with homo-erotic little people, "debates" with Bill O'Reilly, Afghan machine gun fire whizzing past his temples, and a mustache so venerable that it will have its own funeral when he dies.

Kurt was the first famous person I really knew. As a young reporter for 'Eyewitness News' in New York in 1971, I met and married his beautiful daughter Edith Vonnegut, a brilliant artist in her own right.

"He was the first famous person I really knew, not counting myself."

Edith Vonnegut divorced Geraldo in 1975.

Hanging around Kurt at the family's home in Barnstable Massachusetts was a treat for someone as socially and esthetically ignorant as I was.

You don't say? Geraldo, have you ever watched a tape of one of your interviews?

OK, so he's covered Vonnegut's death. What's next?

Bill O'Reilly and I had a real slugfest a couple of weeks ago.

From a beloved author to a universally despised pundit!

Without rehashing the argument over whether the chaos, pain and loss inflicted by an illegal alien's drunk driving is any worse than a legal resident's drunk driving, I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited, and proof that Fox News is not the ideologically limited or slanted organization some of our critics narrow-mindedly allege.

"I just want to say that the explosion of passionately held beliefs was unplanned, unscripted, unedited...."

Wait a second, what were you and Wild Bill doing, again?

Oh, OK. You and Bill argued about illegal aliens. Yada yada. Yeah, that proves it: Fox News really is fair and balanced.

All righty, that was quick. Nothing more about Bill O'Reilly. What's next?

Now to Virginia Tech...

Gah!

...where the malignant loner Cho Seung-Hui emerges as a prototypical mass murderer, unnaturally quiet, socially awkward, picked-on, and harboring a festering fury that he unleashed on the innocent.

In describing the Virginia Tech killer, Geraldo Rivera gave himself an adjective-induced orgasm.

This wasn't the ultimate 'Revenge of the Nerds'. The reason that series of films and similar stories became so popular is that the underdog gets his day by turning the tables on the bully.

Thank you, G, for pointing this out. People who asserted that the VT massacre was "Revenge of the Nerds"-esque were WRONG! You go, man!

For the next 2 or 3 paragraphs, Geraldo talks about Virginia gun laws, how Cho shouldn't have been able to get his hands on a gun, and so on. Pretty serious stuff. Then he switches topics. What's next, G?

And I'm still reeling from the outrageous telephone message that Alec Baldwin meant only for his 11-year old daughter, Ireland, to hear...but today, the angry, threatening words are being heard around the world after the voicemail was leaked to the press.

"The Commonwealth of Virginia needs to get with it! The massacre would have been prevented, if not for the irrational adherence to the second amendment! And I'm SHOCKED that the dastardly Alec Baldwin uttered such despicable, hatred-laden words to his angelic 11-year old daughter!"

More than two-minutes in length, the dreadful diatribe is laced with insults and even, what seems the threat of violence.

Out of curiosity, I listened to the message. It was fucking hilarious!

As the father of a girl the same age as Ireland, I am stunned by Baldwin's words and believe they verge on child abuse.

According to Wikipedia, Geraldo is going to be 64 in July, meaning, he knocked someone up at the tender age of 52. Wowie wow wow!

Admittedly, the message comes in the midst of the prolonged, public, ugly, custody fight over the 11-year old between Baldwin and ex-wife, Kim Bassinger.

Why is the word "admittedly" necessary in this sentence?

Her spokeswoman says the message speaks for itself.

She's right.

I think it speaks to the fact that Alec Baldwin is really funny! Have you seen 30 Rock, G?

And so it goes.

Geraldo, I've read Slaughterhouse-Five. In it, Vonnegut uses the simple phrase "so it goes" to transition from subject to subject. It is an effective, innovative technique. You're paying homage to him (who you say you were close to) by using the phrase in a blog entry that went from "Virginia Tech : Holy shit!" to "Alec Baldwin : Phone message!" without a legitimate transitional phrase. Unless, of course, "and" fits the bill. So it goes!