Anne T. Garcia is not down with steaming man-on-man action

The Monroe County Clarion is one of many "suburban journals" distributed by the St. Louis Post-Dispatch. On Tuesday, Anne T. Garcia, who apparently believes in God, wrote a column about the House's "hate crime legislation" bill. Thank you, Anne, for making things easy for me. It's like making fun of scenes in early 90s films where characters talk on giant cell phones. Only, those people probably use really cool razor phones today that can survive falls off of balconies and other high places. They, like most people, adapt. So, we laugh at them knowing that they are not as stupid as they looked in 1992. Anne T. Garcia does not adapt.

"Hate Crimes in Sodom and America"

Wow, where is this headed? I can read this for free?

Earlier this month, on the National Day of Prayer, the House of Representatives passed HR1592, the so-called "hate crimes legislation."

Wait, you're telling me that they weren't praying on the National Day of Prayer? They were passing laws instead? Heathens. Thank goodness for 2-year terms.

The thinking was Christians were preoccupied with the Day of Prayer and wouldn't notice.

That's a bold statement. Got anything to back that up, or did you just reach into your bamboo chute for that one? Anne, a word of advice: The House of Representatives is made up of 435 people. Most of them are Christians.

We noticed. U.S. Rep. Jerry Costello should be ashamed of himself. This bill does not reflect the views of his constituents.

"We"? As in, every single god-damned Christian? Someone tell Brian Lamb, the founder of C-Span. His advertisers are probably bathing in God's saliva.

Brian Lamb: "Ugh, the live coverage of the House floor sure does get dull, doesn't it, assistant?"
Assistant: "Mr. Lamb, 2.1 BILLION people are watching right now. God himself wants to advertise on our network."
Brian Lamb: "Assistant, when was the last time we gave you a 2000% raise?"

Anne, how do you know that HR1592 doesn't reflect the views of Jerry Costello's constituents? Show us some data!

Those now slated to receive special protection include homosexuals, cross-dressers, transvestites and transsexuals. This legislation would put the aforementioned group under the umbrella of protection of the Civil Rights bill of 1964. That bill was drafted, you recall, to address the inequalities suffered by our Black citizens, who had endured centuries of abuse.

Cross-dressers and transvestites are the same thing. "Aforementioned group"? Try "groups." So, you're saying that black people suffered centuries of abuse before 1964, when one of the Civil Rights bills was passed. This is true. We'll remember this piece of information as we continue to go through this article.

Kudos to the conservatives on the Judiciary Committee, who tried to include unborn children, the elderly, the military, police officers and pregnant women in the "protected group." But the Libs said no, proving their true motive. It's not about protecting minorities, it's about moving our country away from God.

Those groups are not minorities in the sense that gay people are minorities. There aren't many rednecks walking around saying "maaaannnn, I'm gonna go out and fuck up some old people tonight!" In many jurisdictions, harming pregnant women will get you in twice the amount of trouble, especially if you interfere with the woman's right to give birth. If you punch a police officer, you'll get in more trouble than if you punch, let's say, a janitor.

But Anne, you're right. If you visit the "National Foundation of Queer-Loving Liberals" website, and click on "Our Mission," you will see that, indeed, they want to move this country away from God. Seriously, the Dude like, never showers.

News anchors, talk show hosts and just plain folks wonder what's going on. What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now? Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.

"Yup, ol' Randy's not a news anchor, or a talk show host."
"That must mean that he's just a plain folk!"
"You, my friend, are correct."

Anne, when you say that people "wonder what's going on," you should quote someone who actually wonders what's going on.

What are the ultra liberal, antiwar, Bush haters up to now?

Duh, we're all having butt sex. I thought you knew that?

Clearly, this is another far left attack on our values--namely the Judeo-Christian ethic that has served this nation so well for more than 230 years.

Anne, I encourage you to read an American history book. Not like, a high school history book titled "American History: An Eagle's Journey," but something written for adults. There, you will find many cases where ethics were thrown out the window. For example, the enslavement of blacks, racial segregation, and gender inequality (which persists to this day). In fact, a lot of historians are looking at the mistreatment of gay people in the United States. You know, something you adhere to.

When Thomas Jefferson penned the Declaration of Independence, he determined that "all men are created equal."

Thomas Jefferson's train of thought while writing the Declaration, according to Anne T. Garcia: "OK, so I have to write this thing. Poppycock! You know what, James? I have determined that all men are created equal!" Note: Thomas Jefferson was a deist.

Not any more. Under the Democratic hate crimes bill, those with a proclivity toward sexual deviancy are going to be a little more equal than the rest of us.

One should remember that, according to Garcia, having sex with your shirt off is a form of "sexual deviancy."

...a little more equal than the rest of us.

Let's put it this way; if someone assaults a minister and spray paints "Jesus is Satan" on his car door, they will be charged with a hate crime in many jurisdictions.

Historically in America, homosexuality was considered to be sin. It was against the law in most states.

In the 20th century it became sanitized as mental illness.

Earlier: "Black people have suffered centuries of abuse!"
Now: "So too have homosexuals...but they deserve it!"

Then we were told that what people do in their own bedrooms is none of our business.

Tell me, Anne; when was the last time you had sex?

Today it is flagrant "we're here, we're queer, get used to it."

"Raise your hand if you've ever heard a gay person say that....no one? OK. Raise your hand if you've heard someone who hates gay people say that? Twelve of you? Out of thirteen? Interesting."

Young people are being actively recruited into a lifestyle that will ultimately cost them their eternal salvation-and all of us should care.

This is very true. The military recruits lots of young people.

The great apostle Paul chronicled the debasement of sinful man, as he professes to be wise, ignoring the Word of God:

Garcia goes on to cherry-pick vague bits of scripture. What a great way to prove a point.

"God gave them up to vile passions. For even the women exchanged then natural use for what is against nature . . . men, leaving the natural use of women, burned in their lust for one another . . ." (Romans 1:26,27).

Also against nature: pooping in toilets.

What's the end game, you may wonder?

Isn't it a French play?

The answer is a debased mind filled with all unrighteousness, covetousness, deceit, haters of God and violent inventors of evil things(Romans 1:28-30).

That pretty much defines the people pushing this legislation in Washington, D.C.

That pretty much defines whatever you want it to define. The War in Iraq. The St. Louis Cardinals starting rotation.

Paul wrote those words of warning to the Romans.

And he did such a good job of summing up Rome's problems!

Rome fell.

This is stupid, conventional-wisdom horse shit. Rome didn't "fall" in one day. People didn't wake up one morning and say "holy shit, Rome fell!" Some didn't even know they were living in an empire. In the east, where most of Rome's power had shifted, the Empire lived for several more centuries. There's no set date. It's completely ambiguous. Some people say it's when Constantine died, or in 410, when the Visigoths sacked Rome. Or in 476. Or in 1453. Or that it never existed at all. Or that America is Rome. It's so complicated that Paul was probably sitting up there in heaven, sipping wine with Jesus, thinking "holy shit, I don't know what the fuck is going on!" to which Jesus responded "Neither does my dad. We were fishing the other day, and he was like 'Whoa! Wassup with my homeboys in Rome?'"

It would behoove us, the electorate, to vote such people out of Congress and replace them with righteous, God-fearing men and women. God is not mocked.

I think you meant "Gay-bashing," not "God-fearing." Anne, it would "behoove" the electorate if you stopped speaking for them. You're speaking for a lot of people who would probably smack you in the face and say "behoove that, cracker!"

If we don't turn back to God, America will fall also.

You heard it here, first. America is falling, one capri pant at a time.